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Old

I wanna die (TW: suicide)

Posted October 6th 2018 at 05:10 AM by Melancholia. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

Iím not okay in a different way than normal. The depression is hitting me in ways it never has before.

It hurts so bad

Iím closer to killing myself than i ever have been before.

I want to do damage.

But i wonít. Iíll jusg go on and smile and pretend everything is great while secretly hoping I drop dead tomorrow.

l o l
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Devil Dez
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 87 Comments 5 Melancholia. is offline
Old

An update on my father II/Other life stuff

Posted June 19th 2018 at 04:32 AM by Melancholia. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

These blogs will probably get more infrequent, as it's starting to slow down a bit.

I'm not sure what exactly happened today. I woke up this morning and my breathing felt weird, but it's also very hot out so I figured it could be asthma. My chest is itchy from a rash I have, maybe from the heat, so I turned on my phone camera to look at it and.. My face just didn't feel right? It just felt like that shouldn't be my face. The features weren't right? The forehead was wrong and the chin...
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Devil Dez
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 183 Comments 1 Melancholia. is offline
Old

An update on my father

Posted June 18th 2018 at 03:54 AM by Melancholia. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I don't think this is triggering but if anyone is triggered by medical related things, this will be talking about some! Also a mention of food/weight related issues pertaining to myself, but no numbers!

I checked my mom's phone last night to make sure she didn't miss any calls from the hospital since her hearing isn't the greatest. My dad had texted her around 8:30 PM, joking that he's eating ice chips with no salt (since salt and heart issues are bad). I thought, "LOL, asshole,"...
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Devil Dez
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 272 Comments 2 Melancholia. is offline
Old

My father is in the hospital (trig illness, grieving)

Posted June 17th 2018 at 06:54 AM by Melancholia. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

To preface this, my father has had trouble breathing for the past few weeks but was too stubborn to go to the hospital. We thought maybe it was his COPD or the fact he's under a lot of stress at work and eventually made a doctor's appointment for him.

However, he ended up at the hospital Saturday morning unable to breathe. I woke up to a missed text from my mother saying she was taking him in. So I call her and she casually says that he's in congestive heart failure, "but that's...
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Devil Dez
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 192 Comments 5 Melancholia. is offline
Old

I went out last night. (TW - Substances - Alcohol)

Posted April 16th 2018 at 05:58 AM by Melancholia. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated April 16th 2018 at 06:17 AM by Melancholia.

I went out last night with some of my friends from school. Another friend of mine who is mutual friends with most of my friends happens to live in the same city as me brought me up to campus. There were a few people I really wished I could have seen but they had other plans so weren't around. So that did make me sad, but I was very happy to see the people I did.

Some of my friends started drinking before we even went out. I had one sip and that was it because I didn't want a repeat...
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Devil Dez
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 125 Comments 1 Melancholia. is offline
Old

I'm settling.

Posted April 10th 2018 at 04:42 AM by Melancholia. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I might also write this in to HelpLINK.

The depression is still hitting hard since I graduated. I really feel like I have nothing to live for.

I applied for a job as a health aide for the city health department but I didn't get it. My sister also decided to transfer Amazon building so even when I get a start date I probably can't work there unless someone is willing to pick me up at 11 PM each night. But my mom doesn't drive at night that often and my dad wakes up early...
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Devil Dez
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 114 Comments 0 Melancholia. is offline
Old

I'm tired of being a failure.

Posted March 17th 2018 at 05:42 AM by Melancholia. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

My anxiety and depression are ruining my life. I can't function anymore. I'm tired of being such a failure.

My learner's permit expires May 14 and I doubt I'm going to get my license before then so I might as well dump my money on going through the whole thing again.

I doubt I'll get this job. And it's difficult to find others when I refuse to work retail or food service, am not certified for other jobs I really want, and don't have a driver's license.

...
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Devil Dez
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 116 Comments 3 Melancholia. is offline
Old

I'm tired of the depression. (Triggering)

Posted February 27th 2018 at 04:45 AM by Melancholia. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated February 27th 2018 at 06:19 AM by Melancholia.

First blog using my new theme. Shoutout to the person who organized this for me!

The depression has been back in varying degrees since I graduated in December. I have nothing to do. I got a job at Amazon and it's been about a month since my drug test results showed that I'm not on drugs and I got my official offer to work. However, I still haven't gotten a start date. Fortunately they email me an update every week saying that they don't have a date for me yet either because they...
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Devil Dez
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 101 Comments 1 Melancholia. is offline
Old

Standstill (trig in parts?)

Posted January 8th 2018 at 05:30 AM by Melancholia. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I finished school on the fourteenth of December. I know that wasn't that long ago but I am already in a standstill.

I applied for three jobs. I know two of them were out of my league, but I worked at the company before so I was hoping I'd get a leg up. The other was the YMCA in my city as a front-desk person about a week or two ago and I haven't gotten a call back.

I don't know where else to apply. The local health departments around here aren't hiring, the nonprofits...
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Devil Dez
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 137 Comments 0 Melancholia. is offline
Old

Off my meds. (Trig?)

Posted November 7th 2017 at 05:19 AM by Melancholia. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I am off my meds totally now after weaning off and the depression has already hit. I'm angry, sad, miserable. I have been having self harm urges but since it's been almost two and a half years I never have my tools on me anymore. I'm starting to think about taking them again.

I give up on learning how to drive. I accidentally hit the gas instead of the brake. We were in reverse so we reversed fast and almost went up and over a curb. I'll never get my license which means I'll never get...
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Devil Dez
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 80 Comments 1 Melancholia. is offline


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