My prescriber says she doesn't think I'm suicidal but instead thinks that I "just want the shit to stop." That's even though I have a plan in my head, because I don't have intent. But some days I feel close to it again, because I really have that plan in my head and worry that I am going to use the things I did last time and try again. She also doesn't believe I'm suicidal because I pretty much got help right after the attempt last time, because I was like "oh crap." She thinks...

I had my meeting today to try and get on disability and basically I make too much money right now to even qualify for disability. They immediately told me that my denial letter will be coming in the mail. The point of going on disability would have been so I can leave my job so I can have income without wanting to have a breakdown every time I go to work. I mean, I tried to kill myself and a lot of it was triggered by work. But I make too much money to be disabled. It'd almost be easier to quit...

I am more stable now than when I was in the hospital which is good, but I still feel sad and anxious a lot of the time. My prescriber mentioned the words "treatment resistant" to me and sometimes I worry that that's the case. I have been in therapy off and on since the 8th grade and have been on medication for around 6 or 7 years and am still miserable a lot of the time.

I have a post up about work and the possibility of applying for disability. Even if I do end up applying...

I was in the hospital starting on the 12th after a suicide attempt. I had felt hopeless and impulsive and wanted it to stop. I never thought I would actually go through with an attempt but I guess life's full of surprises. I ended up Ubering to the hospital and luckily I got there before getting pretty sick. I was already starting to feel it before getting in the Uber so I got lucky. In the ER I was taken right back and they talked to me but I don't remember the conversation.
I had to wait...

After April 30, I will likely be losing Medicaid due to an increase in oncome and will have to find some other insurance through our marketplace.

Looking at them, it seems like all of them are way out of my price range and wouldn't be something worth getting anyway! Some of the deductibles are in the absolute THOUSANDS, and most of them don't cover all of my providers so I'd have to either pay out of pocket or stop seeing them entirely.

You'd think an increase in income...

I am going full time on March 7th. That's when I go to HR to fill out the paperwork.

I am worried about working 7-8 hours a day, but I think I'll be able to do it. However, contact tracing is slowing down right now so I am not sure how I will GET 7-8 hours a day. I will be taking their insurance, so I need to make sure I get all of the hours I can so I can actually PAY for that insurance. If I get fewer hours than what I was guaranteed, all my paycheck will go to insurance and I will...

Today was my last day of IOP, and that went well. At the end we get a certificate of completion and also a coin, and I liked that. I was pretty proud of myself.

I was scheduled to start an individual group on Wednesday but now I was told that the location I go is no longer allowing people who see outside therapists/get their meds outside from the facility to go to their outpatient groups. They've never had that rule before. My clinician just found out yesterday.

I couldn't...

I am moving down to doing IOP 3 days per week next week, which also means I'll be done with the program and back to just outpatient very soon. I'd be doing a group therapy session once per week and seeing my regular therapist again. I'm scared that I'm not actually ready to leave group and the comfort it brings. But, I think I've made progress too.

It also means I'm that much closer to going full time in March. I'm scared. I want to prove to myself that I can do it but what if I can't?...

I told my mom I go to therapy daily and have bipolar. She was cool with the therapy part I think but when it came to the bipolar she said I’m a hypochondriac and it’s bullshit.

She also then texted me and said she read that bipolar is caused by your period. What?? I didn’t have the energy to correct her.

I numbed myself immediately but still ended up cutting. I hope that isn’t enough to give me a grippy sock vacation. I don’t cut often.

I still feel...

I took my driving test today and failed right off the bat. It's not that I don't know how to drive. I did fine when it was me and the instructor. But as soon as the person administering the test comes, I freeze up and panic hardcore so I make a lot of stupid mistakes I wouldn't have otherwise.

I had a major panic attack in the parking lot of the DMV and the poor driving school instructor who I went with had to deal with me hyperventilating and sniffling.
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