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There was a premonition of this happening years ago... - October 9th 2012, 06:19 AM

and I guess it's starting to happen.

As a kid I had a lot of predictions of things to pass and honestly if I made a list of them i'd just go and kill myself now. I'd rather not think of it.

Anyways. Here I am sitting in my room thinking about how pathetic of a human being I must be to still be single, not even a single female has taken interest in me. Why bother going in for work in the morning when I have nothing to look forward to in life, what's the point of saving up for college for something that I have no interest in anyways? Then I get a text from my father.

Basically, to sum it up:
" I can't think of one person that hasn't wished their father a happy birthday or christmas even. Do I even exist to you? I feel bad that you don't think of me at all "

I'll be honest. I personally have low to absolutely zero attachment for people at all. It's not that i'm not capable of it, it's just by the time the people in my life can hurt me i've already prepared for it long before they can do it themselves. So by then i'm already prepared to just let them pack their bags and leave. I wouldn't care. So obviously i'm not the type of person to typically wish people merry christmas/happy birthday.

But my father is a special case. My mother left him after he basically threatened to kill her, which was due to him being on drugs etc. I was fairly young (under 2) at the time.

Even with that, I could still visit my grandmother (He lives with her. Didn't see that one coming did you? /sarcasm)
Things went fairly smoothly for a long time. Heck I even had fun with him as he's a generally great guy when he isn't on drugs. We played megaman, mario, all of the great things together. He taught me things and overall he was a better father than my step father at the time.

Then as I got older my father either stopped trying to hide the evidence, or I was less protected from it. Likely the first, as nobody hid ANYTHING from me as a child. Pornography? Found it. Money hidden? found it. If I had an hour alone that house was searched.

I still have that habit sometimes, where if i'm at someone else's house during the night i'll have the urge to do it. But I don't, because I know I wouldn't want someone doing that in my house.

Spending 10 years watching my father casually bring home women and, at one point, women who even I could date, took a hard toll on me mentally. One day he came home and it was fairly obvious he was on drugs etc.

After a couple of threats from him like kicking in my head and etc, he decided to take a knife and ask me directly if this is what I wanted, if I wanted him dead. Obviously things were intervened by his life guardian and also his cash cow, his mother. My grandmother then told him to leave, but he asked if I had any money on me. He took about $150 and left.

Now recently he's been trying to get on my good side which is obviously never going to happen. I don't let people who are decent to me in my life, so why would I let him? Now after a few months of being unsuccessful with his attempts, he texted me that. Are people this forgetful? Or is he genuinely so ignorant that he feels that i'm the bad person not sending him happy birthday cards and such.

Seriously you people are so hopeless sometimes when it comes to memory
   
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Re: There was a premonition of this happening years ago... - October 9th 2012, 11:22 AM

hey there man, I'm sorry to hear about all this. He reminds me of the dad I never knew, no joke, my dad was a nice guy until he'd had a few beers and got stoned then he went ape shit, sort of tried to kill me when I was 8 months but yeah.

People can be that ignorant, they think time heals all wounds so they come around, text, call anything and expect you to be all happy and being like OMG it's good to see you! yada yada yada. All bull if you ask me.
You have a defence mechanism, you prepare for the worst, and well, don't really know if you hope for the best so I can't carry out the saying, haha.

All you can do is endure it, he is your dad afterall, a few calls should suffice, just don't let him see you if you don't want to. Or tell him flat out 'I don't want anything to do with you'.

Stay strong,
Jay.


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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