Feelings and things and stuff. (Trig)

I don't really know where I am going with this so sorry.

The guy that I kissed, I keep blowing him off when he asks to hang out, though the last time I did it I honestly had cramps and felt icky. I'm thinking I might say yes next time, maybe, and hope I can get some weed out of it. Maybe I'd go through kissing him again for a bit more weed.

My best friend's ex boyfriend is talking to me again and I am wondering if that makes me a bad person. He asked if I wanted to hang out and smoke some weed sometime. I said yes, more for the weed than anything else. I said my summer break starts in May so any time during the summer is cool for that, and he said I can even stay the weekend sometime and just get high all night if I wanted to. I'm considering.

He asked if I wanted to be friends with benefits with him and well, THAT I don't know about. I feel like I'd be fucking my friend TBH. But we'll see where things go.

That friend is coming over this weekend if it doesn't snow. I love her to death but I know if I went over her house I'd want to go back home like the second I got there. I just have to clean my room but I can't be assed to.

The only productive things I've done over this spring break so far were go to a wake and funeral. I didn't know him too well but it was really sad, dying of leukemia at such a young age, five days away from his twentieth birthday and he was a good, charitable guy who never complained.

I've been feeling so fidgety and don't want to do much of anything lately. I don't know if that's depression or laziness or what? I don't want to spend tons of time on TH, or talking to specific people. My last two days of spring break, besides the funeral, consisted of laying in bed and watching TV or sleeping. Ate pancakes with my sister and niece today then went back to bed until like almost 4. Nothing really good on TV so fidgety. Scroll through Tumblr, fidgety. Stay on computer, fidgety. I think this goes farther than not having anything to do, to an area of wanting to do things but yet NOT at the same time.

In a way I don't want to exist, and not in a way of suicide. I don't know, I just kind of want to fade away.

Doctor's appointment Wednesday. She's going to notice my scars, no doubt about it. Fortunately my brother in law is driving me to the appointment, not my mom. My doctor is a pediatrician but I am eighteen, so hopefully HIPAA will take over and prevent her from saying anything. I have no problem with telling her how I've been as long as she keeps it between us.

Then a volunteering thing Thursday. Nervous, but it should go great. It's the CT YOUTH Forum, a program I was involved with as a high schooler attending the events. I will now be working with the high schoolers and facilitating the discussion.

Another one on Friday. Again nervous, but hopefully this will go good. True Colors, an LGBT+ event. It happens on the first day of spring so I can't help but say "lol, the queers are blooming."

I'm thinking of using True Colors as a safe space to experiment with using the pronoun "They." I think they have you write your preferred pronouns on your name tag, but I could be wrong. If not, or if I go by "She," it won't be a huge deal though but whatevs.

Also thinking of buying swim trunks for the summer for multiple reasons. One being the scars and the other being I feel so exposed and insecure in women's swim bottoms, ugh.

Still debating telling my sister my sexuality, but scared.

So fat. I've been eating A LOT and unhealthy and not exercising and I have probably gained weight and feel gross. Need to take care of this but can't.

Don't know how I really feel right now, ah well.