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Tigereyes Offline
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How can I escape? - August 2nd 2012, 02:07 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

**Also possibly triggering on SH

Hey everyone. So I know I don't post here much, but I've been suffering from depression for around 5 years. A year or two before this, I had been taking skating lessons (I'm a figure skater) from a coach that began to abuse me. He abused all of his students, mostly emotionally but sometimes to the point where it was physical too. Well it got really bad from when I was around 11 years old until I was almost 14. After I finally quit working with him and found a new coach, things got a bit better for a few months. After that, things began to get worse for me again. Why? Because his abuse had been programmed into my mind as "normal". I guess I treated myself the same way he did. It wasn't until the end of 8th grade that I realized I had been depressed for a while (only realized it because of my best friend).

Well now, things have only continued to worsen for me. We have a huge financial problem for one, and my family has been yelling at me and blaming me for everything all the time. Lots of other things have been going wrong too, but I don't feel like listing them all-I don't think it'll help. I still see the abusive coach regularly and there's no way around that. It's really hard to deal with seeing him treat his other students the way I was once treated by him and not be able to do anything about it. I've reported him to the police and they "investigated it" but nothing happened. I guess it wasn't severe enough compared to other cases, and enough people would be too afraid not to take the coaches side anyway. And I've realized that whenever my parents yell at me and insult me, I feel like I am going back in time to when I was abused. My parents don't abuse me, but they do make some similar comments and when they're screaming at me like that, it triggers me. I also "abuse myself" if you want to put it that way because of the things I tell myself and what I do to myself (cutting) and although I've been trying to stop, it's very hard because I feel that I deserve it. That's what he taught me-that I deserve it. It's gotten so bad the past few weeks or so that the cutting has gotten more frequent, I've almost run away multiple times, and the other night I no longer felt that my life mattered. I wasn't going to kill myself, but I almost didn't care if I was alive. I don't know what that means. Maybe I don't want to know. I don't even know why I'm posting this, but if anyone has any advice on how to deal with this or get over the past and everything, it'd be greatly appreciated.


"Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful..." ~Sixx:A.M.
   
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Re: How can I escape? - August 4th 2012, 07:28 AM

Hey,
First off I'd like to say NO ONE DESERVES TO BE TREATED THAT WAY. I can't believe that your coach did that to you, I am so sorry that you had to put up with that, but don't let him win and think that you deserve to be abused, and don't continue the abuse and cut yourself. I have friends that cut and I know how hard it is to stop, but I know you can do it. As for your coach I know you said you went to the police and that people would be scared but I still think you should try and talk with the girls and get them to report him to their parents and the police as well. Someone like him should not be allowed to continue abusing young girls, it isn't right. As for your parents I think you should tell them all thats happened, it could end up helpling you more than you would have thought. It might also help to see a therapist, to talk about your depression and the cutting. I know you said you didn't want to kill yourself but sometimes people don't realize just how deep they cut. So please talk to your parents, Im positive they will support you in all of this. And you should be proud for coming on here and posting this,asking for help. That takes a lot of guts girly.
   
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Re: How can I escape? - August 11th 2012, 08:46 PM

Thanks for replying (just saw your response). It's definitely hard to think that I don't deserve it because for so long I've believed that I do. And trying to talk to the other skaters doesn't help. My mom just gets mad at me for getting involved and most of his current students are too young to understand what abuse is. I've tried to talk to people before but no one wants to believe the truth, so they don't. And I really don't think I can tell my parents anything more (they know that he abused me). My mom won't get it-that's already been proven to me and they have too much other stuff to deal with without worrying about me. Besides, my dad is usually at work and all my mom ever does now is yell at me and make me hate myself more. I've been trying to stop cutting and am doing better now, but it's still a challenge when things get really bad. I don't cut that deep either. And I'm unable to see a therapist even if I wanted to because there's no way we could afford one and my mom would want to know every little detail of my life.


"Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful..." ~Sixx:A.M.
   
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