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cynefin Offline
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Here we go again....I feel alone in this. - September 3rd 2012, 12:10 AM

I guess I need to vent, or maybe I need advice. I don't know. Which ever it is, I need to include some background information.

So my family has moved around a lot. I've lived in five states and another country. When I was younger (Kingerdarden-fourth grade) I had the world at my finger tips. I was the most outgoing little girl you'd meet. I was the class clown. I guess because I was younger, everything else I was going through at the time didn't affect me then as much as it does now. Looking back, when I was six, I thought every family had an autistic child.

In the middle of fifth grade, I moved across the country. I spent two months in my new school before we got promoted to middle school. I was ten at the time, but I had cut on and off. When I was younger, I'd take the flat side of a knife and hold it to my skin to see how it felt. This was when my depression got really bad. At the ceremony, I didn't feel like I was even part of it because I wasn't there long enough.

In sixth grade, I made a few close friends. But I was very suicidal during that school year, I thought nothing of it. I moved that summer and seventh grade was the worst year. My anxiety got really bad and so did my cutting. I was really depressed and was developing an eating disorder. I hid that whole entire year. I got close to one of my teachers, and I also had him in eighth grade.

Eighth grade sucked. I started burning anf brusins myself. But I did get a lot of support. I was overweight before I had an eating disorder, so I'm still in the normal weight range. My teacher noticed I lost weight and they were informed of my anxiety. During this time I had a friend who would mock my problems to gain attention and I was really struggling. Because of the fact my teacher's didn't see me all summer, the first thing they noticed was my weightloss. Suspision from my seventh and eighth grade teachers contuined until my suicide attempt in the middle of the school year. They were always very helpful and they knew if I was having a bad day to leave me alone. I got a lot of support from them. I was also well known because of my autistic brother.

I'm in ninth grade now. My counselor has like 750 students besides me. The problem is, I feel alone. It's like: Here we go again, back to hiding. I don't think my mom wants me to tell my teachers anything, but I feel like I have no one to turn to.(I told my teacher some things and I ended up in the crisis center multiple times) I can't overwhelm my friends because they are only my age. I recently got put on a new medication and it's making me really tired and stuff. Should I just go back to hiding?

There's more information I didn't include

**I didn't know where to put this**
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Here we go again....I feel alone in this. - September 4th 2012, 03:57 AM

You have been through a lot these past years. I can tell, just from what i read, that you are a strong person. Most people would have given up. They would have declared that life isnt fair and its not worth living. Im terribly sorry that i didnt see your post until today. Your not alone. Im here for you and i dont know you but i want to be your friend.
You havent given in to what life gave you. Life is a gift, dont waste it. I have never harmed myself before. I cant imagine what its like. However, i do know that its not a good thing to do. Im a confident person. I believe in my abilities and myself. Im grateful for what i have been blessed with and i do without what i havent. You need to build self confidence. In my life, i see myself as the chosen one. You were put on this earth for a reason, so do what you can with what you got. You have courage and a will to live. Those are the most important things someone can have. I dont think that going to hiding is a good idea, i also believe that you dont want to. I tried to hide myself once. It just led to more pain and suffering. Walk everywhere like you own the place. If people give you shit, dont take it from them. You are your own person and you have a right to do what you want. Try to be more social. Dont give up on people. It may not seem like it but there are people like me that are caring and will understand you. My family moved a lot as will. Just as much as you have. I understand how hard it is to adjust.
The most important thing to have is a dream and a reason to live. My reason to live is to help others in need and give people hope. My dream is to open my own guitar shop and have a family. When i get out of high school i will join the US Navy. My father went there when life was hard on him. They made him into a confident, caring, and strong person. I admire my father. I decided to use my life to help others fulfill their dreams. Another thing that is crucial is a hobby. My hobby is guitar. My dad teaches me but you dont need a teacher. All you need is a desire to learn and play. So if you allow me to help you and if we stay in contact i can give u the basics of guitar and be a good friend to you. While my friends are out with their girlfriends, im in my room playing guitar. Im not good with girls and never had a girlfriend so thats the only thing i have thats an issue. However, i dont let it get to me. Im happy with my life now. Dont go into hiding, dont hurt yourself, and dont feel that your alone. If you hide from your problems they will never be fixed. If you hurt yourself then that makes you lose confidence and can really mess up. Thinking that your alone is a lie starting today. Im someone to depend on. I wont insult you for what ever you may have done in the past. I will never hate you. I wont let you down. If you allow me to help you, i can take half of the load that you have been carrying for so long. A friend is someone that accepts you for who you are and will stick with you no matter what. Im that kinda guy. I hope my advice was helpful. I hope you read this. Dont give up hope. PM me for any advice. Ill even give you my phone number, if you ask for it, so that you have a friend and someone to talk to. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You got me. I wish you luck and i will be praying for you .
   
