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wommy Offline
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Name: Angela
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Confused more now than ever. - September 16th 2012, 03:39 AM

I've never been diagnosed with depression, but I've had suicidal thoughts before in the past. The thing is, I can't ever see me committing suicide. I can't imagine dying. I can barely hold a knife. However, there are days where I just want to disappear...To leave all my problems behind.

I am 13. I have a wonderful life. I've never been abused. I've never had a horrible past. I have a perfectly good life. And sometimes, I don't feel happy with it. I have all I need! I got a family, food, shelter, all the necessary things in life. And when I get really upset, I think about how I have no reason to be upset! And that just makes me even more upset!

3 of my friends know about my problems. They are all guys, and I love them all like brothers..Except for one of them...I might like him more than that...But that's a different story...But the first one I told...I feel like he doesn't care that much..Like he'll listen to me, but I feel like I bother him too much. So I don't talk to him much. The one I sorta like has love problems of his own and I'm the one he goes to talk to, so I feel like I'm more there for him than the other way around. I just feel horrible talking about my problems when he's around. The last one I told probably knows about it the most. He has had suicidal problems of his own, and I'm there for him too. We relate to each other, and we listen. However, he got a girlfriend about 6 months ago and they love each other to death and I feel like his girlfriend doesn't really like me, so I don't bother him anymore as much. I haven't told any of my best best friends, possibly because I think they'll care too much and worry too much, and I don't want that.

Overall, sometimes I'm happy with my life, sometimes I hate it. My family doesn't help sometimes. My parents expect so much of me since I'm Asian. I have to play piano for an hour every single day. They never give me a break. My older sister doesn't care what goes on in my life. Sometimes we get along fantastically, sometimes we hate each others guts. Since I'm younger, she picks on me a lot. If there's one thing I never do, it's talk back. I never talk back to my friends, my parents, my sister, my teachers, no one. I just don't do it. I yell at them in my head, sure. But I take it all in and I make it seem like everything's all right. But it's not. It gets to me. Especially when my sister calls me fat or ugly or stupid or a loser. It gets to me. But I can't tell them that. I just can't.

So today's an okay day..I'm not too happy but I'm not too terribly upset. I just wish I could get rid of this depression forever...
   
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Re: Confused more now than ever. - September 16th 2012, 12:30 PM

Find yourself something you love to do, do it and never let go of that thing whatever it is. Mine is art, it keeps me going, if I didn't have art I wouldn't be here now most likely. Never give up, the sadness you will cause if you did kill yourself would be terribly selfish.
   
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