I told my mom I go to therapy daily and have bipolar. She was cool with the therapy part I think but when it came to the bipolar she said I’m a hypochondriac and it’s bullshit.

She also then texted me and said she read that bipolar is caused by your period. What?? I didn’t have the energy to correct her.

I numbed myself immediately but still ended up cutting. I hope that isn’t enough to give me a grippy sock vacation. I don’t cut often.

I still feel...

I took my driving test today and failed right off the bat. It's not that I don't know how to drive. I did fine when it was me and the instructor. But as soon as the person administering the test comes, I freeze up and panic hardcore so I make a lot of stupid mistakes I wouldn't have otherwise.

I had a major panic attack in the parking lot of the DMV and the poor driving school instructor who I went with had to deal with me hyperventilating and sniffling.
...

I hallucinated a tarantula yesterday. I saw it crawling on my ceiling and then down my wall. I also hear my phone ringing all the time when it's not, to the point I stop and listen for it.

Work has been a very big source of my anxiety lately. I've been having to take Ativan to go to work and it's not actually doing a lot to help with the anxiety. I'm making stupid mistakes and it's just not a good time for me.

I have self-harmed again as well. I want to do it again...

I wonder what would have happened if I did go to the hospital the other day. I think I should have.

I wonder if I still should, although I'm doing better than I was. Like, what "qualifies" someone for the hospital? I'm not going to go, though.

I still have to take Ativan before work and get the urge to self harm. I'm still feeling impulsive and want to buy new tools. My friend changed my Amazon password for me so I can't go on it and buy tools.
The...

Never before have I scared a therapist so much that she doesn't want me to have access to my own medication. She wants me to get a safe and give my mom the key, but I am not going to do that. Never before have I ever had a therapist call me sounding panicked because with the email I sent she was worried and wanted to talk to me to make sure I didn't have any intent to harm myself. Never before have I needed daily check ins. I guess there's a fist time for everything.

I don't have...

My prescriber and I were having a conversation the other day.

She said something that's staying with me. She doesn't think there will be a time where I'll meet with her and say "I feel great!" I tend to get overwhelmed with emotions, any type of emotion, and go off the deep end quickly. We decided we are satisfied when I feel numb. Numb isn't impulsive. Numb isn't too depressed to function or doing something stupid while hypomanic.

But her not thinking that...

I've been having ear issues again for a while lately so I visited an ENT today. She said that as far as the ears, there are a few things that could be going on. One possible thing that could be an issue is my braces. They are realigning and shifting everything and sometimes that can cause pain in the ears, combined with tooth grinding. I also had wax and a hair in my ear, LOL. She wanted to clean it out today, but I absolutely panicked and couldn't do it. After growing up with ear issues, having...

My medication prescriber wanted me to get more intensive care and suggested IOP because it’s intensive and also involves group therapy so I can get feedback and connect with people. I had the intake today.

They didn’t inform me of the fact I’ll have to take a drug test today and that I’ll have to randomly take them to get treatment. I am not even here for the substance use side of things and am kind of angry because although it’s a reasonable request I get very pee shy and if they’re...

I've been seeing a lot of doctors lately for a lot of different things, and none of them are really giving me any answers. It started last fall and has been a nonstop issue ever since.

Some of my providers have been concerned about my tachycardia, or too fast heart rate. I saw a cardiologist who had me on a monitor and said it's all anxiety, so I'm on a new medication that lowers the heart rate and also can have added benefits of helping me with my anxiety and helping prevent some...

My mental illness won. Again. Again it made me give up a potential amazing opportunity without even trying. I was going to apply for funding for my thesis but I'm too depressed to bother and my advisor told me it's not worth it to push myself for something I'm probably not going to be proud of.
But now regardless I'm not going to be proud of the finished product. Because my mental illness won. Again. I gave up. Again. It always wins.

I hate being functionally mentally ill because...