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What do I do? - August 31st 2012, 10:38 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

My fiance has been acting odd a couple of weeks. Today, it was worse than usual. We talked and hewas obviously upset, then he told me the reason he couldn't walk properly today. His leg is covered in cuts. I can't tell how deep or anything, but they look sore and angry and he seemed so ashamed. I don't know what to do. I love him so much, I hate that he felt so awful about something that he needed to do this to himself, and we're going to see a doctor next week together, but he kept saying he doesn't want to make me worse and I keep telling him that I'm fine and I can handle it. After all, he was there for me the whole time I was sick. But I was freaking out. Just seeing the cuts sent me into overdrive and how the hell can I help him when I'm still sitting in the shower with a blade against my skin every other day? I held it together and told him we could do it, but I'm falling to pieces now.
God, I want to help him, I can't stand to see him like this, but I don't know how to help.

What do I do?
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Re: What do I do? - September 1st 2012, 01:18 AM

Hey Joanna,

I'm so sorry that your fiance is having to go through something as awful as this, and that you, too, are struggling with similar issues. In a way, though, it's a good thing that you both know about each other struggling with this. It is, obviously, unfortunate that you have to go through it at all, but you can help each other get better. Perhaps the two of you can arrange some sort of method to keep you away from harming yourselves? I'm not sure what this could be, but it could be as creative as you like. Perhaps it could just be as simple as setting yourself short term goals, such as, being SH free for a week, and if this goal is met, you treat yourselves to a special night out together or something. Maybe knowing that at the end of it is something you will both get to enjoy will help give you something extra to fight for which isn't as daunting as your entire future. I, personally, find setting myself short term targets to reach to be quite effective, so it's something to consider.

I know it must be awful to think that you have to help him while you're still struggling with this yourself, but just because you are, doesn't mean you can't. The great thing is, neither of you have to be alone in this. You obviously care for him a lot, and he obviously cares a lot for you too, so naturally you'll both want what is best for each other. You can be there if ever he needs to talk, and he can be there if ever you do. Using communication might help a lot here because the two of you can share how you feel, and help each other, perhaps from personal experiences, or by simply being there to go to. I know it's hard when you're finding everything so challenging yourself, but try telling him that. Try explaining that you're struggling too, and that regardless of that, you're totally there for him, and suggest the idea that you both use each other for support with recovery.

You could even get together a list of alternatives (perhaps from the list here, or an online search) for you both to try together. If they haven't worked in the past, you might find they do a bit more now that you have someone else trying them with you. Again, you'll both be working together to recover, and knowing that you have that support can really help give you the motivation and strength to work on this.

I hope this has helped, and if you ever need anyone to talk to, feel free to shoot me a PM at any time. I know this is hard for you right now, and none of this will go away over night, but the two of you can over come this. Just keep fighting at it, try working with him rather than worrying about how you'll support him. It's unrealistic to expect yourself to focus all of your attention on helping him when you obviously need some of that to use on yourself, so if the two of you are working alongside each other, it might be useful.

Take care,

❤ Nana ❤

As far as we can discern,
the sole purpose of human existence
is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.
- Carl Jung

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