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Unhappy A jumble of emotions. - July 15th 2012, 12:29 AM

Really, I don't know where to start.

It's amazing how one day you can wake up and realize how truly alone you really are. I don't know what happened, when I was younger, I use to have a bunch of friends. Everyone loved me, and I loved everyone. I was about as popular as someone in grade 2 could be. Hah. But then from grade 5 and up, things just started going downhill. I closed myself off more and more, becoming more of an introvert and just started hating everyone. And then after my dad died, things just started decreasing at a more rapid pace. And now here I am, just graduated high school, and I have no one. Barely even have my mom, now that she just spends more and more time with her boyfriend. And really, I don't blame her. I'm nearly 18, I don't need my mother here 24/7. It's just nice to know there's someone around, someone I can always go to. And my mom and I have never really been that close. We have a good relationship, don't get me wrong. But I was always a "daddy's girl". He was my best friend, and after he died, my mom and I just became more distant, instead of getting closer. She has no idea that I feel depressed. I don't want to put that burden on her. Yeah, know how stupid that is.

I just long for any kind of relationship. I want.. need human contact. I hate feeling so alone and feeling like such a.. waste of space. I'm nearly 18, I should be out with friends, partying, going to be beach, whatever else normal teenagers do. But instead I'm sat in front of my computer all day everyday, not talking to anyone, not seeing anyone. Just alone. I'm terrible at keeping the friends that I do make. Always complaining and being so.. self-deprecating. No one wants to hang around someone like that. I don't even mean to do it either, it just comes out. And I'm pretty good at hiding my emotions, but being so alone.. it really hurts. I just don't know how to change it. I'm so incredibly shy, I can't just go up to someone and be all "Hey, let's be best friends." I just feel like.. maybe if I had at least one real friend, maybe I wouldn't feel so bad all the time. Maybe it would help. I don't know.. sorry if this didn't make any sense. Sorry for blurting out my whole life story. I just.. I don't know.

But thanks for reading if you've made it this far.
   
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Re: A jumble of emotions. - July 16th 2012, 07:00 AM

I am in the same boat as you, minus the death. You're not alone. I am so sorry for your loss & how it effected you. That is really rough )):
& I know how hard it is to put yourself out there and just strike up a conversation with strangers. It's scary. You just have to start with a bit of trust and push your self (: I know it sounds crazy... But if you're ever around people say at a job or at school, don't hesitate to say hello or smile at least, if you can(:
You can get through this, I believe in you. Things will take time and patience but if you try hard enough you can put things in place and meet new people, and make amazing friendships. It's funny how life can turn out if you just wait and see
I hope everything certainly gets better for you.
   
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