Good and bad. (Mild trig in parts)

The end of my week was pretty busy.

The doctor's appointment went pretty decent. I got a referral to a cardiologist to discuss some issues I've been having. My doctor doesn't think that it is a problem but she's more doing a safe than sorry sort of thing. I'm also going to be going for bloodwork.

She says I seem more relaxed now that I'm in college. I don't think she's wrong necessarily. I mean, I do have a really high stress level right now and do have new struggles, but at the same time a lot of the pressure is off me and I am able to handle things like my mental health for myself and also do really fun clubs and just have a bit more freedom. So she's not wrong.

I told her how I was on meds for my mental health. I told her how the meds may be switched or the dose upped and she said that this is normal and she's seen people with higher doses. So it made me feel good to talk to her.

She prescribed me a new birth control where I only get my period four times a year, every three months. I think that will really help me.

Then on Thursday I volunteered for the Connecticut YOUTH Forum. It was an organization I participated in as a student and now I came back as a volunteer. I was really nervous at first but then I got into the swing of things and it was better than expected!

Friday I volunteered at True Colors, an LGBT+ sort of conference. I basically monitored a hall. But, I was waiting for it to out me but apparently my parents are oblivious. I TOLD them I was volunteering at True Colors. I have two rainbow bracelets now, rainbow earrings, and a rainbow tutu, all of which I had that day. But yet they didn't ask? Kay.

Then my friend came over for the weekend. I had fun, but sometimes she did some things in front of my impressionable niece so I was like eeerp. And it's not her, but I get "peopled out" quickly. Like I wanted her to go home within a few hours, and if I were with her, I'd want to go home. But it's like that with a lot of people, not just her. I get overwhelmed quickly. At family parties I get very stressed. So does my mom. So does one of my aunts. At the last party I was starting to get so stressed and my mom noticed. Since the car was broken my dad had the truck so he was taking my mom home, and my aunt was my ride, as well as my sister's and my niece's. My mom told my aunt that I really wanted to go home and she listened and took me home. My mom said my aunt gets kind of uptight in crowded situations like my family. I can relate to that.

After a while I just want to cut myself. I almost took my blade to the bathroom last night to cut because I was just getting overwhelmed with socialization from all I'd done during the week. And now my roommate is in my room since I'm back in the dorms and I really just want to be alone.

She found out I was talking to her ex boyfriend. She was mad at him but not me. I basically told her I was only talking to him for the weed connection. She appreciated that I was honest that I had talked to him and basically got me another weed connection. I told her for most of what he said, I just was going along with what he said and hoping he'd take the hint when I never followed through. But then I realized he'd never take the hint and just left the messages on read. Before she left I gave her money to buy some weed that we can smoke together, once we find a place to.

I still kind of want to cut. I'm still kind of "on edge" I guess. Ah well. Therapy tomorrow. I feel like this week will be overwhelming. I have a lot of stressful assignments to do.

The gender identity thing is still confusing me. I hate getting in the shower because then I see my naked body and get disgusted, which is also part insecurity. I hate seeing my naked breasts. I hate it when I see my nipples through a bra or shirt or something. I don't want them. So idk where I am.

I just don't know how I'm feeling right now honestly.