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Re: Here we go again....I feel alone in this. - September 4th 2012, 08:47 AM

Don't even try it. Shrinking back into yourself; or hiding, will only make you feel worse, and you will truly be alone. Being vocal with something like this is something that you should truly invest in.
You are never alone, remember that.
   
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cynefin Offline
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Re: Here we go again....I feel alone in this. - September 5th 2012, 12:52 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Guitar LvL Legendary View Post
You have been through a lot these past years. I can tell, just from what i read, that you are a strong person. Most people would have given up. They would have declared that life isnt fair and its not worth living. Im terribly sorry that i didnt see your post until today. Your not alone. Im here for you and i dont know you but i want to be your friend.
You havent given in to what life gave you. Life is a gift, dont waste it. I have never harmed myself before. I cant imagine what its like. However, i do know that its not a good thing to do. Im a confident person. I believe in my abilities and myself. Im grateful for what i have been blessed with and i do without what i havent. You need to build self confidence. In my life, i see myself as the chosen one. You were put on this earth for a reason, so do what you can with what you got. You have courage and a will to live. Those are the most important things someone can have. I dont think that going to hiding is a good idea, i also believe that you dont want to. I tried to hide myself once. It just led to more pain and suffering. Walk everywhere like you own the place. If people give you shit, dont take it from them. You are your own person and you have a right to do what you want. Try to be more social. Dont give up on people. It may not seem like it but there are people like me that are caring and will understand you. My family moved a lot as will. Just as much as you have. I understand how hard it is to adjust.
The most important thing to have is a dream and a reason to live. My reason to live is to help others in need and give people hope. My dream is to open my own guitar shop and have a family. When i get out of high school i will join the US Navy. My father went there when life was hard on him. They made him into a confident, caring, and strong person. I admire my father. I decided to use my life to help others fulfill their dreams. Another thing that is crucial is a hobby. My hobby is guitar. My dad teaches me but you dont need a teacher. All you need is a desire to learn and play. So if you allow me to help you and if we stay in contact i can give u the basics of guitar and be a good friend to you. While my friends are out with their girlfriends, im in my room playing guitar. Im not good with girls and never had a girlfriend so thats the only thing i have thats an issue. However, i dont let it get to me. Im happy with my life now. Dont go into hiding, dont hurt yourself, and dont feel that your alone. If you hide from your problems they will never be fixed. If you hurt yourself then that makes you lose confidence and can really mess up. Thinking that your alone is a lie starting today. Im someone to depend on. I wont insult you for what ever you may have done in the past. I will never hate you. I wont let you down. If you allow me to help you, i can take half of the load that you have been carrying for so long. A friend is someone that accepts you for who you are and will stick with you no matter what. Im that kinda guy. I hope my advice was helpful. I hope you read this. Dont give up hope. PM me for any advice. Ill even give you my phone number, if you ask for it, so that you have a friend and someone to talk to. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You got me. I wish you luck and i will be praying for you .
Hey, thanks for saying what you did. I have struggled with self harm for four years now. I just don't know, I don't know if I want to hide. I just started high school. It's a clean new slate and no one has to know anything about me, Therefore, I stay as happy and composed as possible in front of them.
I have been hurt and used by so many people, that I lost trust. Even with my friends, I just want to shut off the world. self harm to me is as routine as brushing your teeth is to anyone else. I've become so used to it, it's second nature. I'm trying to be strong for my autistic brother, I'm really trying. I'm happy for what I have, and I can do without what I don't have. It's not a matter of me wanting things. I can't let go of things. If someone says the smallest thing to hurt me, I will replay it in my head over and over again. I'm triggered easily. It's good you don't hurt yourself, don't do it. Yes, I sound like a hypocrite but once you get sucked into this you can't stop. Sorry, I wanted to say more and be a little more organized with my thoughts in writing but I can't think straight. There's a lot more of my story to tell.


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