I saw the counsellor today... (may be triggering?)

I saw C for the first time today. She's the lady that will be my counsellor until January, and then another woman named J is taking over. It kinda sucks that C will only be there until January, because she seems really nice. The only thing I didn't like was the fact that she used the term "self-mutilation" once. I hate that word.

But as I said, she seemed really nice and she is the type of woman to ask questions. I trust her, I really do, but I don't know how much I'll be able to tell her without my parents finding out. My previous therapists had been the type where as long as they don't think I'm an immediate risk to myself. I think this one is different. And that scares me because I can't be as open. But it's certainly better than nothing. She even knew I was Canadian-French just by calling my grandparents Memere and Pepere. Apparently she told my mom that I was really intelligent.

She knew of the Butterfly Project and that was good. Of all four now (soon to be five after January, damn. -.-) counselors I have had, not one has suggested the Butterfly Project besides her. She said to use it when I have the urge to cut. I've been slacking on that and maybe I should. It does help with the smaller urges, but I know with ones such as the breakdown I had like two weeks ago it may not. But I made a pretty butterfly anyway and colored it in. By pretty, I mean a deformed, coloured blob.

She mentioned feeling safe a lot. Do I feel safe right now. Things like that. Do I? Right then, sure I did. I didn't have any urges to cut. But sometimes I can say no. No I really don't feel safe and maybe I could try to find alternatives but in the moment... Ugh. It's... I get why she has to tell someone but why can't she just be like my previous therapists? :/ Just because I did it a few days ago doesn't mean I will again. Some days the alternatives will work and other days I'll have a slip up.

We were filling out the checklist thing, and on it there were questions about behavioural health. One of them was asking if I've ever experienced anxiety. I checked yes because it didn't say diagnosed with anything and well, I get anxious over everything. My mom also checked off sadness/mood swings because, as she put it, I can get "downright nasty." Finally she notices something.

But, I guess I'm looking forward to trying her out, as well as the next lady. This one seems nice, anyway. I do have a lot on my mind though about this, and I'm nervous.