I am more stable now than when I was in the hospital which is good, but I still feel sad and anxious a lot of the time. My prescriber mentioned the words "treatment resistant" to me and sometimes I worry that that's the case. I have been in therapy off and on since the 8th grade and have been on medication for around 6 or 7 years and am still miserable a lot of the time.

I have a post up about work and the possibility of applying for disability. Even if I do end up applying...

I was in the hospital starting on the 12th after a suicide attempt. I had felt hopeless and impulsive and wanted it to stop. I never thought I would actually go through with an attempt but I guess life's full of surprises. I ended up Ubering to the hospital and luckily I got there before getting pretty sick. I was already starting to feel it before getting in the Uber so I got lucky. In the ER I was taken right back and they talked to me but I don't remember the conversation.
I had to wait...

After April 30, I will likely be losing Medicaid due to an increase in oncome and will have to find some other insurance through our marketplace.

Looking at them, it seems like all of them are way out of my price range and wouldn't be something worth getting anyway! Some of the deductibles are in the absolute THOUSANDS, and most of them don't cover all of my providers so I'd have to either pay out of pocket or stop seeing them entirely.

You'd think an increase in income...

I am going full time on March 7th. That's when I go to HR to fill out the paperwork.

I am worried about working 7-8 hours a day, but I think I'll be able to do it. However, contact tracing is slowing down right now so I am not sure how I will GET 7-8 hours a day. I will be taking their insurance, so I need to make sure I get all of the hours I can so I can actually PAY for that insurance. If I get fewer hours than what I was guaranteed, all my paycheck will go to insurance and I will...

Today was my last day of IOP, and that went well. At the end we get a certificate of completion and also a coin, and I liked that. I was pretty proud of myself.

I was scheduled to start an individual group on Wednesday but now I was told that the location I go is no longer allowing people who see outside therapists/get their meds outside from the facility to go to their outpatient groups. They've never had that rule before. My clinician just found out yesterday.

I couldn't...

I am moving down to doing IOP 3 days per week next week, which also means I'll be done with the program and back to just outpatient very soon. I'd be doing a group therapy session once per week and seeing my regular therapist again. I'm scared that I'm not actually ready to leave group and the comfort it brings. But, I think I've made progress too.

It also means I'm that much closer to going full time in March. I'm scared. I want to prove to myself that I can do it but what if I can't?...

I told my mom I go to therapy daily and have bipolar. She was cool with the therapy part I think but when it came to the bipolar she said I’m a hypochondriac and it’s bullshit.

She also then texted me and said she read that bipolar is caused by your period. What?? I didn’t have the energy to correct her.

I numbed myself immediately but still ended up cutting. I hope that isn’t enough to give me a grippy sock vacation. I don’t cut often.

I still feel...

I took my driving test today and failed right off the bat. It's not that I don't know how to drive. I did fine when it was me and the instructor. But as soon as the person administering the test comes, I freeze up and panic hardcore so I make a lot of stupid mistakes I wouldn't have otherwise.

I had a major panic attack in the parking lot of the DMV and the poor driving school instructor who I went with had to deal with me hyperventilating and sniffling.
...

I hallucinated a tarantula yesterday. I saw it crawling on my ceiling and then down my wall. I also hear my phone ringing all the time when it's not, to the point I stop and listen for it.

Work has been a very big source of my anxiety lately. I've been having to take Ativan to go to work and it's not actually doing a lot to help with the anxiety. I'm making stupid mistakes and it's just not a good time for me.

I have self-harmed again as well. I want to do it again...

I wonder what would have happened if I did go to the hospital the other day. I think I should have.

I wonder if I still should, although I'm doing better than I was. Like, what "qualifies" someone for the hospital? I'm not going to go, though.

I still have to take Ativan before work and get the urge to self harm. I'm still feeling impulsive and want to buy new tools. My friend changed my Amazon password for me so I can't go on it and buy tools.
The...