Idiot. (Triggering)

So. I realized how much of an idiot I am and how anxiety is going to consume me this year and how I just can't handle it anymore and there's nothing I can do to fix it. I just have to live with it but it's getting worse and I don't know what do do.

Had to submit my summer math packet in school today so I went into the library to do it and then the library was closed so I started getting nervous because this was one of the few study halls I had to submit it before the 10th. This one, then my Monday study hall there was no school, then my Wednesday study hall was National Honor Society which we're not allowed to miss, then my next Friday one I will be in therapy. Then that only leaves the Monday before the packet is due (Tuesday) to hand it in and I bet all the seniors will save it for last minute and go down since everyone has the same study hall to do it so I won't be able to.

So I went to the head of the math department to do it and he was in a math meeting so every math teacher in the school was there but he saw me and told me to enter the answers into the responder so then I got a responder and went to the next room to submit them but it wouldn't work so I had to go back and interrupt them a second time to tell them it didn't work and then the math teacher was like "Oh I'll fix it" but then the other teacher was like "No I'll do it while sitting here." So I sat down because I didn't know if she meant literally right that second or if she'd give it to me Tuesday when she was done or if I'd collect it from her or the department head or what. And then she was all like "No no, you're not STAYING" and I almost started crying so I had to ask her what I was doing and she said to collect it from the department head on Tuesday. If it's not done for whatever reason I'll probably freak out but I was standing in the classroom in front of every math teacher almost crying. So then I left the room and was almost crying and one of the other seniors in my school asked me if I was okay. Oh god, it must have been so noticeable. I was like "Fine" and walked past her so fast back to my study hall where I was still almost crying. And now my math teacher probably saw me and will think I'm some overemotional idiot. And I was probably breaking out with hives because I could see a rash forming on my arm that didn't last for very long.

I bet they were all talking about me after. When I visited my elementary school they talked about their students in the teacher's lounge all the time. I bet as soon as they walked out of the room they started talking about how stupid and awkward I am.

And I'm even stupid in all my goddamned classes. An easy ENGLISH assignment tripped me up. ENGLISH. It's going to be a quiz grade and it's probably the easiest thing but I know I failed. I did it while triggered but even if I wasn't I'd have failed so bad. And my physics, she's collecting the assignment and I didn't know how to do it and ugh. I'm going to fucking fail this year. Part of me freaked out about it but the other part didn't care and I don't understand how that's possible but ugh.

So then I went home and went to take a nap and laid in bed crying before going to sleep.

Yesterday was the first day of school and I thought that this year was going to be so damn great and I'd have so much fun but now I hate it just because of that incident with the math thing and I'm going to fail so bad this year and have such a hard time. The anxiety or whatever this is is winning and I can't fix it and it won't stop. And I have no people skills and don't know how to interpret what anyone means when they say/do something.

I haven't cut in like 49 days but it's so fucking hard and I just want to slice my skin open and bleed everything out and show the world how much of a fucking failure I really am. I'm not smart, I'm not strong, emotionally or physically. I'm dominated by my mind.