I'm still not doing well (TW: Suicide, self harm)

I have been out of the hospital for a little over a month now. Normally I'm at least relatively stable when I get out of the hospital but right now I'm still not doing well at all.

My house is a wreck. I haven't cleaned any of it since before I went into the hospital and it shows. My bathroom is especially embarrassing. It wouldn't be as bad if I was the only one using it, but I have a visiting nurse come into the house to give me my medication and she asks to use the bathroom sometimes.

I hate having the visiting nurse. I can handle my own prescriptions and I feel like I'm either 2 or 92 because someone else manages them now.

My med prescriber has also no showed me twice since I got out of the hospital, the most recent time being yesterday. I'm definitely feeling the love. I don't know if I want to switch to a new prescriber or not because I've been with this one for a few years and she knows me well. I should at least tell her that I'm displeased but I don't have the courage to do that either.

I've been doing a partial hospitalization/intensive outpatient program since I got out, and it's not really helping because it's all information I have heard before.

My job is ending May 26, and I can only handle part-time work so that's what I want to apply for. But in order to be eligible for unemployment benefits I have to apply for full-time jobs, so I don't know what do do. I need the money from unemployment but am mentally incapable of working full-time right now. I also can't work full-time because I'd lose Medicaid. But I need to pay bills and pay rent, and can't do that without unemployment benefits. So I'm panicking.

I'm still heavily suicidal. I have the means to attempt again and it's taking all I have to not do it again. My therapist said if I wasn't in IOP right now she'd be wanting to see me twice a week until I stabilize. I don't know when I will be stable again and I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up in the hospital again sometime soon.

I've also been self harming semi-regularly again, at least once or twice a week. It concerns my therapist because this is normally a sign of me spiraling and getting really bad again, and I just got out of the hospital.

I just can't cope with anything right now and maybe it would be better if I did stay in the hospital for a while, but I don't know if I'd ever be able to admit that to anyone until it's too late and I've already done something.

Maybe I should do something.