I hate this so much. (TRIGGERING)

No matter how many times people try to convince me otherwise, no matter how many times I try to convince myself otherwise, I always feel in my heart that I'll never be good enough. That no matter how hard I try it'll never be enough. That I'll never succeed. That nothing will ever change for me.

I go through periods of doing good. Today was one of my better days in THREE WEEKS. But I know it won't last. It never lasts. I've been so depressed lately even though I never show it, everything has been setting me off and I wish people would notice this and care. I've been self harming so much and again it's in obvious places and while I can easily hide it at home I don't bother at school and nobody sees the signs. Or doesn't care. Or they're unsure. I wish some teacher would ask me if I'm okay so I could say no. Because right now I'm not.

I wish I could tell my therapist just how bad it is that I feel, but she's leaving soon and I don't want to start that. And she'd tell my parents because what I've been thinking again is that I want to be dead. I don't know if I'd ever be able to actually attempt suicide, but I'd rather be dead. People piss me off lately, I never feel good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, ANYTHING enough. I can be happy but it is shortlived and I wish someone would help me, COULD help me. I wish I could tell my parents but they'd yell at me, punish me, not help me. I feel alone, trapped until I'm eighteen and can legally say I want to be fucking dead without them down my throat.

I just want to get better and it's so hard and I don't know if I can make it until I'm eighteen. Two years and exactly one month to go. Can I get that far?