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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Validity Offline
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Unhappy Not able to think clearly - September 11th 2012, 05:12 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

All that is in my head right now is 'escape he inescable. How do I do that? Death. Death. Death. Pills, pills on my bedside table. Why must I delay it any longer? This high did not last as long as I thought it would. It's slammed me in the back of the head, pushing me towards the grave, surging me onwards. I don't want to do this anymore. I am meant to be doing my work for Science but everything is fuzzy, my head pounding with a headache as I try to think, think of how to put the words on the page into my own words. I need help! And I have no support. I have the word love on my wrist but now I feel like such a hypocrite, thinking this. I need help, I feel so guilty, feel so used, feel so abused. I want it all to end, I want the pain in my chest to go away, I don't want to be anymore. I want to see the life after death. I am ready to take my life, what had propelled me to the side, keeping my head held high, is still there but, the burns on my forearm, they itch like crazy, one friend noticed and told me I was going to get no sympathy. I don't want any FUCKING SYMPATHY! I WANT THE FUCKING PAIN TO END! I don't need this. I am gone, gone far into myself. I wish to talk to someone but I don't want to have to fight.

Will I ever have freedom? Will I ever free myself of these suicidal intentions before I meet the trenches? I need, need, need HELP!


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Not able to think clearly - September 11th 2012, 01:35 PM

I've been where you are, I first started getting depressed and suicidal when I was 8. At first I thought it was just a normal part of life, something everyone had to go through but then we had a suicide prevention assembly at school.
I was shocked to find out that for years I had been depressed but I felt like I wasn't alone, only to find out that I pretty much was alone as my age.

Time went on, I never felt better. I reached out a few times but nobody and nothing helped. I decided that I would never feel better and there was no point to it all anymore. I decided that there was only one way to make the pain stop, so just after I turned 19, 11 years after it all started I decided to end it all. I took all my medication, 3 months worth at around 2pm on February 25.
Now, I'm not sure where I read or heard it but I expected it to be kind of quick and mostly painless. I was very wrong, from the 25th to March 2nd I was in the worst pain I had ever felt, and because my friend called I ended up surviving. At first I was mad at her, I didn't want talk to her for almost a year. But I realized, why would I kill myself when I have such a good friend for me to talk to? She was always willing to be there, to listen, to offer advice.

And you know what, I started to feel better after awhile. Depression doesn't last forever, it might seem that way but things always get better with time. And until then you are always welcome to PM me about anything that's troubling you. I'm willing to be that friend for you, because I don't want to hear that anything happened to you. People care about you.


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Re: Not able to think clearly - September 11th 2012, 04:43 PM

I know how that feels. I've been down this road, many many times. Just recently, I realized it wasn't worth it. The thoughts started when I was 16, and I had been thinking of it since. I don't know what stopped me every single time. I had no one to talk to, or so I thought. Just before I turned 16, I had joined an internet forum and instantly made a friend, and it felt like we were destined to be best friends. Now, she's like a sister to me. She doesn't know this, but having a friend like her at age 16 probably saved my life. I knew I needed help. The thoughts were there sometimes, but I kept thinking of my friend/sister and all of our other friends.

Sometime last year, I literally tried. I knew I needed help, I've thought those same exact thoughts you're thinking now. Right after that, everything changed. I had the thought a few times this past year, but I had learned that things can get better. I've been battling depression since I was in 4th grade, suicidal since I was 16, but things will get better. Knowing you have people that really do care helps a lot. You are stronger than you think, trust me. You have no idea what the future can hold. It will get better.

When you start having those thoughts again, think of the positives in your life. In every negative situation, there is always something positive. Sometimes you have to really think about it in order to see it, but it's there. Then, let it push you forward. Let it give you hope. Take life one day at a time. If you keep hanging on, you just may surprise yourself one day.

I hope this helps, and if you ever want someone to talk to, feel free to PM me, my inbox is always open.


~ Chloe
Feel free to PM me anytime.


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Re: Not able to think clearly - September 12th 2012, 06:21 AM

How can I be positive now? School had been fun before those guys started picking on me, rumours being spread. Home has never been good, I can't seem to break the feels of isolation. Steve and mum go out shopping, fishing etc. but never ask if I want to go with them.
Youth was good but my ex boyfriend looks at me with these mourning, pitiful eyes and I don't know how to talk to him, to tell him I'm sorry....

I just feel like fucking crying but the tears won't come. I can't remember the last time I actually cried myself to sleep... I feel so alone and I do have some friends on this site, I don't want to disappoint them but I already feel like I've let them down, somehow. I feel like the world's biggest complainer right now I don't want to be like this!


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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Re: Not able to think clearly - September 12th 2012, 12:56 PM

well the fact you've got friends ont hsis ite shows there is something in you worth being friends with,
and although you may not see it you are loved,

we all amke mistakes and i don't know what happened with you and your ex, but making mistakes happen.
it's how you learn from them that counts!

And i dont knwo the situiation with your mum but it's very easy as a parent to not realise the love and attention a child needs.
and normally as a child you dont realise the love they have for you, and you presume there always out to hurt and be mad at you,
if you told her how you feel honestly without being condemning or angry or acuusatory
i'm sure she would listen wheather or not she would change straight away si another thing, but at least you tried!

and getting high may be a temporary relief but it's not a solution and never will be it just makes pain worse in the long run, and things harder to deal with.
it's not a way to avoid fighting out of pain.

you say you have no support, but have you tried to access proffessional support? or you mean in other ways?

i'm hannah by the way
and i know you don't know me,
but i care......already lol.
(i'm still getting used to TH so ill try and work out how to see your response and that but if i take a while to that's why lmao!)
xxx
   
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Validity Offline
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Re: Not able to think clearly - September 13th 2012, 12:24 AM

I went to a therapist yesterday for the first time in 2 months, she's nice which makes it hard to hate her. I loathe therapists becuse I've had my fair share of shitty ones...... She says that I need support from family but mine aren't around. My youth friends are too far as well. Immediate support is next to none.......

I'm Jay, it's nice to meet you.

Jay.


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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