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Isibeal Offline
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Unhappy No where else to go. - July 25th 2012, 12:24 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I wasn't sure where the best place to post this would be, I have been having, as one could call it, an awakening to how I have lived my life. I'm depressed, lonely and confused on what I should do. All of this because a terrible memory has now reared it's ugly head back into my life. I do warn you that this is quite long and I am in need of advice.

I was molested as a child when I was 9 years old. I didn't know what had happened to me, I was fearful and scared so I hid it. At first I thought it didn't bother me until I hit middle school, I began having trouble socially making friends and I became very shy. By the time I hit high school, I had more friends online than at school. I had finally found my outlet to other people, I wasn't afraid of getting close.

By college I was alone. I moved away from home leaving me by myself half way across the country. At first things seemed ok and I was trying to make friends, meet new people, new connections. But I guess it's not the brightest idea to go to a religious school if you don't practice the same religion. Most of the friends I made attending lived off campus. The people who lived on campus were extremely closed minded, which to me was sad. But as it is, life hits you with a curve ball. I found out my boyfriend and my roommate were sleeping with each other. It devastated me. By this point it was the end of freshman year and I was frail and fell into a deep depression while quickly becoming addicted to online gaming, mainly WoW.

I would have to say this point in my life was both bright and dark. Dark because I was so entangled in the game, most days over summer break I played 12 - 14 hours a day at a time. The brightness comes from meeting someone who's been my best friend for the past 3 years, we'll call him Xan. We were pretty much inseparable on the game, always chatting and hanging out. He helped me trust people again because by that point I had lost faith in people.

Time passed, I continued to play with Xan until one day I realized I really liked him, a lot. But at the same time I had realized this I was dating again in real life, we'll call him Orion. I had to put my emotions aside, I was finally beginning to re-connect to people and starting to have a life. While doing so I continued to play the game, but my boyfriend Orion would get either annoyed or tease me for playing. So I finally quit. It was difficult, but I knew that I needed to do (so plus I had gotten to the point where I was ridiculously good it became boring). But, after quitting, Xan and my communication didn't stop. We kept in contact with one another for the past 2 years, he's has always been there to help and support me.

As for Orion and I, we're at a crossroads with our lives. He doesn't want to ever get married or have children, and having children has been a dream of mine for quite some time. This reality has been really hard on me, especially since we have been together for over 2 1/2 years, we have a great bond with one another and we share fun experiences together. But now I'm starting to realize that I don't love him as I used to, and it's breaking my heart. What's also confusing is that I feel that I've been in love with Xan this entire time. And honestly, if he didn't live so far away I could possibly see us dating and possibly being with one another.

I guess so far my life has been a train wreck, all started by an unfortunate incident in my life. I know I won't ever get that time back, and I know there's no restart to life. But, I have to ask, should I tell Xan how I feel? Should I tell Orion that I may leave him? I need help and I don't have anywhere else to go.
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Re: No where else to go. - July 25th 2012, 05:55 AM

As someone who has been through the type of abuse that you have mentioned above I can honestly say that I know what it feels like to not have the ability to trust anyone, especially guys. That being said I think you need to follow your heart, regardless if you've been together 2 and a half years or not, if you are at two different places in your lives and you don't want the same things be with the person who makes you happy. The one who makes you blush even talking on the phone with him, the one who you think about while you are lying in your bed at night, Follow your heart to the one you love.

"Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars."

"For those who don't care, for those who can't see, never give up, always thrive to be free."

Smile, you are beautiful www.operationbeautiful.com

Blessed Be!
Nicole AKA Nikki
Artist, Poet, and Future Social Worker
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Re: No where else to go. - July 29th 2012, 09:28 PM

Hey sassygurl, I read your advice and thought about things for a while. And well, a few things have happen since I last posted. I opened up to both guys and told them how I felt. And honestly, both reactions were not what I was expecting.

Orion and I are currently not dating and are taking a break to figure things out. I still feel for him, but now I'm starting to feel less stressed and more relaxed than I was when we were in a relationship. We're still good friends, and I hope that will continue but he still wants to be with me and I'm still not sure if that will be right for me in the end.

As for Xan, he was honest and somewhat flattered that I felt that way about him, but in the end his feelings for me were not the same. We're still great friends which is nice and I teased him a bit about changing his mind, but I honestly understand if he never will. He's still a great support to me in my life and I hope that he continues to do so. It's great to have a close friend like him.

Now I'm on my own trying to figure out what I really want for my future and simply life in general. My future is starting to look a little brighter already, hopefully all of this opening up to people will also help me deal with my depression.
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dating confusion, depression, lost, sad, suicide

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