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thoughts came back - August 15th 2012, 05:34 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

A month after mom passed away i got saved but then i became suicidal. Before mom died I had lost all faith in god and didnt really believe in him (or atleast didnt believe there was any good in him) but the last time i spoke to my mom before we took her off life support i told her what was going to happen. She smiled at me, she told me my dad and sistes that she loves us, she even wrote it down on a piece of paper even though she was on all those pain killers. It was kind of like she proved to me that god is real because i dont think anybody could die smiling and happy unless they knew what was coming like mom did. And as if that wasnt enough proof, my aunt had a drem a few days before of mom and papa (my moms dad who died when i was 14) smiling at her. Also, my godmother spoke to my mom about three days before her death, mom told her that she wouldnt be coming home, when sharon asked mom what she ment she said that she saw papa and that he said he was goin to take her home. I know my mom is in heaven, but it doesnt help, i was closer to her then anyone on this earth. She was the first person i saw when i woke up and the last person i saw before i went to sleep. She loved me more then ill ever know, and i didnt deserve it. I was such an asshole to her when she was alive, i would argue with her just about everyother day. I never realized how much she ment to me until she was gone. Thats what made me start thinking about suicide the first time. I was so pissed off at myself for what i am, i didnt want to live and be loved by my family because i didnt deserve it. But in the end i couldnt do it because of what it would do to them. Since then ive gotten worse, i smile and joke with my family everytime theyre around because i dont want them to worry about me but i havent been happy since the day mom passed (april 26, 2012) except for when i got saved. For the past couple months ive been praying, begging god to kill me cause of how bad this shit hurts. I just want this to stop, the guilt, and the pain will go away if i do it. I just wish i could make my family understand what a piece of shit i am so they wouldnt love me anymore. I mean why in the hell am i blessed with such a loving and caring family when theres millions of innocent kids out there without families, being abused, sexually assaulted, starved and god knows what else. I know killing myself wont change ony of that but atleast i wont have to live with myself, knowing that i have more then i deserve.
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Re: thoughts came back - August 16th 2012, 05:32 AM

Your mom would want you to keep living.For her to live on in your heart.No ones really gone as long as people who love them are still there.I doubt she would want to see you like this.
Just keep loving Her.Live for Her.
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