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I am nothing. (Trig)

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Posted February 16th 2014 at 08:05 PM by Melancholia.

My friends tell me all of these cool stories about the things they do. And even stories that I shouldn't approve of but I wish I could do and get away with anyway. Going to parties, hanging out with friends, hell, even drinking and shoplifting and getting away with both. Buying this and that, getting tattoos/piercings, dying their hair. Getting new cars. Doing all of these good things for the community. Getting some award.

Having some talent. They all sing, dance, do something. Because I have no talents. Hell, I can barely brush my own hair. And I'm not even exaggerating there when I say that. I always mess up the part or leave it bumpy looking. And I can't cook. I've never done laundry a day in my life. Let alone have a talent? People say I'm good at writing but no, I'm really not. It's really shit. They say I'm good at school but no, it's more a matter of my teachers are really easy graders so it's easy to get a good grade.

Have interests. I really don't. Some have cool dramas they watch, they do the talent show, they have all of these cool life experiences. Me? Not really. I've even almost lost interest in reading. I barely even read anymore when that used to be my favorite past time. I sit on the computer or sleep 99.9% of the time. And sometimes I miss invites to go places because I sleep through the invite.

Having achievements/awards. I don't get any of those really, besides the whole "Oh, you got high grades."

I sometimes try and convince myself college will be different but I realize no. I'm on the low end of the totem pole now, so why will that be different in college? I'm not going to be invited to cool parties in college, or have cool friends. I tell myself I'll get cool tattoos and piercings but I'm probably too much of a chicken and they'll probably get infected anyway. I'll probably stress about my grades in college to the point of having an aneurism but that's about it.

And work. I'll need to get a job but that's scary. I almost had a job once but backed out because I got too anxious. Applying for scholarships there's a work experience section that I leave blank. I probably won't get any scholarships anyway.

That and I haven't applied for any really and the deadlines are very close. So I'm probably not going to meet the deadlines.

Maybe that's my unconscious mind telling me something, that I won't be successful in college anyway. My therapist seems to think I'll blossom. Maybe, but I don't think so. I think I'll just spiral even farther downward. I wonder if college will drive me to kill myself finally. I think it just might be what causes me to die. I've already wondered what days would be best to do it in college anyway, some vacation or what. I'll probably lose the scholarship I got from them anyway.

I wonder if I'll self harm more in college because I won't be home except for on the weekends for my parents to stop me. I wonder how much I'll eat. I say that I'll eat a lot less in college and maybe lose weight but I'm a pig anyway.

Speaking of self harm. I have a doctor's appointment Tuesday and that's when shit is going to seriously go down. I have so many scars and my doctor is a mandatory reporter and she'll have to tell my mom and then she'll know and scream at me about how I'm just attention seeking again, and probably ground me and take my phone and computer because that's what she does. So wish me luck.

On the bright side, I've lasted almost a month without cutting just because I want to play it off like all the scars are old, so I can tell my doctor that I haven't in a while and I see a therapist so at least someone knows. But I bet that won't convince her not to tell.

But I also bet that as soon as the appointment is over I'll cut again. I don't even have a trigger right now and I'm actually in a good mood, I just want to break the cycle of no self harm.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Thereishope's Avatar
    Hey there Dez!

    I can so relate to you so much. I know it's hard to be in your situation but things can and will get better. Also don't worry about if you have interests in this or that or that you don't have interests in certain things. You're still a great person in my book. You've always been there for me when I needed someone to talk to about things or just to goof off with. As for eventual working, you'll figure things out and find a job that works for you. Not sure if you've talked to your therapist about that, but it might be something to discuss with her. I'm sure she can help you with ways to stay calm and focused etc. You can be successful, granted it might not be in things you initially set out to do but you can still be successful. Actually you're already successful in things. For one, you've made it this far in life, in school. As I mentioned before you are a great friend, and just because of your anxiety not allowing you to do certain things, etc..that doesn't mean you're not a good friend in any way. For me, 1 of my biggest struggles is trying to word things right. It used to prevent me from talking much when I was younger, and even now I still struggle with it and worry, but I've made a lot of progress in it and you can make progress in the things you struggle with as well.

    As for your up coming appointment, hopefully that goes well and you'll have nothing to worry about, BUT in the off chance things don't work out well, don't let that get you down and consider giving up trying, etc. Use it to focus harder on trying to get better, just like you've been trying lately. Yes it is hard but I know you can do it. Well, mind has kinda gone blank now so I'll end with this. If you ever need to talk about anything, you know where I am and remember..you got dis!
    permalink
    Posted February 16th 2014 at 08:50 PM by Thereishope Thereishope is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Yeah, sometimes people do go out and party and go nuts. It doesn't mean you have to do the same to be "cool". You're cool for being who you are. Sure, it might be fun. But I think what you're doing is really important and will get you far in the future, and secure a happy future. You're focusing on your grades and you're going to college. You seem like a smart person. And you know, maybe college will be different. You'll meet new people to become friends with, have new experiences. I think you'll have a lot of fun.

    I'm sure you're talented at some things. A lot of people have to explore and practice different things. I bet that if you find something and stick with it, you'll be a pro.

    A month free of self-harm? That's really impressive, you should be proud of yourself. Even if you do relapse, you went a long while and that counts for something. If you're resisting urges right now, you can do it in college as well. You've proved you're strong enough, so keep trying and don't give in. Some people are stronger than they believe. You can do this. <3
    permalink
    Posted February 18th 2014 at 04:47 AM by
 


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