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Telling. (triggering)
I'll be posting in HL about this in a few months. But I needed to ramble out my thoughts in the meantime.
The suicidal thoughts won't go away. I've been thinking about it most days. Even when I'm happy the thoughts are still there. About overdosing. I have the day set and everything. The time, I'm a bit more flexible with but I do have the day. I still have pills from when I was storing them before. I haven't been sick or had many in my disposal to add more, but I can't say that I never would add more again.
Would I actually do it? Attempt suicide? I don't know at this point. Can't say yes and can't say no.
Part of me wants to do it. Just take the pills and get it over with. And part of me is scared. And right now being scared is part of what's holding me back. I also keep telling myself to do it now before my niece can remember me. She's only 1 month old, almost 2. No way she'd remember me now. Another part wants to keep living for her.
And I don't know which side will win. I just want to let suicide win and then I'll never have to fail again. But yet... Part of me resists.
Part of me has been considering telling my parents. I don't know how. Don't know when. If anything it'd be in letter form. When I told my guidance counselor it didn't go well, so I don't think telling a teacher or my therapist first would either. And that's why I can't tell my therapist about these thoughts. She'd have to tell my parents.
When? I don't know. They've always said if I cut again they'd take away my computer and phone and put me inpatient. I don't see why suicidal thoughts would be any less bad, especially since they'd find out I'm still cutting, too.
And I can't do that. I can't lose what outlets I do have via the phone and Internet to get help.
And I don't know where that'd put me with TH. Staff work here is my life. With no computer and everything I'd have to resign wouldn't I? I'd go On Leave to start and see what comes of it, but I don't want to leave staff. I really don't. :/
So as far as telling my parents, I'm considering, but just don't know.
The suicidal thoughts won't go away. I've been thinking about it most days. Even when I'm happy the thoughts are still there. About overdosing. I have the day set and everything. The time, I'm a bit more flexible with but I do have the day. I still have pills from when I was storing them before. I haven't been sick or had many in my disposal to add more, but I can't say that I never would add more again.
Would I actually do it? Attempt suicide? I don't know at this point. Can't say yes and can't say no.
Part of me wants to do it. Just take the pills and get it over with. And part of me is scared. And right now being scared is part of what's holding me back. I also keep telling myself to do it now before my niece can remember me. She's only 1 month old, almost 2. No way she'd remember me now. Another part wants to keep living for her.
And I don't know which side will win. I just want to let suicide win and then I'll never have to fail again. But yet... Part of me resists.
Part of me has been considering telling my parents. I don't know how. Don't know when. If anything it'd be in letter form. When I told my guidance counselor it didn't go well, so I don't think telling a teacher or my therapist first would either. And that's why I can't tell my therapist about these thoughts. She'd have to tell my parents.
When? I don't know. They've always said if I cut again they'd take away my computer and phone and put me inpatient. I don't see why suicidal thoughts would be any less bad, especially since they'd find out I'm still cutting, too.
And I can't do that. I can't lose what outlets I do have via the phone and Internet to get help.
And I don't know where that'd put me with TH. Staff work here is my life. With no computer and everything I'd have to resign wouldn't I? I'd go On Leave to start and see what comes of it, but I don't want to leave staff. I really don't. :/
So as far as telling my parents, I'm considering, but just don't know.
Total Comments 2
Comments
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Dez,
You're an incredible person. I'm not just saying that, you really are. So please, listen to me. You are so incredibly strong. Dealing with suicidal thoughts can really be so hard, but you've continued to push through and you've shown a lot of strength. But Dez, your life is very precious. So many people would be devastated if something happened to you. I know it's so hard, but you have to try to stay strong. If you need to go on leave, then go on leave. Take time to yourself to figure things out. Don't worry, I can handle modding the SE alone for a while. I'm a big girl.
I personally do think you should tell your parents. I know it's scary, but they only want what's best for you. If you tell them about your suicidal thoughts, they will make sure you get help. And no matter what happens, please remember that everyone here at TH is always here for you, and you can pm me to talk about any problems you're having anytime, and I'll be more than happy to offer you any advice I can. I hope this comment has been helpful, and remember, I'm always here for you.
Posted February 18th 2013 at 01:17 AM by Koharuchan
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Hi Littlemaid. <3
A couple of years ago, I was very much in your position. I ended up doing the impulsive take-the-pills-and-see-where-it-gets-you thing, and I've never stopped regretting it. If it doesn't kill you, it can still do serious damage, and it will be difficult to live with the consequences. If it does kill you, you'll leave behind a community of devastated THers, a daughterless mermum, and a family with a whole in it. If you do end your life, yes, your niece may not remember you... but she'd have to find out about you when she's older. You would be that empty chair, the person who was meant to be there but never will be, and she would spend her whole life wondering if it would have been better with you in it (it would be, I promise; you're a fantastic aunt, and you are going to be so important in her life).
At the end of the day, you have to do whatever you have to in order to keep yourself alive, and to keep yourself safe. If that means telling your parents, then maybe that's what you need to do.
You know where I am if you need anything (I'm in the castle with you, duh; just come knock on my seashell door knocker). But seriously, if I can help at all, let me know. If you need to go on leave, like Haru said, other people can take care of it - I could help keep an eye on SE/LGBT+/Chat, and pick up the slack in HL if you need. I mean it.
I love you, Dezmaid. Keep fighting.Posted February 18th 2013 at 08:11 AM by Storyteller.
