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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
anon1695 Offline
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Post Feeling Isolated & Helpless - August 3rd 2012, 02:12 AM

There's a lot to get through here so I'm gonna try and get through it all quickly. If I do anything other than a list it'll get (even more) messy, so here goes(in chronological order a bit where possible):
  • I'm a 16 year old male.
  • When I was 12, I passed entrance exams to get into a good school.
  • My grandfather died and my grandmother's dementia began.
  • Due to the above, hormones and the sudden rise in difficulty in the work I was doing at school, I fell behind. A lot.
  • When my grandfather died, the house he lived in was sold. 50% went to my mother(and in turn myself), and the other 50% to my grandmother. At the time we didn't know my grandmother had dementia so we temporarily gave her our 50%. This is when the dementia really kicked in, meaning that frustratingly suddenly we couldn't access our money legally.
  • At the age of about 14 or 15 I quit going to school. The humiliation of being so far behind had become unbearable and the long ride to school with my asthma didn't help. A trip to court eventually followed that amounted to nothing other than stress and needless arguments between me and my mother. I did have to start home schooling though, which soon we were unable to any longer afford...
  • As my grandfather always dealt with the bills, my mother couldn't cope. We fell behind and picked up some debts. This was worsened by the home schooling thing.
  • We started receiving final demands so I set up barely affordable payment plans over the phone. This went on over the course of several months during which time we also had numerous other one-off bills relating to my health. Details for both the bills and my health at the bottom.
  • My mother suffers from depression and takes medication for it. The side effects are the equivalent of an extremely hateful drunk. I have to deal with this typically once or twice a week, and due to the lack of a lock on my door or anywhere to go, I have to sit up against my door listening to loud music through my headphones until she falls asleep. Sometimes this lasts hours. If I confront her, I get verbal abuse or I get threatened with a knife. It's happened before.
  • Whilst I do that, I also have to look after my dear cat. My other cat got lost when my mother mistakenly let her out at night a couple of years ago, and this cat is like my only friend at the moment. I protect him like a child at this point. We now also have a flea infestation that needs taking care of. (I'm aware the chronological thing didn't work here... keep going)
  • The boiler and therefore the oven, fridge, freezer, washing machine, hot water and heating don't work. This makes food more expensive and generally worse, it makes washing clothes and indeed myself unbearable in cold weather, and it makes my computer my only source of heat if it gets cold. The landlords said they'd fix the boiler but seem to have forgotten. Sadly due to the debts that remain they're in no rush.
  • I rarely see my Dad. It used to be once a fortnight, then once a month, but now I haven't seen him for getting towards a year. We have exchanged emails and I've continued to lie about how my education is going. Right now he thinks I've just done my GCSEs, when in actuality I'm lacking a few years of education and haven't taken them at all. He's now asking for results and wants to see me. Not that I can anyway due to me needing a shower and my clothes a wash.
  • I haven't got any friends. I haven't seen anyone socially for about 2 years. I only leave the flat for shopping, bills and other such things. If I tried to see friends, due to the boiler I couldn't. I thought I'd manage but I really feel socially awkward now, and I'm even more self-conscious than I used to be. In the past I've contemplated suicide but I haven't been there in a while. I think I've strengthened my mentality enough not to go there again, to the detriment of whatever else. I pretty much live each day the same way - 12 hour sleep, eat, play video games, listen to rock music, watch TV, repeat. Due to this [insert applicable word here] once I go to sleep I don't want to wake up so tend not to until about 12 hours of sleep. After 14 or so hours of being wake, this day-by-day screws up my sleeping pattern. It's gone in a full circle numerous times. Sometimes when I watch a particular TV show a lot from beginning to end I feel depressed by the end of it due to how much I want to be in whatever I just saw, whether it's Merlin or Prison Break. It's a strange feeling.
  • The monetary situation has become bearable but is only worsening through no fault of my own. Here are the rough numbers(): 350/fortnight. gas, elec and water are 70/fortnight. landlords due to the unnecessarily high rent(taking advantage) are 100/fortnight. This leaves 180/fortnight, or 30/week/each for food, then shared stuff, then necessities. It's difficult but we get by. Recently we got told that a long forgotten account had accrued 700 in debt and will need paying back or it'll default(no clue what that means, admittedly). I'm on about 3.50/day for food at the moment, and that'll halve after we get a payment plan sorted with them, assuming they'd be okay with that. We're gonna go see them next week. My mother is on 4/day as she refuses to quit her cigarettes, and if she runs out then I either give her money I can't afford to or she goes around looking for used cigarettes on the floor. Obviously that worries me.
  • The computer is starting to misbehave and it's really all I have left. The internet was supposedly cut off last November but for whatever reason it still works, thank *. Without the internet I don't know how I could bare this.

