Everything is going to hell. TW: Suicide, self harm, pet illness/death

I've been in a spiral lately and it just won't stop.

I might lose my insurance by March 31st. I am on Medicaid but due to my income level and the Covid relief money being taken away, I will lose it. I don't really have money to pay for my own insurance though so I don't know how I am going to be able to continue to get healthcare, do therapy, see my medication prescriber, and get all my medications. It makes me feel hopeless.

I am also losing my job on June 30, which makes me worry about money even more. I don't know how I'm going to pay rent on top of the healthcare things, or how long it is going to take me to find a new job. To collect unemployment I have to apply to at least three jobs a week and I don't think I'm allowed to turn down an offer, so I m ay just have to take what I can get. I don't know how I'm going to handle a job. I don't have any marketable skills. I might have to take two part-time jobs and figure that out. But I don't even know how to use a fax machine or fix a copier so I don't know how to be a receptionist, and I'm bad with money so I probably would suck at cashiering too.

My APRN wants me to start applying to three jobs a week but my therapist thinks it's too early to start applying for jobs because I wouldn't be taking a job until after June. They wouldn't wait around for me for that long.

On top of that, French Toast is sick. Like, really sick. She keeps bleeding from either her urinary tract or vagina but none of the tests show anything. The X-Ray showed no bladder stones or ovarian cysts. I am going to pay for an abdominal ultrasound with money I don't have to see if they can find anything. I can't afford the CT scan. She also has a mildly enlarged heart, fluid infiltrates in her lungs, and inflammation in the bullae of the brain. I'll have to take her to the vet every 3 months to be followed and I don't know how I'll pay for that either. Right now she has no symptoms besides the bleeding but I am afraid I'll have to make the decision to put her to sleep sooner rather than later. And then Pancake will be alone. I'll have to get a new guinea pig because she is still so young and would get depressed without a friend. If she was old I'd consider not getting another guinea pig and just give her more attention. But she's too young and it's not fair to leave her alone for all of that time. I should never have gotten pets to begin with because I should have known I wouldn't be able to mentally handle their health issues and death, and that I wouldn't be able to physically afford it either.

I'm also supposed to be going to Texas at the end of March and due to everything that has happened to me, I don't know if it is such a good idea. I don't know if I can actually afford to go and spend more money. I don't know if it's worth it, but I already bought the plane ticket months ago before everything happened.

I'm feeling heavily suicidal. The main things stopping me from attempting is the fact that I have to get French Toast to the vet for her ultrasound next Friday and because I don't have that many clean clothes to bring to the hospital with me. I'm sure my dad could do my laundry for me and ring me some clothes, there's always a workaround. I should do it before I lose my insurance, because you know a hospital stay would be expensive without any or with copays and deductibles and all that on regular insurance. I just don't want to deal with this anymore and would rather be dead. I can't cope with life's day to day stressors even though I need to get the fuck over it and learn how to be an adult. Other people do this every day but I'm not coping.

I've started self harming again. It's nothing major but it's back. I'm just a disappointment all around I guess.

Make it stop.