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And it's all gone terrible (TW - Depression, self harm, grieving)

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Posted March 7th 2019 at 04:36 AM by Hypothesis.

I've been overwhelmed for weeks. It seems like my workload is only increasing and I don't have any time to sit and just relax anymore. Individual projects, group projects, other classwork, exams, committees, organizations. You name it, I'm in it. I don't really socialize anymore either.

I'm getting really run down and overloaded and overwhelmed and depressed. I haven't been to the gym in like two or three weeks and I've been eating like shit and have gained tons of weight. I've been staying up between midnight and 2 AM doing homework then waking up between 8 and 10 am, doing work all day, and then repeating.

My anxiety is also skyrocketing this semester with all I have to do. It feels like nothing is going right and that I'm going to fail everything.

My grandmother passed away on Monday. She was 92 years old and passed away peacefully. While I'm sad that she passed, I did see her on Sunday and am glad I got to see her one last time. I knew based on seeing her that her death was coming, but I didn't expect it to be the very next day. She was starting to lose herself, though. Her memory was slipping and while she'd definitely have lucid days, there were other days where she wouldn't have any idea what was going on. So, I'm glad she was set free before she lost herself fully. Her funeral is Saturday, though, and that will be tough.

I took Monday and Tuesday off to grieve, and it set me back. I canceled all of my meetings except for getting extra help with a professor, and I had her call me instead of meeting in person. But, I regret doing that because I got nothing out of it and it didn't help at all. It wasn't her fault, though. This is material that I really need to be physically shown in person and physically see, and that's not something I can do over the phone.

So, I'm still struggling with the homework in that class. And the project in that class is due soon. And I took a quiz for that class last night and got a 77, and while many of you would think that's a good grade, I'm devastated and scared that the rest will be like that as well. I get extra time on tests for disability accommodations and used all of it, and still got a 77. It brought down my grade and I'll be a failure if I get below an A. I'm a failure.

In another class I was somehow voluntold to lead the project, except everything is going wrong. We only have one specific date that we can use (April 24), but we can't find an available room so we can't book the speakers or the food. Plus we have to apply for a grant for this. Nothing's going right and we are going to fail because of how much of a mess this was and how poorly it was organized by my professor. Most people aren't even participating. I even emailed the professor Monday saying my grandmother passed and I'm playing catch up and don't know how much I'll be able to get done, and she didn't even respond to that.

Then in another one the tests were stressful and I don't think I'll get it back.

Another one the homework is stressful and I don't think I'll pass the certification test.

And another one, I think I'm doing okay but she's so unclear that I'm not sure.

Then I was voluntold to chair a committee and I got ALL this work I need to do today, and I really can't do any of it. I emailed the person I work closely with asking for help, so fingers crossed.

The two classes I want to take next summer also both meet at the same time so I can't do both. This messes up my whole schedule. Plus, the funding application for my thesis is due the 22nd and I'm not ready to submit...

I'm overwhelmed and anxious and avoiding Priority Items and instead doing Not Yet Priority items.

I cut myself today. They were superficial and not as bad as I wanted but I couldn't get it to work. I also lost a majority of my tools somehow and am thinking about buying more.

Lol not okay. But it's not my grandmother's fault, and I hope nobody thinks that. This was starting to build up before that.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Celyn's Avatar
    Sorry to hear about your grandmother and how stressful things have been for you. You definitely sound overwhelmed with everything that's going on. Thinking of you <3
    permalink
    Posted March 7th 2019 at 11:29 AM by Celyn Celyn is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Golfing girl's Avatar
    I'm truly sorry. I hope you will be okay soon. Lots of hugs.
    permalink
    Posted March 7th 2019 at 06:44 PM by Golfing girl Golfing girl is offline
  3. Old Comment
    I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother and that you are struggling right now. You're in my thoughts.
    permalink
    Posted March 10th 2019 at 04:49 PM by Saudade. Saudade. is offline
 


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