It's just one thing after another and I am exhausted. I never exercise due to my asthma + allergies yet I always feel tired and I've lost almost 2 stone since I last went to the doctors. Heck, my mother even says I embarrass her in public sometimes because I look so miserable. Ehh... I'll leave it at that. I've missed a lot out above - as you can see I was going to be very specific but just trailed off and got to the point. I could go on all day. If you read this far I appreciate it, any advice would be great. I just feel lonely and helpless, and losing myself in games and TV shows is all I can do to keep myself from thinking about life, which never ceases to depress me. Cheers.
   
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Re: Feeling Isolated & Helpless - August 4th 2012, 07:18 AM

Hey hun,
I am so sorry to hear about this all, it just seems like you can't catch a break. But I really hope things turn around for you. I think it would help if you tried getting in touch with come old friends or making new ones, it seems to me like your taking on too much as a kid. Paying for bills and worrying about stuff as you are isn't right for a kid your age. Is there any way you could maybe ask your dad for help? I know you said you don't see him often but I'd like to think that he wouldn't want to see his son having to deal with all of this. Oh and I have asthma too and it completly sucks :/ I hope yours isn't too bad though. And try not to feel alone, I know what you went through with the while getting behind in school. I fell down the stairs a while ago and sustained a bad concussion and ended up having to repeat my junior year cause I was in so much pain and I like literally coudn't make it to school, and when I could I was so far behind it was ridiculous. So I've been there, hold on though, things will get better for you.
   
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Re: Feeling Isolated & Helpless - August 5th 2012, 05:07 AM

Tell your Dad the truth...maybe he'll send some money. Or come himself so your Mom doesn't waste it on cigarettes.
Sorry, just hang in there! You have a computer! Educate yourself!
Just an idea.
Prayin' for you.
- Collies R Us aka Ally


"Be strong and bold; have no fear or dread of them, because it is the LORD your God who goes with you; he will not fail you or forsake you." (Deut. 31:6 NRSV of the Bible)
   
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Re: Feeling Isolated & Helpless - August 5th 2012, 07:39 AM

Sorry to hear you are having tough times...
I agree with Collies, and I would recommend his suggestion...
   
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Re: Feeling Isolated & Helpless - August 10th 2012, 08:26 AM

Hun, this is too much for you. I do recommend you tell your father the truth-- he can help you.

Can you also confront your mom about how much cigarettes cost? I know her addiction worries you but at this point you need to make sure you keep your share of the money so you can get what you need to live.

I'm sorry to hear what's going on.
What exactly is stopping you from going out? There's a nice world if you can go out to it.

Love,
Maddi
   
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Re: Feeling Isolated & Helpless - August 16th 2012, 11:29 AM

Thanks for the replies.



My Mother has cut back on cigarettes significantly this past week or so and it's really made a difference, I'm very appreciative of this.

I don't think that contacting my father would help as without giving you his detailed history that isn't 'in his nature'. All I fear that would do is cause further problems as I explain the education situation.

Just today I got a final demand out of absolutely nowhere from Thames Water but fortunately was able to solve it with a 2 minute phone call. A trip to Natwest looms.

I can't go out due to my asthma and allergies. Just staying indoors 24/7 is enough for my nose to become supremely blocked up beyond all relief. Going out just triggers other issues.

A small thing, but my mother said I sounded just like my grandfather when I was on the phone. That put a smile on my face

I'm putting up with stuff for now. I should get an email from the solicitor sometime today explaining why we've not gotten our money yet, and from there hopefully we can progress. My main goal right now is that money, so that we can move out of here and I can try to start afresh a semi-normal life somewhere, perhaps far away from here dependant on prices etc.



Again, thanks for the support. When stuff gets to me it helps a lot
   
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