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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
gymnastxxLeah Offline
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getting hard to cope ... - April 23rd 2012, 11:16 PM

i lost someone to suicide. he was my best friend. i loved him. i was IN love with him. i never got a chance to tell him how i felt about him... but i loved him. he was going through some rough stuff... and he took his life. i wish he would've failed. but he didnt. i wish it would've been me, not him. but it wasnt. hes gone. i'll always be in love with him, but never have the chance to tell him...

tomorrow, it will have been exactly a year, and i'm just finding it really hard to deal with. so much has happened in the year. my ED has escelated to an all time worst, but now i am recovering on my own, and i know relapse will probably happen, but i'm taking it by day. i thought i was in love with my boyfriend. but he cheated on me. now he's my ex. i've helped a friend through self-harm, while mines only gotten worse. gosh... so muh has happened in the year. i just wish he could've been there through it with me. i really want him back. and lately i've been starting to wish that... that i was dead. that he was still alive an i had just killed myself. and i know this is not okay, which is why i'm posting this. i think i may have gotten just a bit depressed from everythig . all rooting from his suicide.

i guess i just need support ... because i'm finding this really hard to go through .


I wanna fly. So I do gymnastics instead.

I'll just keep holding on to what i believe and oh I believe in you. Give me the strength for the fight and the heart to believe cause I've got to believe in you. I feel so alive.

PeacewithImperfection
   
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Re: getting hard to cope ... - April 24th 2012, 12:48 AM

Wow..Its really understandable how its been hard for you. It wasn't that long ago that it happened. Of course you're gonna be hurting pretty bad. I don't know if it would be best for you to go to school tomorrow or not. I have a friend who lost her best friend and she is histerical every year on his anniversary. Its very, very terrible and I cant really tell you that it gets better. The pain never goes away. But you do come to accept that they are gone. You just gotta keep in mind that now, he's okay. He isn't hurting anymore. He's happy and well. And I KNOW he knows you love him. Maybe you didn't tell him before he passed, but he knows. And he will always and forever love you. Death is just a word, it doesn't end relationships between people. Those relationships last forever. I'm always here if you need to talk.


   
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Re: getting hard to cope ... - April 24th 2012, 12:49 AM

Im sorry to hear about your friend. Just know its not your fault you tried everything you could possible do. You were there forr your friend and Im sure you helped him a lot. He probably had a lot of pain that you couldnt do any thing about. His promblems probaly were very deep rooted. He needed professional help.

Feeling depressed is okay to feel when you have been through such a hard losss. It will take time maybe months a year to feel completly better. You need to let your self grieve in a healthy way like crying. Also writing a letter to your friend that passed can help you heal. Please dont self harm your friend would not want that he would want you to go on living. Self harm is not going to bring your friend back so self harm is pointless. Instead of self harming just cry, scream in a pillow or tear paper up.


Starving your self or throwing up is not going to help either. Maybe try eatting at least one meal a day start out small then go bigger. Then two meals a day. Try to keep the food in you. After you eat the food distract your self watch tv, call a friend or get on here and just chat with people.

If you have a therapist I would talk about the loss with them too as well as your eating disorder. Your friend would want you to keep living. Im so sorry again and I hope you feel better.
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Re: getting hard to cope ... - April 24th 2012, 01:03 AM

i just feel like ... i could've stopped it. like i didnt do enough. like maybe if i'd done more or told him he'd find a way to stick around.

to clarify: i started self-harming in fifth grade. its just gotten worse since his death.
and my eating disorder started before he killed himself. i'm working hard on trying to stop it, and am making slow progress.

i don't have a therapist, or anyone to talk to really. normally i'd talk to him about these kind of things. but ever since i lost him i've just kept things to myself. its so hard to deal with. lately its been hard to sleep... hard to concentrate. hard to do basic things. i'm basically lifeless... i go through all these motions, but my brain doesn't really ... think . i wake up at the same time. eat the same 3/4 cup of cereal. pack the same lunch. leave for school. etc. do everything the same ... over and over. like a mindless .... neverending maze . just ... nothing . absolutely nothing . i'm not living. i'm just ... i dont know i sound crazy.

i would do anything to go back to that night and just ... stop him. i would give up my whole life for him to be alive and well and happy again.


