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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
I am someone that cares
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Name: Court Reeves
Age: 22
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Join Date: August 29th 2012

i dont know who i am. I need help badly. - August 30th 2012, 12:18 AM

I used to be the person that was always positive. I used to wake up with a smile and said today is going to be a great day. I used to be very open minded and enjoyed people. I never have had a girlfriend but, until now, i never cared. I enjoyed life to the fullest. My reason to live, was to help people and to challenge myself. Ever sense this girl that i really really like, possibly love, rejected me twice. I lost who i was.
My childhood wasnt the greatest. I didnt have any friends and my parents expected me to be the best child because of my dads work parties and stuff. I never once cried. When i was eight and i moved to where i live now i made friends. I adopted the way people lived here and i matched their lifestyle. When i got to seventh grade i met a girl that i didnt understand. Normally girls didnt talk to me. For some reason this girl became my best friend. I didnt know what it felt like to like someone before. So it took me until my eighth grade year to realize i liked her.
Over that summer we stopped texting and talking for some reason. Until my freshman year i started liking her again. We started to talk again and we realized our feelings for each other. It took me three months to get the courage to ask her out. When i got to school the next day i went to find her. I tried to talk to her but she ignored me. When i would look at her in the eyes she would just turn around. She wouldnt talk to me. Two weeks later she was going out with someone else.
For six months i endured the pain of seeing the girl i liked for two years with another guy. I was tormented by my mind. However i wasnt depressed. I missed her but i never would let life get to me. I would just put it aside and say it would blow over.
At the end of last year i wrote her a letter to tell her that i wanted to talk to her. She thought i was mad at her the whole time. We started talking again but just as friends. She was still going out with the guy but i couldnt stop thinking about her. I decided to tell her that i still liked her. She told me she liked me to. However, she couldnt chose. So for four months i waited. Until i told that if she waited any longer she was going to hurt me or the other guy really badly. She chose him. I dont know why but she did. I decided that its best if i didnt talk to her anymore. So i told her i wasnt going to because she needed to talk to her boyfriend instead of with me.
Two weeks past and i couldnt stand it. I texted her and she replied but she was pissed. At least i told her though. She just ignored me for six months and when we started talking i never told her i was angry. I never blamed her for my pain.
For two months i have been depressed. At school i dont talk to anyone other than two people. I still see her with the same guy and it tares me to parts every time. I dont care for anything anymore. I wake up now with a straight face everyday. I drag my feet everywhere i go. I feel like i am always staring at my shoes when i walk. I feel lonely because the girl i loved rejected me twice and is pissed off at me. Once again she wont talk to me. I wish that i could give others my life because they would use it better. Im worthless. I cant get a girlfriend, i lost sight of myself, i drag my feet, i mess up at everything i do, and i just cant look at myself in the mirror anymore. All i see is a guy that is weak and stupid for feeling this way. I am very fortunate to have all the grateful things in my life, but the girl i still like can destroy me and put me back together. I lost a dozen of my friends. I only have two. I dont have anyone i can talk to about this. Im ashamed to go to my parents. At school she wont even look at me or talk to me. All i do now is play my guitar. Its the only thing that i want to do. I dont care anymore. Somethings wrong with me. I pray for a miracle every day to change the way i think of myself. Nothing has changed though. I want to care and help people but i keep thinking i am to weak and worthless. I walk through this life as if it doesnt matter. Am i going to be alone forever? I used to have a reason to live, but now i cant do it anymore. Does my life have no meaning? Is it over for me? The people in my classes insult me but i dont even care. Three months ago i would have stood up for myself. But now all i can do is think of her. I never cried until now. Not even when i got hurt i never cried. My parents told me crying solves nothing and that you should be happy because God has blessed you with many things. Why do i still like her? Do i have a mental issue? Is something wrong with me? I would never commit suicide, but i hate feeling and thinking like this. All i think of now is how worthless i am. I need someones advice extremely bad! Please, for the love of God, help me!
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Re: i dont know who i am. I need help badly. - August 30th 2012, 10:47 PM

Firstly there is absolutly nothing wrong with you, you're a person with emotions and for some people its harder to get over than others. There is nothing wrong with being upset but losing friends and becoming introverted isn't healthy. I honstly think that talking to a school guidance counslor or any adult that you trust is important, i know it's hard to do but more often then not it takes a load of off your shoulders. I really hope that you start pushing yourself to wake up every morning and just try smiling, think of something that used to make you happy and focus on that, or maybe take up a sport or hobby just anything to keep you busy and moving on with life. It's not going to be a snap your fingers and your problems are fixed situation, but if you work at finding little things in life that are worth living you'll get through this hard time. As for the girl, I don't think that she deserves someone like you who would wait that long for her, i don't think she understands the seriousness of how you feel. Though it feels like you might be alone, your not and someday you will find a girl that loves you and choses you.
Love CC
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Name: Madison
Age: 22
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Join Date: August 27th 2012

Re: i dont know who i am. I need help badly. - September 1st 2012, 05:01 AM

I feel for you, man. <3 It's really hard to be the second choice of someone you love so much. I don't think she understands how much she is hurting you. If I was her, personally I would not have told you I had feelings for you in the first place if I knew I was going to pick the other guy in the end. But what's done it done. Just try to forget about that dark time in your past and maybe try to find someone else. I know there's someone out there who's just perfect for you and waiting for you to come along. You're not worthless or anything and I'm sure you're an incredible person. There are people out there who love you. You just need to find them. Just think about it. You have your whole life ahead of you to do whatever you want to do. It's an exciting thing, isn't it? You can be anything you want to be. All there is from here is promise for the future. So just leave behind the pain from the past and move on to a new beginning. Good luck. <3

I act like s**t donít phase me,
Inside it drives me crazy!
My insecurities could eat me alive
But then i see my baby
Suddenly i'm not crazy!
It all makes sense when i look into her eyes
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