I went out last night. (TW - Substances - Alcohol)

I went out last night with some of my friends from school. Another friend of mine who is mutual friends with most of my friends happens to live in the same city as me brought me up to campus. There were a few people I really wished I could have seen but they had other plans so weren't around. So that did make me sad, but I was very happy to see the people I did.

Some of my friends started drinking before we even went out. I had one sip and that was it because I didn't want a repeat of my last incident. One of my friends, J, was drunk before we even left, and in the dorm I had a lot of fun because I had been to this dorm room on countless occasions when I lived on campus last semester because I only lived down the hall from them. I'd go hang out there with my other friends for various reasons, when I was bored, or when I wanted to avoid this one roommate. So I was comfortable there, and with the people. It was also fun observing them while sober because I was able to enjoy things more and also kind of make fun of their antics. Besides the drinking it was just like old times when we'd all hang out there and that made me happy because I would have a lot of fun with them. My friend, M, even made pizza rolls for me because I said I was hungry. He kept microwaving more for everyone.

Another friend made a worrisome comment before we left and I worried that he was suicidal. I messaged him on Facebook because it wasn't very possible to get him alone in the dorm room and I didn't want people to overhear, but he never responded to my message. I saw that he read it the next day. So now I'm not sure if there's anything more I can do because it won't be for a while before I can get up there again and I forget if he's graduating or still has a year or two.

We picked the location we did because anyone 18 and older could get in. My mom later told me that this club has had violent incidents in the past but I didn't feel unsafe there, at least not from violence.

I don't know why I end up going to these things though. I don't really dance so I kind of observed people and would sometimes awkwardly dance or just move back and forth. Sometimes my friends would coax me into dancing a bit. I also am not good with crowds so I kept getting really nervous with the amount of people around. My friends even wanted to go into the middle of the crowd and I went with them because I also didn't want to be alone.

I was really nervous navigating through the crowd though so when I had to go to the bathroom M helped me through it. He'd also asked me if I wanted to get a drink and walked with me over there. He asked me if I was good and okay and if I was having fun a few times too. So did two other friends, but he was the one who asked me the most. I'd always say I was having fun and was fine. And now for some reason I am worried that his girlfriend would be jealous but I don't think she is, or at least didn't seem that way. I have no feelings besides friendship for this guy though and would more see him as a brother than anything else. I am appreciative of the three friends who would check in on me, but especially him because he was the most supportive. I bet all three of them knew and maybe the others, and I am scared they won't invite me out with them again because I get nervous or am boring.

I also spent a lot of the night worrying about J. He didn't look too good a few times. I was worried about him and wished he'd sit down. I kept watching him because I was afraid he'd get sick or something, and one time he did fall (although two friends kind of eased him to the ground). Our other friends didn't seem as worried. They'd check in on him a few times and he'd say he's good and they'd leave it at that. He also kept wandering off, which I mean he's a big boy and he can do that, but I was worried that he was sick.

We left around 12:30, maybe a little later. Some people talked about going to Denny's but my ride home had work in the morning (he actually had to wake up around 6) so we just went home. I don't know if anyone did actually end up going, especially with J in the condition he was. He actually lost his bank card at some point and I don't know if he ever found it.

I was glad to be home because I honestly was looking at the clock the entire time. Due to the fact the bathroom there had no hand soap and just because it's just not the cleanest environment I showered immediately and got into bed.

I don't know why I'd agree to do this again when this type of scene and me don't mix, but I also don't want to be alone and want to see the friends. I'd do it for them more than anything. If that's the only way I'll get to see them that's what I'll do, but I'd rather go and sit down with them at a diner where we can talk, or even a movie even though you can't really talk there. They don't go out and do stuff like this often so it's not like my friends are partiers, but if that's the way I get to see them, so be it. I'll make myself nervous and stressed to see them, especially because I'm scared it'll end when everyone else graduates.