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Tacitus Offline
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My story...need encouragement to live (long) - August 19th 2012, 01:56 AM

I hope this is in the correct section. I feel like I need to vent to someone somewhere...I don't even know where to begin. I am what is known to people as a gifted student. I try not to brag about it and I harbor no ill thoughts towards people less gifted than me. I have had problems with doing homework for years. It started in middle school, then went throughout high school.

My father was diagnosed with bone cancer when I was still in middle school and he went into remission for several months, maybe over a year. He relapsed and later died of pneumonia (my mother is suing the hospital because she believes it was due to them not changing his IV on schedule, which became infected). I've mostly gotten over it but as any who has lost loved ones know, the pain doesn't ever fully go away.

Well, I became very depressed and didn't feel like going to school. I wasn't doing my homework, and was staying home quite often making it extremely difficult even for a determined student to catch up. I have been expelled for this three times over the course of my high school career...miraculously I haven't had to repeat any years, but it has negatively affected my records.

I was my normal lazy self in an alternative school when I came about a change of mind...I was always very sympathetic to others and emotional about things, but it grew very quickly into feelings of complete peace and friendliness towards others. That may sound normal, but I've dealt with social anxiety my entire life, and am still quite intimidated by people who are even slightly older or taller than me.

Anyway, this past summer I have been stricken with some illness that leaves me very depressed. I get random and widespread muscle pains, bone pains, joint pains, body cavity wall pains, basically most general pains you can think of, I get them randomly for a random amount of time for no apparent reason. I also have trouble with my digestive tract and urinary tract. I'll have diarrhea for no reason or be constipated for no reason, and whenever I have to pee, It hurts in my pelvic area, like somethings being twisted for a moment, but once I begin, it subsides. I have been to the doctor, but insurance for me will arrive soon and hasn't been verified yet, so I have to wait for blood tests and what not. But I have been quite sick for at least three months. I can do my normal everyday things, but it's quite debilitating and I don't know whether I'm dying or what. The pains and my anxiety seem to increase when I smoke cannabis (this didn't used to happen to me so I'm almost certain it's because I'm ill) so I've cut back immensely on that habit.

I have stopped eating unhealthy things, and feel happy and like I could get my life in order...if only I weren't sick. I just started senior year of high school Wednesday, and I can do it, but man my shoulders absolutely KILL by the end of the day or week. My muscles feel like they are wasting away and spasm randomly, and I feel like can't exercise because I'm too weak and I feel absolutely terrible afterwards. Like I was hit by a moving car while sick or something. I also feel like I should get a girlfriend (never had one) but am not interested in anything stupidly shallow and so I don't have high expectations...I'm also very shy until I get to know someone a little bit so that's probably a disadvantage. I'm witty and smart though and I can sing. *chuckle* maybe that's enough. I don't really know why I put this here, but I'm only 16 and though I'm a senior I just feel like there's nobody for me in my high school...not a huge problem but it bugs me that I can't pursue girls like others can. Whatever.

I have come so far from my depressive, fat self (I have lost a lot of weight due to lack of appetite), and just wish I could get on with my life.

It's gotten to the point that I cry at least three times a week over how sick I am and how I just wish it would magically go away. I would never commit suicide, but I wouldn't mind slipping away into the eternal realm of death. No pain, nothing. I wouldn't care obviously, since I'd be dead, but as for right now I'd like a shot at life. I'm not sure what you guys can do for me here, but I just felt like I needed to get this out...I'm sure there are others who need help more than I do.

I would like some encouragement, and feel it would help me...so...help me?

TL;DR - I've been sick for a long while, and feel like I would rather die in my sleep than even attempt to get better...not suicidal, but I may end up there eventually.
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cloda Offline
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Re: My story...need encouragement to live (long) - August 19th 2012, 02:50 AM

You seem like a very strong person and i hope your illness ends soon. You also seem ambitious and want to live your life. Please don't give up and fight against it, you deserve a long happy life.
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Tacitus Offline
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Re: My story...need encouragement to live (long) - August 19th 2012, 02:54 AM

Thank you cloda...it's funny how in real life you tell people all day long for months how sick you are and they end up not believing you or not taking it seriously. My body feels like it's failing...I've been strong and I guess I have to stay strong If I want to live...one symptom I just got was a strange sensitivity in my left ribs (this happens)...it feels so strange and it's painful in a way too. Thanks for replying, I'll try to stay strong.
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Re: My story...need encouragement to live (long) - August 21st 2012, 03:20 AM

You've been through so much and I'm sorry ur having to go through more... I think as far as ur illness all u can rlly do is wait to see what the doctors say, but as far as school its good ur still trying, as for the girlfriend, theirs rlly o rush, having a gf/bf isn't just about having the perks of it but it should rlly be about being with a person u enjoy being around and like, and if you don't have a gf yet that just means you haven't found that girl, I hoped this helped a lil, pm me anytime
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