I'm tired of the depression. (Triggering)

First blog using my new theme. Shoutout to the person who organized this for me!

The depression has been back in varying degrees since I graduated in December. I have nothing to do. I got a job at Amazon and it's been about a month since my drug test results showed that I'm not on drugs and I got my official offer to work. However, I still haven't gotten a start date. Fortunately they email me an update every week saying that they don't have a date for me yet either because they are having a hard time matching the schedule I need or because they haven't had an orientation yet. So I know they haven't forgotten about me.

I'd like to start though because I really need something to do and also because my bank account is dwindling fast. I have multiple large purchases to make soon too so it'll drain even faster. I'd also like money to treat myself.

I'm scared I won't be able to do it though because it's a lot of lifting heavy things and you're on your feet constantly. I'm scared I'll be too slow or need help too much and they'll fire me and then I'll have that on my resume. The other good thing about the Amazon job is my cousin who works there said they're extremely flexible with your college schedule. I'd like to go to grad school in August 2019. My cousin said if you give them your schedule in advance they'll work with it. I asked if I can change my schedule every semester since I won't necessarily have the same class days/times every semester and she said she thinks yes. So if I get fired I lose that flexibility.

I also applied for a job with my city working in the school as a health aide. It's mainly clerical but in the absence of a nurse I'd be doing things like making the decision if a kid needs to go home sick and things like that. The description said I'd also be doing things like assisting with vision screenings. I probably won't get it. I'm not qualified. They ask for a high school diploma and I have that but they want clerical experience. I am certified in Office through my high school and I feel as if I was taught to be a glorified secretary in my program, but it's not actual work experience. I didn't even get a call back for a position at the front desk of my local YMCA. :/

I looked into other jobs but the application for my hospital is so confusing I gave up. I also don't want retail. So the options are limited.

I was interviewed for an award but my anxiety got the best of me and I stammered and kept forgetting the question halfway through. I know I messed up my chances for that honor too, and so many people were rooting for me.

I also am worried that I am wasting my time with grad school. What if I'm not successful? I was also encouraged to apply to other schools but what if I don't get in or they don't want me? I'd then still end up at Southern, but with more money and time wasted.

I am also feeling very left out. My friends are hanging out without me since I'm not there, and obviously I expected that to happen since the world doesn't revolve around me, but it sucks because I'm lonely and can barely see them. I did visit on Valentine's Day though and it was very nice to see everyone. I even miss going to class and feeling like I have a purpose.

I am left out of the two senior trips too. Their reasoning is I technically already graduated even though I don't walk the stage until May, so I'm a liability. One trip is a casino trip but one is to Florida. They said that technically I was eligible to go on last year's trip, but I was never invited to that so I don't find it fair. Some of my friends are very excited to go and even though it's selfish I am going to hide their posts when they start talking about the trips when they happen.

It's hard to hang out with any of my friends though because they live so far away. I don't have my driver's license so it makes it hard to go up to see them.

It seems like it's going to be a very long time to get my license because I really don't want it and driving makes me nervous so I avoid it. I still suck at parking and I keep screwing up every lesson my dad tries to give me. My permit expires in May and then I have to get it again. My parents are getting mad because I can't drive myself anywhere so they have to. I'm getting frustrated because I can't do what I want but also hate driving so much and would rather do anything but. Unfortunately, most careers in my profession also require driving so I'm screwed out of any job, or any certifications for said jobs, until I can drive.

I did see two friends on Friday but I ruined it. I really did, and I am such a terrible person. I drank way too much and threw up on my friend's floor. Then I spent the next hour or two throwing up until they called my sister. My friend said that she got it out of her area rug and both friends say they don't hate me for it and that it happens to everyone at least once, but I still feel like they secretly do hate me and that they'll never want to go out with me again. I guess I understand it if they don't invite me anywhere. We said that next time we should do dinner instead, but if they don't want to hang out with me it's okay. I ruin everything.

I spend my day doing absolutely nothing but lay in bed. I sleep all the time, or I'll stay up all night watching things online or doing whatever and then sleep all day. It's rare that I get out to do anything besides grocery shop with my mom, but I feel like I have nothing to do. I went to the gym today but without a license I can't make that an every day thing. I wish I could because I really hate how I look and know my weight is unhealthily high for me but I can't motivate myself to exercise outside the gym. I want to go for walks but don't want to alone. If I'm home, instead of exercising or finding something to do (which there's not much to do in my house or even around town) I just sleep. I want to go to the mall but I also don't have money to spend. I could for the exercise. I could try on dresses for my graduation but I'd have nobody there to tell me how they look on me.

I've been self harm free for over two and a half years but the urges are getting harder to avoid. I still have the tools, so it would be so easy. I don't know why I'm bothering to resist anymore.

I feel like I'm forever going to be a failure without a real job. I feel like I'm going to lose all my friends, in part because I'm great at messing things up but also just because we will barely get to see each other. I feel like I'm going to be a nobody and get nowhere in life and just be miserable forever. Maybe I'm better off dead.