My mental illness won. Again. Again it made me give up a potential amazing opportunity without even trying. I was going to apply for funding for my thesis but I'm too depressed to bother and my advisor told me it's not worth it to push myself for something I'm probably not going to be proud of.
But now regardless I'm not going to be proud of the finished product. Because my mental illness won. Again. I gave up. Again. It always wins.

I hate being functionally mentally ill because...

I've been overwhelmed for weeks. It seems like my workload is only increasing and I don't have any time to sit and just relax anymore. Individual projects, group projects, other classwork, exams, committees, organizations. You name it, I'm in it. I don't really socialize anymore either.

I'm getting really run down and overloaded and overwhelmed and depressed. I haven't been to the gym in like two or three weeks and I've been eating like shit and have gained tons of weight. I've been...

This was a tough semester. I struggled a lot more than I thought I would. Between classes, stress, being sick literally almost the entire semester, having a self harm relapse, and crying in one of my favorite professor's office a few times, I was ready to give up on everything.

But, this semester is almost over. Two of my classes are completely done with and I have As in both of those. I'm getting a B in one class and while that's tough for me, I'm slowly accepting it.

...

I’m not okay in a different way than normal. The depression is hitting me in ways it never has before.

It hurts so bad

I’m closer to killing myself than i ever have been before.

I want to do damage.

But i won’t. I’ll jusg go on and smile and pretend everything is great while secretly hoping I drop dead tomorrow.

l o l

These blogs will probably get more infrequent, as it's starting to slow down a bit.

I'm not sure what exactly happened today. I woke up this morning and my breathing felt weird, but it's also very hot out so I figured it could be asthma. My chest is itchy from a rash I have, maybe from the heat, so I turned on my phone camera to look at it and.. My face just didn't feel right? It just felt like that shouldn't be my face. The features weren't right? The forehead was wrong and the chin...

I don't think this is triggering but if anyone is triggered by medical related things, this will be talking about some! Also a mention of food/weight related issues pertaining to myself, but no numbers!

I checked my mom's phone last night to make sure she didn't miss any calls from the hospital since her hearing isn't the greatest. My dad had texted her around 8:30 PM, joking that he's eating ice chips with no salt (since salt and heart issues are bad). I thought, "LOL, asshole,"...

To preface this, my father has had trouble breathing for the past few weeks but was too stubborn to go to the hospital. We thought maybe it was his COPD or the fact he's under a lot of stress at work and eventually made a doctor's appointment for him.

However, he ended up at the hospital Saturday morning unable to breathe. I woke up to a missed text from my mother saying she was taking him in. So I call her and she casually says that he's in congestive heart failure, "but that's...

I went out last night with some of my friends from school. Another friend of mine who is mutual friends with most of my friends happens to live in the same city as me brought me up to campus. There were a few people I really wished I could have seen but they had other plans so weren't around. So that did make me sad, but I was very happy to see the people I did.

Some of my friends started drinking before we even went out. I had one sip and that was it because I didn't want a repeat...

I might also write this in to HelpLINK.

The depression is still hitting hard since I graduated. I really feel like I have nothing to live for.

I applied for a job as a health aide for the city health department but I didn't get it. My sister also decided to transfer Amazon building so even when I get a start date I probably can't work there unless someone is willing to pick me up at 11 PM each night. But my mom doesn't drive at night that often and my dad wakes up early...

My anxiety and depression are ruining my life. I can't function anymore. I'm tired of being such a failure.

My learner's permit expires May 14 and I doubt I'm going to get my license before then so I might as well dump my money on going through the whole thing again.

I doubt I'll get this job. And it's difficult to find others when I refuse to work retail or food service, am not certified for other jobs I really want, and don't have a driver's license.

...