Christmas Eve and Christmas... (Triggering)

I'll start with Christmas first. It was cool, any other day. I got the clothes I wanted, a lava lamp, season 1 of Law & Order: SVU, Sims, and books. So basically besides family time I was reading Tilt by Ellen Hopkins (Finished it!) and playing Sims all day. It was awesome. And my sister liked the gift I got her. We even got gifts for my niece even though technically she's not here yet. Expect another blog entry when she arrives, and maybe a forum post.

But Christmas Eve? Yesterday was hell. I've NEVER been that down on a holiday, NEVER. I didn't self harm but I came so close to, and the only thing that stopped me was the fact that it was a holiday. If it was a normal day like today? Forget it. My stomach would have cuts everywhere, and maybe other parts of me as well. I even started to plan suicide again, think about what it'd be like to just OD and cut a lot and then just...go I guess. I wouldn't even care if I'd die or if my parents would find me and lock me up. So, I don't know if I would be reaching out or what but the thoughts of suicide and self harm plagued me all yesterday. And honestly, while the thoughts have subsided, they're not fully away. It's like they have their hold on my brain. Plan the suicide, self harm.

I dunno how much longer I can stay strong.

Was talking to a guy on the night of Christmas Eve. He'd said that life is something I can't give up on. Or I'd be failing a responsibility. Yeah? True. I'd be failing and I hate failure but if I died I'd never have another one ever again.