I wanna fly. So I do gymnastics instead.

I'll just keep holding on to what i believe and oh I believe in you. Give me the strength for the fight and the heart to believe cause I've got to believe in you. I feel so alive.

PeacewithImperfection
   
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Re: getting hard to cope ... - April 24th 2012, 01:13 AM

No you did everything you could. His promblems were deep rooted most likely. You did everything you could dont blame yourself.

Your friend would not want you to self harm. Instead of self harming you could draw with red pen on your arm, put ice cube on your arm, punch a pillow, scream in a pillow, jump on your bed, cry, tear up paper, stomp or come on here and just talk about how your feeling instead of self harming.

If you have a eatting disorder thats serious you should find a therapist to help you with this and this loss. You could start by google therapist in your area. Then telling your parents you really need help dealing with your friends death. Then make a appointment. Like I said above the depression, not sleeping well, not eatting well is all part of grieving its not going to go away like that its going to take time. I understand the maze feeling. But sometimes that just how I decided to cope is just do the same thing over and over to keep myself busy. You always have the choice to get out of the maze feeling do something diffrent eat something diffrent whatever it is.
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gymnastxxLeah Offline
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Re: getting hard to cope ... - April 24th 2012, 01:31 AM

i know i can get help . i'm scared to . i'm scared that if i change what i'm doing ... someone else might leave . i'm so consious of everything i do ... i dont want someone else to leave me. so i stay in this ... trap. try not to disrupt anythig ... kinda like when a lady bug lands on your shoulder, and you hold your breath so you don't scare it away. i dont know ... its complicated i guess.

i dont know how to deal with the anniversary. i've been in tears almost all day today, and its the day before. i'm terrified . i don't want to relapse. an on the other hand i'm terrified that i wont feel any different . the same old routine... it'll make me self harm ... i dont want this .


I wanna fly. So I do gymnastics instead.

I'll just keep holding on to what i believe and oh I believe in you. Give me the strength for the fight and the heart to believe cause I've got to believe in you. I feel so alive.

PeacewithImperfection
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
gymnastxxLeah Offline
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Re: getting hard to cope ... - April 24th 2012, 01:40 AM

i know i can get help . i'm scared to . i'm scared that if i change what i'm doing ... someone else might leave . i'm so consious of everything i do ... i dont want someone else to leave me. so i stay in this ... trap. try not to disrupt anythig ... kinda like when a lady bug lands on your shoulder, and you hold your breath so you don't scare it away. i dont know ... its complicated i guess.

i dont know how to deal with the anniversary. i've been in tears almost all day today, and its the day before. i'm terrified . i don't want to relapse. an on the other hand i'm terrified that i wont feel any different . the same old routine... it'll make me self harm ... i dont want this .


I wanna fly. So I do gymnastics instead.

I'll just keep holding on to what i believe and oh I believe in you. Give me the strength for the fight and the heart to believe cause I've got to believe in you. I feel so alive.

PeacewithImperfection
   
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Re: getting hard to cope ... - April 24th 2012, 05:00 AM

Babe, I know its hard but there truly was nothing that could have been done..It was his time. You did everything you could for him. Everything else was out of your hands. don't feel responsible for his death. You weren't at fault. Nobody was. Im glad that you know you can get help, but I do think you need to make that step toward getting help. Getting help especially after such a trauma is a necessity. Nobody should have to feel that this is their own thing to bear with no help. Thats too much for any person. If people leave (im guessing you mean they wont be your friend), let them. Its their loss. You can't control what others think. They shouldn't leave, they should support you. there's nothing wrong with you. You are a wonderful person who loved your friend a lot. If your mom is a good person to tell, I think you should tell her tonight or tomorrow that you are doing very bad. Whenever im not doing good, its also good to stay around people or talk to someone. It helps. I promise im around for you whenever you need it.


   
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