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Thoughts. (triggering)

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Posted July 6th 2013 at 01:58 AM by Ennui.

Tags apologize, depression, self harm, suicide

I have come to the realization that if I don't go inpatient I probably will try to kill myself and that is the scariest thing ever. I found myself counting my pills last night. My mind telling me to just take them. And then this morning it was the same thing, to just take them. Those thoughts won't stop.

Part of me just wants to try to kill myself rather than go inpatient because I don't want to hear my parents but part of me feels screwed if I don't die because I'll have to hear my parents.

Resisted the urge to self harm though. Stayed up until like five in the morning doing it though and again the thought won't stop.

Keep on getting so sad out of nowhere, this pressure in my heart and I don't know how to get rid of it.

It's not like I don't have reasons to live. I have plenty.

I'm sorry I don't see myself as successful or having a future for myself or anything happy. I'm sorry that I see myself failing in everything I do. I'm sorry that I'm not skinny enough. I'm sorry that I'm not pretty enough. I'm sorry that I'm not good enough and never will be. I'm sorry that I'm not a good role model. Whether I kill myself or go inpatient I'll never be that good role model. I'm sorry that you'll all have to see my scars when I go swimming. I'm sorry that I feel upset you never called me back. I do trust you though. I'm sorry that I'm scared to tell you. I'm sorry that I know my parents will react badly. I'm sorry that I'm scared to even see you over the summer. I'm sorry that I don't care enough. I'm sorry that I care too much. I'm sorry that I'm overly emotional. I'm sorry that I don't know what I want anymore. I'm sorry that I'm so confused. I'm sorry that I'm burnt out. I keep taking too much on and still take more on and have no room anymore. I'm sorry that I am a liar. I'm not sorry I still cut. I'm sorry I'm jealous of others. I'm sorry I'm jealous of how deep others can go. I'm sorry that I can't come to you. I'm sorry that I'd rather suffer in silence.

I'm not the great person you say I am and I don't get why everyone is so proud of me and says I'll do such great things and I'm the good child and everything else because it's not true, none of it's true.

I'm sorry that your coughs make me want to squirm and sometimes even just looking at you even though I care about you.

I'm sorry for all the things I pretend to feel and do and be.

I'm sorry that I'm still trying to convince myself this is all fake even though it clearly is real.

I'm sorry that I don't feel like I'll get better.

I wonder why I'm even like this. I have no reason to be fucked up yet look how fucked up I am.

I'm screaming out for help yet want nobody to know. I'm ashamed of myself and am embarrassed of myself.

I am a pushover. I am a nobody. I feel alone when in a crowded room of strangers because I'm too damn scared to get to know people.

I can'.t

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Comments

Hey there Dezi,

I still think going to inpatient is a good idea. I know we've talked about this a few times. I know you're concerned about how it'll go over but as we talked about, talk it out with her and explain your concerns about going, etc. She should help you work all that out to make things go as smooth as possible. Going back to when all this really opened up, I remember how worried you were about how it would be taken, did it go as bad as you thought? No, and I feel the same will be here as well.

You're a great person Dez, you really are. I'm glad that I have met you as I'm sure many others will say the same thing. Those that can't see how great you are, don't know you and are missing out on knowing such a great person and seeing all the good in you. Nobody is perfect, nobody should try to be perfect. Just be yourself.

Alot of your struggles I've been or are going through on a daily basis so I totally understand you, we can work through this together, and no matter what it takes we will come out victorious!

As we've talked about before you really need to start focusing on yourself and not be so concerned about other people. It's great that you're there for people and such but you need Dezi time too and people who are your true friends should respect that and understand.

I think more or less I've covered it all, if you noticed I've missed anything PLEASE bring it to my attention and we'll go over it. Again you ARE a great person don't let any1 (including yourself :P ) tell you otherwise! :hug: <3

Posted July 6th 2013 at 02:26 AM by Thereishope Thereishope is offline

Hey lovely,
Sorry you are going through such a hard time right now. If things are this hard, it might be a good idea to go to inpatient. I know it seems scary but i'm sure it will help loads in the long run.
I really hope you stay safe, i know its hard not to listen to the thoughts, but keep trying. I know you can get through this. You're an amazing and beautiful person. Who i'm super glad i met, and is my friend.

You can do this, i'm here if you need me. <3

Posted July 6th 2013 at 02:54 AM by Lumos. Lumos. is offline

	nothing useful to say but comments anyway
	Posted July 6th 2013 at 04:12 AM by i_like_black

The fact that you can recognise you need help and the fact that you feel killing yourself is the scariest thing ever really proves to me that you can get through this. I really think counselling would help you. Do you see a therapist at all? I can't remember if you do or not. The good thing about today, well in England anyway, is that in-patient is used as a very last resort so before a person becomes very severely mentally unwell, there is so much support that can be put in place in the community (even to have support every day of the week - and sometimes that involves day ward, support workers, therapy, your doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker, occupational therapist and crisis intervention teams). Its said that recovery is better for one whom can do so in their home environment so maybe you need to think about getting out-patient support etc to help you through all of this. And lovely, getting the help you need is never a bad thing, okay?

If you want to talk to me about any of it, then I'm always here for you, keep fighting. You're doing better than you think and there's always hope at the end of the tunnel <3

Posted July 6th 2013 at 10:32 AM by Palmolive Palmolive is offline

	Dezmaid, you have nothing to apologise for. There's no way I can top all of the wonderful comments above, but just know that I'm here for you, I'm worried about you, and I care about you. You are one of my closest friends and you are an amazing person, and I want you to do whatever it takes to keep yourself safe, okay? <3
	Posted July 7th 2013 at 01:10 PM by Storyteller.

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