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My mental illness won again. (TW - Self Harm, maybe suicide?)

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Posted March 12th 2019 at 04:22 AM by Hypothesis.

My mental illness won. Again. Again it made me give up a potential amazing opportunity without even trying. I was going to apply for funding for my thesis but I'm too depressed to bother and my advisor told me it's not worth it to push myself for something I'm probably not going to be proud of.
But now regardless I'm not going to be proud of the finished product. Because my mental illness won. Again. I gave up. Again. It always wins.

I hate being functionally mentally ill because it's like I'm functional until it matters. Then I lose all functionality. And nowadays my symptoms are Affecting Other People Too.

I have other work piling up too and I just can't do it even though at the same time my mind is screaming at me about all I have to do and not wanting to fail. My normal A student self keeps getting low to mid Cs on tests and my whole plan of study was blown and I don't have any sort of plan anymore. I'm out of control. But I'm doing nothing but blob.

Normally the anxiety dominates the depression and I'd rather have that. But the depression is taking over and nothing is happy anymore and nothing is fun and I don't actually WANT to do anything. I just want to give up. And idk if I mean that in a suicidal way but I wouldn't object to dying?

I self harmed the other day. Very minor. But I also ended up buying new tools. I accidentally left them at school and am on spring break so I won't use them for another week anyway.

While this happened at the same time as my grandmother's death, I'm actually at peace with her death. This depressive episode is separate and it's so bad and it's one of the worst ones I've had and I just don't know what to do. Mental illness, you win. I've let everyone down. I've let myself down. I've given up again. I'm tired of mental illness winning.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    .:Bibliophile:.'s Avatar
    I'm here if you want to talk. I think you're really strong and brave.
    permalink
    Posted March 12th 2019 at 01:31 PM by .:Bibliophile:. .:Bibliophile:. is offline
  2. Old Comment
    You are such a wonderful person, do not let your mental illness define who you are or what you will become.

    Thinking of you, here to talk or listen.
    permalink
    Posted March 12th 2019 at 05:01 PM by Saudade. Saudade. is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Celyn's Avatar
    I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment, but you are more than the depression. Hang in there
    permalink
    Posted March 12th 2019 at 09:00 PM by Celyn Celyn is offline
 


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