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Old

IOP 3 days a week, work

Posted Today at 10:44 PM by Wheek! (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I am moving down to doing IOP 3 days per week next week, which also means I'll be done with the program and back to just outpatient very soon. I'd be doing a group therapy session once per week and seeing my regular therapist again. I'm scared that I'm not actually ready to leave group and the comfort it brings. But, I think I've made progress too.

It also means I'm that much closer to going full time in March. I'm scared. I want to prove to myself that I can do it but what if I can't?...
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Old

Told my mom about my bipolar. (SH)

Posted January 14th 2022 at 02:03 AM by Wheek! (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated January 14th 2022 at 02:29 AM by Wheek!

I told my mom I go to therapy daily and have bipolar. She was cool with the therapy part I think but when it came to the bipolar she said Iím a hypochondriac and itís bullshit.

She also then texted me and said she read that bipolar is caused by your period. What?? I didnít have the energy to correct her.

I numbed myself immediately but still ended up cutting. I hope that isnít enough to give me a grippy sock vacation. I donít cut often.

I still feel...
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Old

Failed my driving test again. TW SH

Posted December 23rd 2021 at 12:30 AM by Wheek! (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I took my driving test today and failed right off the bat. It's not that I don't know how to drive. I did fine when it was me and the instructor. But as soon as the person administering the test comes, I freeze up and panic hardcore so I make a lot of stupid mistakes I wouldn't have otherwise.

I had a major panic attack in the parking lot of the DMV and the poor driving school instructor who I went with had to deal with me hyperventilating and sniffling.
...
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Eat, sleep, repeat!
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Old

Hallucination, self harm, IOP (TW-self harm)

Posted December 15th 2021 at 11:01 PM by Wheek! (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I hallucinated a tarantula yesterday. I saw it crawling on my ceiling and then down my wall. I also hear my phone ringing all the time when it's not, to the point I stop and listen for it.

Work has been a very big source of my anxiety lately. I've been having to take Ativan to go to work and it's not actually doing a lot to help with the anxiety. I'm making stupid mistakes and it's just not a good time for me.

I have self-harmed again as well. I want to do it again...
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Views 62 Comments 0 Wheek! is offline
Old

Progress report. (TW-Self harm)

Posted December 13th 2021 at 08:58 PM by Wheek! (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated December 13th 2021 at 10:52 PM by Wheek!

I wonder what would have happened if I did go to the hospital the other day. I think I should have.

I wonder if I still should, although I'm doing better than I was. Like, what "qualifies" someone for the hospital? I'm not going to go, though.

I still have to take Ativan before work and get the urge to self harm. I'm still feeling impulsive and want to buy new tools. My friend changed my Amazon password for me so I can't go on it and buy tools.
The...
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Old

Suicidal (Triggering: Suicide, self harm)

Posted December 9th 2021 at 10:11 PM by Wheek! (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

Never before have I scared a therapist so much that she doesn't want me to have access to my own medication. She wants me to get a safe and give my mom the key, but I am not going to do that. Never before have I ever had a therapist call me sounding panicked because with the email I sent she was worried and wanted to talk to me to make sure I didn't have any intent to harm myself. Never before have I needed daily check ins. I guess there's a fist time for everything.

I don't have...
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Posted in Uncategorized
Views 91 Comments 3 Wheek! is offline
Old

I'll never feel great mentally.

Posted September 18th 2021 at 02:29 AM by Wheek! (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated September 19th 2021 at 12:04 AM by Wheek!

My prescriber and I were having a conversation the other day.

She said something that's staying with me. She doesn't think there will be a time where I'll meet with her and say "I feel great!" I tend to get overwhelmed with emotions, any type of emotion, and go off the deep end quickly. We decided we are satisfied when I feel numb. Numb isn't impulsive. Numb isn't too depressed to function or doing something stupid while hypomanic.

But her not thinking that...
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Posted in Uncategorized
Views 161 Comments 0 Wheek! is offline
Old

My medical saga continues!

Posted June 24th 2021 at 03:16 AM by Wheek! (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I've been having ear issues again for a while lately so I visited an ENT today. She said that as far as the ears, there are a few things that could be going on. One possible thing that could be an issue is my braces. They are realigning and shifting everything and sometimes that can cause pain in the ears, combined with tooth grinding. I also had wax and a hair in my ear, LOL. She wanted to clean it out today, but I absolutely panicked and couldn't do it. After growing up with ear issues, having...
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Old

Terrible/failed IOP intake

Posted April 13th 2021 at 08:09 PM by Wheek! (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

My medication prescriber wanted me to get more intensive care and suggested IOP because itís intensive and also involves group therapy so I can get feedback and connect with people. I had the intake today.

They didnít inform me of the fact Iíll have to take a drug test today and that Iíll have to randomly take them to get treatment. I am not even here for the substance use side of things and am kind of angry because although itís a reasonable request I get very pee shy and if theyíre...
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Old

Medical Mess and Other Life Updates (possibly a slight trigger for abuse in one spot/illness of a family member)

Posted September 7th 2019 at 01:04 AM by Wheek! (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I've been seeing a lot of doctors lately for a lot of different things, and none of them are really giving me any answers. It started last fall and has been a nonstop issue ever since.

Some of my providers have been concerned about my tachycardia, or too fast heart rate. I saw a cardiologist who had me on a monitor and said it's all anxiety, so I'm on a new medication that lowers the heart rate and also can have added benefits of helping me with my anxiety and helping prevent some...
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