TeenHelp
Get Advice Quick Ask Support Forums Today's Posts Chat Room

Get Advice Connect with TeenHelp Resources
HelpLINK Chat and Live Help Facebook     Twitter     Tumblr     Instagram    Safety Zone
   Hotlines
   Alternatives
   Calendar


You are not registered or have not logged in
Hello guest! (Not a guest? Log in above!) As a guest you can submit help requests, create and reply to Forum posts, join our Chat Room and read our range of articles & resources. By registering you will be able to get fully involved in our community and enjoy features such as connect with members worldwide, add friends & send messages, express yourself through a Blog, find others with similar interests in Social Groups, post pictures and links, set up a profile and more! Signing up is free, anonymous and will only take a few moments, so click here to register now!



...
Rate this Entry

I lied (TW: SH/Suicide)

Submit "I lied (TW: SH/Suicide)" to Digg Submit "I lied (TW: SH/Suicide)" to del.icio.us Submit "I lied (TW: SH/Suicide)" to StumbleUpon Submit "I lied (TW: SH/Suicide)" to Google
Posted October 29th 2022 at 10:56 PM by Ennui.

I am in IOP and the clinician made me throw out my self harm tools and my means of suicide into the trash outside while on camera. There was no way of lying to her and saying that I did it when I really didn't since it was all done on camera.

But, I did lie to her though. I have other self harm tools I can use, just not the preferred ones. I also have other means of suicide I can use that I didn't throw away. I'm not going to tell her I lied.

I need the safety net of having my self harm tools and my means of suicide with me. Even if I'm not fully triggered it helps to know I have the options if I need to. I know that's bad, but I'm truly not willing to get rid of my tools right now. This also makes me want to go out and purchase more tools and means on Amazon or somewhere else to restock. I don't know if I will, but it's easy to get the means again even if I don't drive when a ton of stores allow things to be shipped right to your house.

I'm still overwhelmed by work. It's been busier lately on certain days and making calls, especially a lot of calls in a day, makes me feel anxious.

I know it's eight months out but I'm still counting down the days until I lose my job. My contract was extended until June when I originally was going to lose my job in November, but I'm still anxious about losing my job eight months from now and how I'm going to cope with another job. Will I actually be able to do full time work in order to pay the bills? Will my parents just let me work part time if I tell them that's what my therapist wants me to do? Probably not, they have their own bills and mortgage to pay. When I see posts or hear stories about people getting their jobs, working, loving their jobs, or struggling work it makes me scared and makes me think I should just kill myself in eight months when I lose my job.

Going to IOP is tiring. I think I'm being willful and not putting in as much effort as I should, although I know what they're teaching me can be really helpful. I also have to wake up early for it and I'm tired for the rest of the day, and then my energy goes down for the rest of the week. I lose spoons. It's also why I'm scared for a job to be honest.

I can't say I've been doing BAD lately but the thoughts and urges are still there to varying degrees. We'll have to see what happens.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 509 Comments 1 Email Blog Entry
« Prev     Main     Next »

Total Comments 1

Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Philomath's Avatar
    I'm here for you Dez. I've been catching up on your blog. You've got a lot going on for sure but you are doing all you can and that is all anyone, even you can expect of you.
    I understand not giving up all of your tools, I've had a hard time with that in the past too. I'm apprehensive about talking about self harm due to experiences I've had too.
    I am thinking of you and hope things look up for you soon.
    permalink
    Posted October 31st 2022 at 12:13 AM by Philomath Philomath is offline
 
 
User Infomation
Your Avatar

Latest Articles & News
- by Rob
- by Rob

Advertisement



All material copyright ©1998-2024, TeenHelp.
Terms | Legal | Privacy | Conduct | Complaints | Mobile

Powered by vBulletin®.
Copyright ©2000-2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search engine optimization by vBSEO.
Theme developed in association with vBStyles.