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Wondering (Trig)
Posted April 12th 2015 at 04:38 AM by Ennui.
The other day my mom and I were having a conversation. It started off with me talking about LGBT+ issues and how they may sometimes self harm or attempt suicide. She connected it to someone at the elementary school she works at and said that she wishes I could come in and talk to this girl about it. A fourth grader that cuts. My mom told the vice principal and she sent her to the nurse to get everything cleaned. But I guess some of the students were telling my mom that she has them color on her arms so she can get cancer and join her brother that passed. I was just like "Oh my god." This is fourth grade. I asked her if she mentioned that comment and I don't really think she did. So I told her to please please please talk to the guidance counselor. Her response was basically like, "I don't know how true what the kids told me is" and I said "Doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. The fact that she mentioned wanting to join her brother makes me think she is feeling suicidal. Even if she's not acting on it right now, she may progress. Please report it." She said she would on Monday. I really really hope she does, and I might remind her before I go back to school.
But the point of me mentioning this story is that during the conversation she asked me, "Do you still do that?" Do I still cut. She didn't ask me in an accusing way, a disgusted way, or a rude way. She simply just asked. I said no, but I couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if I said that yes, I still do cut sometimes. Would she have screamed at me? Helped me?
Why didn't she ever take my mental health seriously? I'm doing this all alone because I've never been validated by her. I've never felt as if she was any concerned and always just called me attention seeker. I'm doing this on my own. Why couldn't she care about me? It would be so much easier if I could tell her I'm on meds. It'd be so much easier if I wouldn't have to worry about how I'm going to get to my APRN appointments over the summer or how I'm going to go about getting my pills without her knowing.
Even after all the queer talk I've had lately, she doesn't know I'm not straight either. What would she do if I knew? When I'm out with friends or at school, I have SOO much pride and love being in the queer community and have so much acceptance for myself, but when I am at home I have to pretend to be someone I am not.
I am first aid certified now, but what if I ever have to use it? Will I freeze up? Will I forget what I need to do? Will I do a bad job?
I had a lot of anxiety when I first started out today and almost just wanted to say "Well, never mind, I don't want to do this anymore," but I pushed through. I'm sick of feeling so anxious though, I really am sick of this feeling.
Semester is almost over. Freshman year almost over. I really need it to be over faster. Stress stress. According to the tentative final exam schedule, I am done on May 7th. Nervous about my final grades. Need for it to be over.
Will I be successful the next few years in college? Will I get into grad school? Will I get a good job?
Too much wondering.
But the point of me mentioning this story is that during the conversation she asked me, "Do you still do that?" Do I still cut. She didn't ask me in an accusing way, a disgusted way, or a rude way. She simply just asked. I said no, but I couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if I said that yes, I still do cut sometimes. Would she have screamed at me? Helped me?
Why didn't she ever take my mental health seriously? I'm doing this all alone because I've never been validated by her. I've never felt as if she was any concerned and always just called me attention seeker. I'm doing this on my own. Why couldn't she care about me? It would be so much easier if I could tell her I'm on meds. It'd be so much easier if I wouldn't have to worry about how I'm going to get to my APRN appointments over the summer or how I'm going to go about getting my pills without her knowing.
Even after all the queer talk I've had lately, she doesn't know I'm not straight either. What would she do if I knew? When I'm out with friends or at school, I have SOO much pride and love being in the queer community and have so much acceptance for myself, but when I am at home I have to pretend to be someone I am not.
I am first aid certified now, but what if I ever have to use it? Will I freeze up? Will I forget what I need to do? Will I do a bad job?
I had a lot of anxiety when I first started out today and almost just wanted to say "Well, never mind, I don't want to do this anymore," but I pushed through. I'm sick of feeling so anxious though, I really am sick of this feeling.
Semester is almost over. Freshman year almost over. I really need it to be over faster. Stress stress. According to the tentative final exam schedule, I am done on May 7th. Nervous about my final grades. Need for it to be over.
Will I be successful the next few years in college? Will I get into grad school? Will I get a good job?
Too much wondering.
Total Comments 3
Comments
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You're super caring, Dez. The age for cutting is getting younger and younger. So are mental health issues. I think for her to have a 4th grader in her class be cutting is a wake up call and it made her think of you, her daughter. She can't say the kid is attention seeking, it is her professional responsibility to speak to a higher up. I think she is starting to see things a little differently now. Hopefully in time she will.Posted April 12th 2015 at 02:56 PM by Not_here
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Your mom might be more receptive to talking about it now that she has had the experience at school. I really hope that they get the support they need soon. I also hope things go well whenever you decide to talk to your mom.
I'm sure whenever you have to use your first aid knowledge things will go fine. Sure you might be slightly nervous at first but I think it's normal to feel that way. Just remember to take a deep breath and know you got dis. :) Hopefully it's a long time before you need to use it, unless it's part of your work protocol, but either way I feel you'll be just fine! Just like I feel confident you'll get through school just fine and find a great job. :)Posted April 12th 2015 at 06:30 PM by Thereishope
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A fourth grader self-harming! D: Wow, but Susie is right... the age for things (not just SH) is getting younger and younger. When you were in the fourth grade, children didn't SH until they were just about to begin puberty. When I was in the fourth grade, it was mostly unspoken about and taboo, but I'd say average age in the 90s was around 13 or 14 for teenagers SH. The strange thing is, it seems like the suicide rate was much higher in 1995 than in 2015, but circumstances now are different then. *)
Anyways, I hope she gets the help she needs, and your mum needs to speak to the counselor at that school if there is any. She's probably going through a rough time at home, and definitely suggest that idea to your mum. But don't plant any theories, but have her speculate on reasons and have her bring that up to the counselor when she speaks to them.
You can pull through this, Dezie. You've come so far in the time I've known you, don't relapse or back away now, keep fighting for your dreams. Your mum may not have warmed up to the idea of you being LGBT+ yet, but keep educating her on it. She seems like she isn't homophobic, but she probably has this image of you, all mums do of their children.
She's probably invisioning you when you're 26, successful with a Master's Degree and engaged to a guy, who also graduated from uni and is successful. Our dreams change as we grow up and become adults, but our parents always have the same image of us from the moment they first hold us in their arms.
:hug:Posted April 12th 2015 at 10:50 PM by
