This is a letter to my guinea pig, Pancake, who passed away 7/1/25.

Dear Pancake,

You left this world on July 1, 2025 after a brief illness and were cremated on July 3, 2025. I am sorry that I didn’t notice that you were sick sooner, such as when you stopped wheeking for food when I passed your room around dinnertime. The room was quiet whenever I walked by for a few days, and I thought it was because you were getting tired of my dinner selections. Maybe if I saw that...

My dad searched my room before I got out of the hospital and took my good self harm and suicide methods. I'm trying to wait for the right time to get them back and it's so hard. What he didn't find to self harm isn't as satisfying so it's not giving me that same sense of relief. I was self harming a little more severely before he took away all my stuff and now I can't get back to that same level. And I had a plan for those suicide methods.

I also gave up what he didn't find of my...

12/26/2024
Well, I got a little too silly. Here's to hospitalization number 6.
Where I go to group made me go to the ER because of an increase in suicidal ideation, self harming almost daily, and nonstop anxiety.
The ER itself wasn't bad. My patient sitter was so nice and we had a lot of great conversations I haven't had with previous sitters. Then I transferred to the ABU part of the ER where I had my own room with a TV and watched a SpongeBob marathon.
I got to the...

It’s been a while since I have blogged and a lot has happened but honestly I can’t think of most of it at this point so I’m just going to go with the main points.

I am very much not okay. I almost ended up in the hospital because I was incredibly suicidal but I decided to do a partial hospitalization program instead. I had to stop seeing my individual therapist because the insurance won’t cover both at once so I’m hoping she is willing to take me back after I am done or I will be...

I did a risk assessment with one of my group therapy clinicians the other day and it told us that I was high risk for suicide. I already knew that was going to be a thing. My mental health has been bad lately. The clinician let the crisis team know and they called me, but I was able to convince them I was fine.

I was supposed to go for a medical test on the sixth. They had me go off of my reflux medication to do it, and then the day before the test they called and said they made a...

My mixed episode turned into a severe depressive episode, also with a lot of anxiety.

I haven't showered in a week. I am going to tomorrow only because I have an MRI and I don't want them to get upset with me for being dirty. If not I'd probably push it off even longer. I can go to the gym just fine but showering is a nightmare and I don't know why. I never have issues showering when I'm depressed.

I've been self harming regularly, almost daily. It's nothing severe...

As the title says, if this keeps up, I will end up back in the hospital.

My mood has been getting worse lately, especially in the month of June. I had a lot of ups and downs despite being on a ton of medications. I have been irritable and snapping at my parents for stupid things like the fact that my Dunkin order was wrong. I also had impulsive spending to the point that I had $6.14 left in my bank account by the end of the month. I have also been self harming and my suicidal thoughts...

I followed a journal prompt asking you to write a letter to your future self. I decided to write a letter to me five years from now. I kind of like how it came out so I am posting it here too. Here goes:

Dear Me 5 Years From Now,

I honestly didn't expect that you would live this long, so congratulations I guess. I hope you don't have any permanent damage from any more suicide attempts that happened between 4/12/24 and now. Maybe you're finally not feeling as suicidal...

I started writing this and then something happened and it deleted itself, so I guess I'll try to remember what I was going to say.

I was doing relatively well for a few weeks. I really was. I hadn't been self harming and had generally been feeling okay. But then it crashed again and the depression and anxiety are back with a vengeance.

This weekend I was very depressed. I spent a lot of Saturday isolating by myself and was in bed a lot. I went to bed around 7:30, 8:00...

I feel like shit.

I'm not feeling any better. I'm going to PHP/IOP every single day but it's all stuff I've heard from being there so many times and it's just not helping and nothing is helping and I don't feel any better.

I want to die still. I have a potential date range picked out if things go as planned, but maybe I'll feel better before then and I'll change my mind. There's always a chance, right? The visiting nurse took my suicide method away from me but I ordered...