Standstill (trig in parts?)

I finished school on the fourteenth of December. I know that wasn't that long ago but I am already in a standstill.

I applied for three jobs. I know two of them were out of my league, but I worked at the company before so I was hoping I'd get a leg up. The other was the YMCA in my city as a front-desk person about a week or two ago and I haven't gotten a call back.

I don't know where else to apply. The local health departments around here aren't hiring, the nonprofits either want bilingual as a requirement, aren't hiring, or are out of my qualifications as an entry-level public health professional. I also don't drive so I can't go too far out of my town or the next town over. Plus interacting with people in that fashion is just a no. They're so mean. I looked at Amazon because they have a warehouse in the next town over and my sister works there, but they're not hiring anymore. i would rather die than work retail. I tried that once when I worked at CVS and my mental health took a nosedive.

So that leaves me with no options.

I did apply for grad school back at where I went for undergrad, but so many people are telling me not to go back there since I was already there for undergrad. They tell me that I'm a good student and to reach for bigger and better schools, and with all that I've done I'll probably earn a scholarship. The problems with that are that I haven't taken the GRE and most schools require it, mine does not. I also don't want to go out of state and there are a very limited amount of schools in my state that offer an MPH. My school does, Yale does (good luck on ever affording that), UCONN does. But UCONN doesn't impress me. It's all hyped up because of the Huskies. Sure the academics are probably good, but I can't get over the hype. There's another one in CT that's listed but it's not on the CEPH's list of accredited schools for an MPH and it is also a BRAND NEW program, as in starting Fall 2018, so I'm not doing that.

Plus, scholarships? I doubt I'd get enough to cover Yale. UCONN, maybe enough to defray the costs. Probably not even enough to defray the costs of my current school. I didn't even get good scholarships for undergrad and I was the valedictorian of my high school and still was involved in things then.

So, that leaves me with being mediocre for the rest of my life.

But one of the professors that said I should apply elsewhere called me "special," "incredibly bright, enormously dedicated, and so driven." But I'm not. I'm driven and dedicated sure, but I'm average and always will be average. There will always be people who can do more, be more. Something always gets in my way. I always get in my way. I'm destined to be mediocre and average.

On the topic of driving, I am working on it. I drove on the highway for the first time the other day and I did pretty good according to my dad, but I did veer to the right a little sometimes and I have a hard time with lane changes, which is needed on my highway system because we have a lot of left-side exits in Connecticut. The highway I was on doesn't allow trucks but others do. I was going to Walmart, though, and I was next to a truck for a while and I knew eventually it was either going to go into my lane or turn, and my dad said to get out of its blind spot. I got so nervous around the truck that I drove past Walmart and had to turn around, and my nerves were still up there so then I stopped well after a stop line. I also don't know if I'll be confident to drive alone any time soon, even if I do get a license, so there's that. I'll need to drive to school though so that's a problem. Worst case scenario I can take a train in and then my school has a shuttle from the train station to my school, but taking a train also costs money. And I don't have money because I don't have a job, and cycle continues.

I've also gained so much weight and haven't been able to go the gym and haven't changed my eating habits and it keeps piling on and I have no self-control and this is why I'm obese.

The past few weeks have been me literally just laying in bed watching Netflix or Hulu or sleeping. I did spend some time with a friend over the weekend and that was nice, but then I knew I'd have to come back to this standstill of a life.

So I guess that probably means my depression is returning? Hahaaaa.