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I'm settling.

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Posted April 10th 2018 at 03:42 AM by Ennui.

I might also write this in to HelpLINK.

The depression is still hitting hard since I graduated. I really feel like I have nothing to live for.

I applied for a job as a health aide for the city health department but I didn't get it. My sister also decided to transfer Amazon building so even when I get a start date I probably can't work there unless someone is willing to pick me up at 11 PM each night. But my mom doesn't drive at night that often and my dad wakes up early for work every day so I can't put that on him.

My sister said she has an application to a grocery store for me and that it's a really easy store. They let you sit apparently and you also apparently don't even have to bag, the customers bag themselves. She said if I'm not ringing people out I'll probably just have to stock shelves. She's never worked there but she shops there. I really am scared to work retail though. Also I don't want to quit in a year if they're unwilling to work around my schedule when I go to grad school. But there's nothing open in my major around that doesn't require a driver's license or to be bilingual, and I can't travel to a job farther out since I don't have a license. So I'll settle for this retail job if I do decide to apply and probably end up working there forever instead of just temporarily. And that's if I can even get a ride to work.

The test for my license is April 21. I don't know if I'll pass but as I mentioned in a previous blog entry, my permit expires May 14 and then I have to start the entire process all over again. My dad keeps saying he will refuse to drive me places if I fail but I don't know if he'll stick to that. It's such a waste of money.

I signed up for the GRE but I think I'm going to cancel it. I'll get like half of my testing fee back so it's not terrible. Could be better, but could be worse. I took the practice test and got eight out of 40 math problems right and 26 out of 40 of the English problems right. There were also two essays that I don't know how I did on. So why am I going to waste a few hours to take a test that I'll fail?

Forget about Yale, the school I have always dreamed of going to. Forget about UCONN. I'll just go back to Southern where they don't require the test. I won't broaden my horizons or get new experiences. I was already technically accepted into Southern actually but I have to defer a year. I think I would need to take the GRE again years from now to get the PHD I want in the future too, so forget that as well. I'll just settle for mediocracy and give up on my dreams. I'll be miserable, but aren't most people anyway? Don't most people settle for what they have? I'll be just like them.

I see all my friends doing things in school and having fun and I miss all that. I regret graduating early. I also regret not doing some of the things I should have while in school to the point where I've dreamed about doing them. I won't have the opportunity to do them in grad school either, so I lose out.

Now I have nothing, I am nothing, and I will be nothing. I'll just settle. Misery is a way of life though, so I'll just fall into the routine.
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