Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Falling Apart.

[George^^]

I feel like everything is completely falling apart. I just try really hard to make sure that I do things that make people proud and it's starting to run me down. I've recently been thinking about suicide despite the fact that I push it away and try to forget about it. But it doesn't work. Every little thing just makes me want to run off and cry.

Recently my mom has been all over how my life is "so easy" (Which it is not. I'm a loser with about 3 friends who barely have time for me, I have to face people who have emotionally hurt me every day at school, I have to live with the fact that some people will never accept me, that my family could hate me because I am not "normal", I have to live with the thoughts of losing all of my family just to be me), and about things that are apparently my fault, like the fact that she has old clothing, or the internet isn't fast. Those aren't all my fault, it's not my fault that we don't make a lot of money, it's not my fault that internet here is all screwy, it's not my fault that my brother wanted to do something so she couldn't go to work today despite it being a fucking saturday. It's.not.my.fault. and yet she keeps making it my fault. Everything is always "my fault". When she makes it that way I can't do anything without making her more mad or making her tell me to stop crying and when she does that to me I just want to die.

I feel like I have no one to turn to, not my friends who probably don't even care, not a councillor because the school one is friends with family friends and knows my mom, not someone from mental health because I can never keep them long enough to get fucking helped, and not my family because I can't talk to them about anything yet without feeling like a gigantic disappointment.

[shebby]

Well, first of all, you're not a disappointment. You may feel like it, but you're not. If you were to ever actually follow through with suicide, your mom would be devastated, I promise you that. I'm the same way with professionals too, I don't trust them and I feel like they just never help and can't, so I never stick with them. But I do know that you need to find someone, anyone to talk to. Whoever you feel comfortable with. Try talking to your friends, and if they don't care or don't take you seriously, they're not your real friends.
I only have one real friend too, other than my boyfriend, and I'm totally fine with that. It doesn't make me a loser, nor does it make you a loser for not having many friends. Some people are just jackass's.
I'm here if you need to vent or anything.

[George^^]

Thanks. It's just... yea. It's not that I distrust professionals, I've liked the last two people I have had, it's just that mental health here sucks. I had to talk to a nurse who refused me to a man who gave me to a woman to see for a total of five sessions who told me that she'd email me this september about starting up again which never happened, and then my doctor got me to go again but 1) the front desk people are(/were) over worked with two different departments in one building, and didn't know I had an appointment or that I even went, and 2) The next day despite having set up an appointment the next week, I got told that I "never went" and that my therapist was no longer with them.

It's not that they don't care, it's just one never seems to be around when I need them and lives far away, another one never helps but expects me to help them, and the third I don't want to bother because I already have so much.

Thanks Shelby... (slightly feeling better, mostly because your right about my mom and the fact that I've probably cried enough tears to fill a large bowl.)

[shebby]

Ah, I see. That's unfortunate. I've always had troubles talking to them, but I'm glad to hear that you don't. If you can find at least one person to talk to when they're not available, then I'm sure it'll be a huge help.
Best of luck to you.