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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Name: Court Reeves
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Location: Texas, USA

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Join Date: August 29th 2012

i dont know who i am. I need help badly. - August 30th 2012, 12:42 AM

I used to be the person that was always positive. I used to wake up with a smile and said today is going to be a great day. I used to be very open minded and enjoyed people. I never have had a girlfriend but, until now, i never cared. I enjoyed life to the fullest. My reason to live, was to help people and to challenge myself. Ever sense this girl that i really really like, possibly love, rejected me twice. I lost who i was.
My childhood wasnt the greatest. I didnt have any friends and my parents expected me to be the best child because of my dads work parties and stuff. I never once cried. When i was eight and i moved to where i live now i made friends. I adopted the way people lived here and i matched their lifestyle. When i got to seventh grade i met a girl that i didnt understand. Normally girls didnt talk to me. For some reason this girl became my best friend. I didnt know what it felt like to like someone before. So it took me until my eighth grade year to realize i liked her.
Over that summer we stopped texting and talking for some reason. Until my freshman year i started liking her again. We started to talk again and we realized our feelings for each other. It took me three months to get the courage to ask her out. When i got to school the next day i went to find her. I tried to talk to her but she ignored me. When i would look at her in the eyes she would just turn around. She wouldnt talk to me. Two weeks later she was going out with someone else.
For six months i endured the pain of seeing the girl i liked for two years with another guy. I was tormented by my mind. However i wasnt depressed. I missed her but i never would let life get to me. I would just put it aside and say it would blow over.
At the end of last year i wrote her a letter to tell her that i wanted to talk to her. She thought i was mad at her the whole time. We started talking again but just as friends. She was still going out with the guy but i couldnt stop thinking about her. I decided to tell her that i still liked her. She told me she liked me to. However, she couldnt chose. So for four months i waited. Until i told that if she waited any longer she was going to hurt me or the other guy really badly. She chose him. I dont know why but she did. I decided that its best if i didnt talk to her anymore. So i told her i wasnt going to because she needed to talk to her boyfriend instead of with me.
Two weeks past and i couldnt stand it. I texted her and she replied but she was pissed. At least i told her though. She just ignored me for six months and when we started talking i never told her i was angry. I never blamed her for my pain.
For two months i have been depressed. At school i dont talk to anyone other than two people. I still see her with the same guy and it tares me to parts every time. I dont care for anything anymore. I wake up now with a straight face everyday. I drag my feet everywhere i go. I feel like i am always staring at my shoes when i walk. I feel lonely because the girl i loved rejected me twice and is pissed off at me. Once again she wont talk to me. I wish that i could give others my life because they would use it better. Im worthless. I cant get a girlfriend, i lost sight of myself, i drag my feet, i mess up at everything i do, and i just cant look at myself in the mirror anymore. All i see is a guy that is weak and stupid for feeling this way. I am very fortunate to have all the grateful things in my life, but the girl i still like can destroy me and put me back together. I lost a dozen of my friends. I only have two. I dont have anyone i can talk to about this. Im ashamed to go to my parents. At school she wont even look at me or talk to me. All i do now is play my guitar. Its the only thing that i want to do. I dont care anymore. Somethings wrong with me. I pray for a miracle every day to change the way i think of myself. Nothing has changed though. I want to care and help people but i keep thinking i am to weak and worthless. I walk through this life as if it doesnt matter. Am i going to be alone forever? I used to have a reason to live, but now i cant do it anymore. Does my life have no meaning? Is it over for me? The people in my classes insult me but i dont even care. Three months ago i would have stood up for myself. But now all i can do is think of her. I never cried until now. Not even when i got hurt i never cried. My parents told me crying solves nothing and that you should be happy because God has blessed you with many things. Why do i still like her? Do i have a mental issue? Is something wrong with me? I would never commit suicide, but i hate feeling and thinking like this. All i think of now is how worthless i am. I need someones advice extremely bad! Please, for the love of God, help me!
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Re: i dont know who i am. I need help badly. - September 1st 2012, 01:30 PM

Hi, I have read your post and I felt concerned. At the same time, I want to congratulate you on your courage to speak up and get help! That is very brave, you have taken your first step, which is the hardest of all, so keep it up!
It must be very hurtful to see the girl you like being with someone else. One time, you even wrote a letter to her to tell her that you want to talk to her, but she got frustrated because she thought that you are angry. Maybe you can try telling her that it is just a misunderstanding? And yes, I see that you really like the girl, and you hope that she likes you too. You are very brave to confess to her your true feelings despite being aware of the possible outcomes.
Her rejection must have had a toil on you that you became depressed. Hang on there! Hard times will pass no matter what! I am sure that you have some goal in your life that you want to accomplish! You are not a worthless, but a very unique person. You have your own special strengths and weaknesses, and they makes you so unique! It is okay if you want to cry, as long as it makes you a little better, and don't forget that there are always people out there for you. Your friends, family, teachers, and the school counsellor. Maybe you would like to talk to someone, I would suggest you talk to your school counsellor or a trusted teacher, they will guide you through your problem!
You are not alone! There are helps around! Don't turn to suicide! It is a permenantly solution to a temporary problem! It is not worth it!
Take care,
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Re: i dont know who i am. I need help badly. - September 3rd 2012, 11:45 PM

Hey... Ik how u feel kinda, I have fallen in love with two of my bfs n they both made me rlly happen cause someone was actually returning my love... Well both relationships need n it just broke my heart, I go into a deep depression afterwards n I wouldn't commit suicide but at the same time don't want to live a life where th people I love most just end up hurting me... When ur in love with someone u will never forget them n will always love them, but all u can do is tell urself that it wasn't ment to be that theirs someone else out their for u... Ur only 15 u have a lot of time to find that person... For now just try to reconnect with some friends and play ur guitar if u need to talk more feel free to pm me anytime
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