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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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mano95 Offline
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Just need to talk to someone.... - September 4th 2012, 05:35 AM

I'm depressed. The level of depression varies on a day to day basis, depending on a few things, but usually it's pretty high. And I've been this way for as long as I can remember, always wanting to either die or get hurt badly enough that *someone* would care, because I've never really felt like anyone actually cared about me, except for my girlfriend.

One of my earliest memories is of wanting to die. When I was probably around four, my mother had to put flea medicine on my cat, because our dog had fleas. She didn't tell me until after I had already been petting him and touching my face that I couldn't pet him and then rub my eyes, eat, etc. Any normal child would have been scared and told her what had happened. I just nodded and went into my room, hoping that something actually would happen as a result of the flea poison. I didn't even get sick.

In first grade, I had a little journal that I kept hidden at home. I had seen an advertisement for a place that writes wills on tv, and asked my mother what they were. She explained, and that night, I grabbed my little journal and wrote my own will, hoping that something would happen to me.

I remember walking to school in elementary school and watching the cars pass by, most of the time wishing that one would swerve onto the sidewalk and hit me. It wouldn't have to kill me, I thought, just injure me badly enough to send me to the hospital.

It progressed over the years, getting worse and worse, and though I've fantasized about killing myself, I've always shied away from the thought of actually doing it, because I hate the sight/smell of blood, and I always felt like I would get in trouble, or no one would care. I do however dig my nails into my hand, or my thumb, or some part of my arms when I get angry with myself, for the pain. Never enough to bleed, but there are always marks in my arms for a few minutes afterwards.

I know that I need a therapist, and though my grandmother has offered to get me one and I expressed interest in the idea, she doesn't seem to be serious about it, and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm afraid that it's going to keep getting worse, despite everything my girlfriend does to help, and that I may end up becoming suicidal. I can't tell *anyone* in my family that though, because they'd either make fun of me for it, or somehow try to blame it on my girlfriend, when I know it's their fault.

I guess, in short, though I hate admitting that I need anything because it makes me feel weak and obnoxious, that I don't really have any questions, I just need advice/comments on what I've already said.
   
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Adam the Fish Offline
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Re: Just need to talk to someone.... - September 4th 2012, 08:33 AM

Hey,

I'm to hear this; I think you do need to either talk to your family (which you ruled out) or a counsellor.

They can help you lots, and it always feels much better once you tell someone, like a counsellor.

I don't know where you are, or how old you are, but in a lot of places you can get free counselling. Have a look into it.


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Re: Just need to talk to someone.... - September 4th 2012, 08:43 AM

Don't feel like there is nothing for you. Your girlfriend is there, yes? What about your family?
I know what it feels like before you try. I mentioned in an earlier post that you should never let anything influence your life unless you want it to.
Has your family ever made fun of you for wanting to kill yourself? The reason you don't want to tell anyone is because you are afraid of what they might think, of what might happen, or that you are too embarrassed that you feel this way. Your girlfriend loves you, your grandmother, and your friends. Don't give up on them.
   
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mano95 Offline
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Re: Just need to talk to someone.... - September 4th 2012, 08:16 PM

I've never told my family about it, but they make fun of people who do. And it's not really wanting to kill myself, just wanting something to happen to me, I'm too afraid to actually kill myself. I'll try talking to my girlfriend more, and maybe to my family as well. But talking to my family is hard. They only ever really care about my sisters, they've never expressed much concern over me.
   
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Re: Just need to talk to someone.... - September 9th 2012, 10:22 PM

I am glad you are to scared to kill yourself! STAY THAT WAY!!! I don't know if I will help at all but I will try... Those things that you want to happen to you... they arent good and you need to do something to get it out of your system... your "family" shouldn't make fun of suicidals... Suicide is SERIOUS BUISNESS!! You are being distant and you NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE ASAP!!! You NEED to get the help you need! Life is hard... NO ONE promised it would be easy... BUT they did promise it would be worth it! If you need to talk you can email me!!! depressed.1999@yahoo.com I will help you!!!
   
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mano95 Offline
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Re: Just need to talk to someone.... - September 11th 2012, 04:57 AM

Thank you Karley. I will definitely keep that in mind, and I'll send you a message if/when I get really upset like that again
   
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