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Posted October 3rd 2013 at 03:29 AM by Ennui.

I've been posting here a lot lately.

Checked my grades maybe a minute ago. 90 in math already. Almost an 89, only reason it's a 90 is it rounded the decimal. 89 in gym already. My science grade isn't updated but I did poorly on my last test so it'll be around a C.

I'll never be able to make my gym grade up. The gym teacher this year just grades too harshly so if anything it's just going to get lower. And science and math are too hard and I don't know what I'm doing even with help. Which means I probably won't even be successful in college if I'm already having a hard time managing here. And the workload ugh. I'm always just so tired so I don't want to do the work.

Already been told by friends to calm down in class multiple times because of how worked up I get.

I'm a failure and that's all I'll ever be. I'll never live up to my own standards and I will never do good and everything is just going to get worse from here on out, not better. It'll never be better and I'll just keep failing and failing because fuck that, I don't have true potential. And my mental state isn't going to get better with just therapy alone, I realize. I need something else to go along with it, but I don't know what.

I just want to scream and cut my thighs up and see the blood run because now I am not okay. I am not okay I am a failure and why can't anyone else see how much of a failure I am? I can't take this anymore. I can't take how I'm slipping so far this year and it's not even for lack of effort. No matter how much I try I'll never be good enough. All I'm good for is taking up space and complaining.

Do you know how much it fucking sucks to sit here literally crying because even an 89 is a failure? And because no matter how much I try to change my thoughts they just keep coming back before I can even stop them?

Maybe I'll cut before bed. Scream out for help where nobody will see. I hope I get caught too, either by my parents or my gym teachers or someone else, whatever. Let my parents find out and scream at me and break me down even farther because an idiot like me doesn't deserve happiness anyway.

I don't even feel actively suicidal but part of me feels I won't be happy until I'm in the ground.
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  1. Old Comment
    hocus pocus's Avatar
    Keep posting on the blogs, that's what they're here for. And I like reading your blogs

    Aw, you're not a failure. Your grades are good as they are a 90 is great and you have time to pull them up if need be. We don't see what you see because you're most definitely not a failure. I hope someday you can see what a great person you are; you deserve to see that. Hang in there, you can do this <3
    Posted October 3rd 2013 at 04:14 AM by hocus pocus hocus pocus is offline
  2. Old Comment
    I hope that you will keep posting in the blogs. I think blogging is a good thing!

    Dez, you aren't a failure. And, just because you are struggling a bit (which those grades aren't bad by the way) doesn't mean you will do terrible in college. College is a lot different then high school and you might find that you don't struggle as much as you are predicting you will. I am only at a community college but I haven't struggled all that much with my classes. You are smart and you will do great in college. I believe in that.

    You are really hard on yourself and you need to stop. I know that is easier said then done but you are doing fine just as you are. Do you think you could try and talk to your teachers and get extra help?

    Do you think you could try saying positive affirmations and try doing some positive self talk? I know those things can be hard to do but they can be helpful. Reward yourself for all the hard work you are doing. And, please take care of yourself.

    If you need anything please know I am here.
    Posted October 3rd 2013 at 04:56 AM by
  3. Old Comment
    i_like_black's Avatar
    Do I know how much it sucks for 89 to feel like a failure?

    Yeah I fucking know. Part of the reason why I struggled so much with university was that anything less that 90% just wasn't enough for me. But - and you know this - it's not a healthy way of thinking.

    Realistically, you've already done what you need to do to get into the school you want to go to. You told me your SAT score was in the right range, and other things.

    Who gives a crap about your gym grade. It's not like you're aiming to be an international athlete. Maybe it will pull down your GPA a bit, but when you have your college interviews, you WILL be given an opportunity to explain things like that.

    I don't think you are doomed to things getting worse. Even I'm not doomed to that. Your mood and your thoughts . . . they're what's eating you. Realistically there are good things for you, but you're in a stressful place.

    You DO have true potential, by the way. I don't strike up friendships with deadbeats who are going nowhere.

    And finally, if you have to take time off school, or take a break between high school and college, to sort out the anxiety and stuff and find the right balance of therapy and whatever else, then so be it.

    You can leave me offline messages on Skype any time. I'll respond as soon as I am able.
    Posted October 3rd 2013 at 05:16 AM by i_like_black i_like_black is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Hey don't think that you are a failure just because you grades are low. Grades are nothing to define your life or who you are. As far as potential is concerned everyone's born with the same potential. Its up to us how much we use out of it. Just forget about grades and study what makes you happy. In a way that makes you happy. And not to get grades.
    Posted October 3rd 2013 at 05:43 PM by Bărbię Bărbię is offline
  5. Old Comment
    Lumos.'s Avatar
    Hi there love. I don't think you're a failure and neither does anyone else here. I will never think that of you, i think you are one of the most strong and amazing people I know. School can be really hard sometimes and it's a lot of pressure but I believe you can do it. Even if you need to go in and talk with your teachers to maybe get some extra help. But those grades, in my mind, are really good. I know that you are always harder on yourself than anyone else (I am the same way)
    I know you will get through this, and i know the thoughts can be a lot to deal with, but i believe in you. Just remember I am always here. Anytime you need anything at all. I care about you. Stay strong love.
    Posted October 5th 2013 at 08:09 PM by Lumos. Lumos. is offline
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