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I saw the counsellor today... (may be triggering?)

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Posted December 5th 2012 at 10:10 PM by Melancholia.
Updated December 6th 2012 at 03:22 AM by Melancholia.

I saw C for the first time today. She's the lady that will be my counsellor until January, and then another woman named J is taking over. It kinda sucks that C will only be there until January, because she seems really nice. The only thing I didn't like was the fact that she used the term "self-mutilation" once. I hate that word.

But as I said, she seemed really nice and she is the type of woman to ask questions. I trust her, I really do, but I don't know how much I'll be able to tell her without my parents finding out. My previous therapists had been the type where as long as they don't think I'm an immediate risk to myself. I think this one is different. And that scares me because I can't be as open. But it's certainly better than nothing. She even knew I was Canadian-French just by calling my grandparents Memere and Pepere. Apparently she told my mom that I was really intelligent.

She knew of the Butterfly Project and that was good. Of all four now (soon to be five after January, damn. -.-) counselors I have had, not one has suggested the Butterfly Project besides her. She said to use it when I have the urge to cut. I've been slacking on that and maybe I should. It does help with the smaller urges, but I know with ones such as the breakdown I had like two weeks ago it may not. But I made a pretty butterfly anyway and colored it in. By pretty, I mean a deformed, coloured blob.

She mentioned feeling safe a lot. Do I feel safe right now. Things like that. Do I? Right then, sure I did. I didn't have any urges to cut. But sometimes I can say no. No I really don't feel safe and maybe I could try to find alternatives but in the moment... Ugh. It's... I get why she has to tell someone but why can't she just be like my previous therapists? :/ Just because I did it a few days ago doesn't mean I will again. Some days the alternatives will work and other days I'll have a slip up.

We were filling out the checklist thing, and on it there were questions about behavioural health. One of them was asking if I've ever experienced anxiety. I checked yes because it didn't say diagnosed with anything and well, I get anxious over everything. My mom also checked off sadness/mood swings because, as she put it, I can get "downright nasty." Finally she notices something.

But, I guess I'm looking forward to trying her out, as well as the next lady. This one seems nice, anyway. I do have a lot on my mind though about this, and I'm nervous.
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  1. Old Comment
    Thereishope's Avatar
    Hey there Dezi Wezi! Sorry that you're being bounced around councilors, although I do understand the reasons. It's good to see that you're getting the support you deserve. Keep up the good work! As always you can talk to me about anything, always here to help!
    Posted December 6th 2012 at 04:20 AM by Thereishope Thereishope is offline
  2. Old Comment
    i_like_black's Avatar
    I also am loathe of the phrase "self-mutilation", to the point where I feel unable to work with anybody who refers to my self-harm as such. The best phrase that I ever came across was when Melodie was my psychologist, and she used the term "DSH", denoting deliberate self-harm, on the understanding that sometimes when our minds aren't entirely present we may unintentionally self-harm.

    It's good that you like C and feel you can work with her, and I hope you are able to be as comfortable with your new person in the new year.
    Posted December 6th 2012 at 04:28 AM by i_like_black i_like_black is offline

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