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Past and Present (Triggering)
Posted May 24th 2013 at 10:27 AM by Ennui.
Tags art, collage, depression, self harm, self mutilation, suicide
Was doing some thinking yesterday in the shower, because don't a lot of people think in the shower?
I remembered the night I got promoted from 8th grade, basically a graduation but the school didn't call it that because it's only from middle school, not for high school. My family came. Originally, many of them weren't supposed to because we were only allowed a certain amount of tickets, but the person who handled the tickets knew me and liked me so we got more. I wore a dress and we did a flash dance and I took a picture with the principal, all that fun jazz. And we decided to go out for dinner after, my parents, sister, and brother in law. And my God, eating with a white dress on is scary.
But after that, my sister and brother in law asked if I wanted to go swimming with them at my aunt's pool so I said yeah and we went home and got changed, etc. But, it was so...weird. I was feeling so low. It was this immense pressure weighing down on me and a sad I knew I shouldn't feel. And all the way driving to my aunt's I thought about what it would be like to just drown myself. To let go in the cold water and just die. And when we got to my aunt's house I held myself underwater until my ears hurt or my lugs ached, not to kill myself per se but just to see in the darkness and coldness of the pool and tell myself that this is what it would be like to drown.
And no, this dream isn't saying that I'm planning to drown myself this summer. Or commit any type of suicide, I'm not going to do that either. I just remember random things and random times and this came to mind.
Doing a project in art class.We have to make a collage on a teen issue. I chose self harm, told her that yesterday and she told me about a friend's daughter who was so severely bulimic she couldn't go to school, and she cut herself really bad. But she used the term "self mutilation" somewhere in there. I told her straight up I don't like calling it that and my friend next to me gave a small laugh, knowing exactly why.
I hate that term. Hate it. Sounds like something that would come straight out of a horror movie to describe how some killer clown operated. Mutilate. God, I'd accept nearly any word besides that one and maybe "emo." I'm not emo either.
I may include a poem of mine in the college if I find/write one good enough.
Don't know, just my thought of the day. Not really particularly in a bad mood, just a hot one.
I remembered the night I got promoted from 8th grade, basically a graduation but the school didn't call it that because it's only from middle school, not for high school. My family came. Originally, many of them weren't supposed to because we were only allowed a certain amount of tickets, but the person who handled the tickets knew me and liked me so we got more. I wore a dress and we did a flash dance and I took a picture with the principal, all that fun jazz. And we decided to go out for dinner after, my parents, sister, and brother in law. And my God, eating with a white dress on is scary.
But after that, my sister and brother in law asked if I wanted to go swimming with them at my aunt's pool so I said yeah and we went home and got changed, etc. But, it was so...weird. I was feeling so low. It was this immense pressure weighing down on me and a sad I knew I shouldn't feel. And all the way driving to my aunt's I thought about what it would be like to just drown myself. To let go in the cold water and just die. And when we got to my aunt's house I held myself underwater until my ears hurt or my lugs ached, not to kill myself per se but just to see in the darkness and coldness of the pool and tell myself that this is what it would be like to drown.
And no, this dream isn't saying that I'm planning to drown myself this summer. Or commit any type of suicide, I'm not going to do that either. I just remember random things and random times and this came to mind.
Doing a project in art class.We have to make a collage on a teen issue. I chose self harm, told her that yesterday and she told me about a friend's daughter who was so severely bulimic she couldn't go to school, and she cut herself really bad. But she used the term "self mutilation" somewhere in there. I told her straight up I don't like calling it that and my friend next to me gave a small laugh, knowing exactly why.
I hate that term. Hate it. Sounds like something that would come straight out of a horror movie to describe how some killer clown operated. Mutilate. God, I'd accept nearly any word besides that one and maybe "emo." I'm not emo either.
I may include a poem of mine in the college if I find/write one good enough.
Don't know, just my thought of the day. Not really particularly in a bad mood, just a hot one.
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