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I knew it wouldn't last. (triggering)

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Posted April 23rd 2014 at 03:59 AM by Ennui.

39 days. I made it 39 days before I ruined my streak. My goal was two months. But I guess I did better than I have in a while.

The low hit me hard and hit me fast. It started yesterday. I woke up feeling sad just because I exist. The thought of doing work and going through a day and doing what I have to do just makes me want to cry.

Then today it's worse. Second guessing everything and so much anxiety and random stress. Over everything. Sore and just don't know what to do in general.

I held out as long as I can. I tried. I didn't bring my self harm tool into the bathroom or anything but then something else recently set me off and I managed to find another self harm tool. So I guess I have a new tool now.

Go figure, this one makes wider cuts. So I actually scared myself because I'm not used to them being wide. I only did once but I want to do more and more.

Wish I could cut my arms.
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  1. Old Comment
    Thereishope's Avatar
    Hey there Dez! First off 39 days is a big accomplishment and you should be proud of that alone. So you didn't, make it 2 months but hey you can try extra hard to do it this time..and who knows maybe you'll make 3 or 4 or more! I know how it is to 2nd guess yourself but trust your gut instinct and stick with it. :P You've done so well with coming up with the right solutions and all! I know we were talking earlier and I'm sorry if I missed anything while we were talking. Remember you can always come to me about anything, just let me know before you randomly spill and anything is fine. :) Hang in there Dezi, you got dis! :) :hug: :)
    Posted April 23rd 2014 at 04:48 AM by Thereishope Thereishope is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Just so you'll know, 39 days is really amazing and a big accomplishment. Relapse is part of recovery and I know that you can make it there and further again. Just keep trying, you'll eventually make it there. And actually, how many days sometimes doesn't mean much. It's how many urges and thoughts to do it that you bypass. PM me if you need! Stay strong, you can do it. :)
    Posted April 23rd 2014 at 05:01 AM by
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