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Old

I'll never feel great mentally.

Posted September 18th 2021 at 01:29 AM by Wheek! (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated September 18th 2021 at 11:04 PM by Wheek!

My prescriber and I were having a conversation the other day.

She said something that's staying with me. She doesn't think there will be a time where I'll meet with her and say "I feel great!" I tend to get overwhelmed with emotions, any type of emotion, and go off the deep end quickly. We decided we are satisfied when I feel numb. Numb isn't impulsive. Numb isn't too depressed to function or doing something stupid while hypomanic.

But her not thinking that...
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Old

My medical saga continues!

Posted June 24th 2021 at 02:16 AM by Wheek! (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I've been having ear issues again for a while lately so I visited an ENT today. She said that as far as the ears, there are a few things that could be going on. One possible thing that could be an issue is my braces. They are realigning and shifting everything and sometimes that can cause pain in the ears, combined with tooth grinding. I also had wax and a hair in my ear, LOL. She wanted to clean it out today, but I absolutely panicked and couldn't do it. After growing up with ear issues, having...
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Old

Terrible/failed IOP intake

Posted April 13th 2021 at 07:09 PM by Wheek! (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

My medication prescriber wanted me to get more intensive care and suggested IOP because itís intensive and also involves group therapy so I can get feedback and connect with people. I had the intake today.

They didnít inform me of the fact Iíll have to take a drug test today and that Iíll have to randomly take them to get treatment. I am not even here for the substance use side of things and am kind of angry because although itís a reasonable request I get very pee shy and if theyíre...
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Old

Medical Mess and Other Life Updates (possibly a slight trigger for abuse in one spot/illness of a family member)

Posted September 7th 2019 at 12:04 AM by Wheek! (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I've been seeing a lot of doctors lately for a lot of different things, and none of them are really giving me any answers. It started last fall and has been a nonstop issue ever since.

Some of my providers have been concerned about my tachycardia, or too fast heart rate. I saw a cardiologist who had me on a monitor and said it's all anxiety, so I'm on a new medication that lowers the heart rate and also can have added benefits of helping me with my anxiety and helping prevent some...
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Old

My mental illness won again. (TW - Self Harm, maybe suicide?)

Posted March 12th 2019 at 04:22 AM by Wheek! (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

My mental illness won. Again. Again it made me give up a potential amazing opportunity without even trying. I was going to apply for funding for my thesis but I'm too depressed to bother and my advisor told me it's not worth it to push myself for something I'm probably not going to be proud of.
But now regardless I'm not going to be proud of the finished product. Because my mental illness won. Again. I gave up. Again. It always wins.

I hate being functionally mentally ill because...
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Old

And it's all gone terrible (TW - Depression, self harm, grieving)

Posted March 7th 2019 at 04:36 AM by Wheek! (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I've been overwhelmed for weeks. It seems like my workload is only increasing and I don't have any time to sit and just relax anymore. Individual projects, group projects, other classwork, exams, committees, organizations. You name it, I'm in it. I don't really socialize anymore either.

I'm getting really run down and overloaded and overwhelmed and depressed. I haven't been to the gym in like two or three weeks and I've been eating like shit and have gained tons of weight. I've been...
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Old

I can finally see the light.

Posted December 2nd 2018 at 12:34 AM by Wheek! (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

This was a tough semester. I struggled a lot more than I thought I would. Between classes, stress, being sick literally almost the entire semester, having a self harm relapse, and crying in one of my favorite professor's office a few times, I was ready to give up on everything.

But, this semester is almost over. Two of my classes are completely done with and I have As in both of those. I'm getting a B in one class and while that's tough for me, I'm slowly accepting it.

...
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Old

I wanna die (TW: suicide)

Posted October 6th 2018 at 04:10 AM by Wheek! (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

Iím not okay in a different way than normal. The depression is hitting me in ways it never has before.

It hurts so bad

Iím closer to killing myself than i ever have been before.

I want to do damage.

But i wonít. Iíll jusg go on and smile and pretend everything is great while secretly hoping I drop dead tomorrow.

l o l
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Old

An update on my father II/Other life stuff

Posted June 19th 2018 at 03:32 AM by Wheek! (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

These blogs will probably get more infrequent, as it's starting to slow down a bit.

I'm not sure what exactly happened today. I woke up this morning and my breathing felt weird, but it's also very hot out so I figured it could be asthma. My chest is itchy from a rash I have, maybe from the heat, so I turned on my phone camera to look at it and.. My face just didn't feel right? It just felt like that shouldn't be my face. The features weren't right? The forehead was wrong and the chin...
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Old

An update on my father

Posted June 18th 2018 at 02:54 AM by Wheek! (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I don't think this is triggering but if anyone is triggered by medical related things, this will be talking about some! Also a mention of food/weight related issues pertaining to myself, but no numbers!

I checked my mom's phone last night to make sure she didn't miss any calls from the hospital since her hearing isn't the greatest. My dad had texted her around 8:30 PM, joking that he's eating ice chips with no salt (since salt and heart issues are bad). I thought, "LOL, asshole,"...
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