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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Validity Offline
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I can't take much more of this - October 13th 2012, 08:13 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Life to me: Dark, gloomy, tiresome, melancholy, miserable, ominous.

This sound liek a good life? Well, I can't take much more of this stupid life! I HATE MYSELF! Today, I have been getting pretty serious self harm urges and I've been locked in my room the whole day, no food, no nothing, and I have a pair of scissors under my bed so I grabbed them and started cutting my skin in the same spot until I made a thin line and a few spots of blood leaked through. For a first try I feel dismal I didn't do it hard. I wish I'd punctured one of the stupid veins, did I say one? I meant all! I don't want to live in this pain.
I wrote a poem after I cut and it sort of says what I want to say:
it's called Laughing In The End

When things get bad,
what do I do?
I try and bury them,
all the impossible emotions.

And you know what it does to me?
It burns me, horribly,
I don't want to live through this pain,
I'm weak, not strong.

I'm ugly, not pretty,
I'm fat, not skinny,
I'm stupid, not smart,
I'm fake, not real.

All this pain,
all this shame,
I can't deal with it anymore,
do you know how I feel?

The secrets I bear,
are too much for me,
all my problems are tossed aside,
as soon as one of my friends need help.

I'd die for them, willingly,
I'd do anything for them,
even though they wouldn't do it for me,
I'd throw myself in front of a bullet.

I'm not brave, I just don't want to live,
I'd give up my life for them,
but right now, I'd give up my life now,
right now, I can't take it!

FUCK THIS PAIN!
I WANT IT TO END!
Can't someone stop my tears?
Can't someone help me?

I don't want to fucking live,
I don't want to fucking be in this pain,
I don't want to fucking listen to another,
miniscule complaint about your fucking hair.

It's perfect, just like you,
and I'm not,
it's a laugh isn't it?
it's all a big joke.

I'll be the one laughing in the end,
I'll be the one happy that it's over,
no more tears shall be shed,
because everyone is better off when I'm gone.

Yeah, so that pretty much sums it up.
I wish I could just end my life and mum just put my pills in my room. I could take them all, right now, right this fucking second, so what holds me back?

Jay.


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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Re: I can't take much more of this - October 13th 2012, 11:44 AM

Hey Jay,

What holds you back? If you want my opinion, I'd say it sounds like you still have some hope that things can get better. This is great. You're in a lot of pain right now, but you're working to express your feelings through poetry and you've also chosen to post here asking for help. This is very encouraging, and I hope you're able to see that. What you're doing right now -- reaching out -- is a display of strength and definitely contradicts the notion that you're weak.

I think many people mistakenly believe that if you're a strong person, you will feel strong all the time. I used to believe that this was true, but I've recently come to find that it's not at all. It's okay to be hurt, it's okay to feel weak. We all do at some point. But that doesn't mean that you are weak. There is a fine line between feeling and believing. Our emotions don't always accurately reflect the reality of the situation. As it has been said: Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes, courage is the tiny voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." That is what strength is, and you have it.

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way, though. It sounds like you're really hurting right now. Thank you for having the strength to come forward and talk to us about what is going on right now. I am really grateful that you posted here so that we can help you. When you're in that much pain, it can definitely seem like it will never end. You seem to have a lot of self-loathing thoughts. May I ask how long you've felt this way? Where do these thoughts stem from? You also mention having some suicidal thoughts here. If you are feeling unsafe right now, please call your local emergency number (in the States, it's 911 but I don't know what it is in other countries) or go to the ER. Is there anyone in your life that you could possibly approach with this? A teacher? A guidance counselor? A parent? I know that it might feel like nobody cares at this point in time, but the people in your life do care and want to help you. You're important to them. Your life is important to them. You'd be surprised.

As someone who has been there, I know how scary it is to let someone in on how you're feeling, especially when those thoughts are of a serious nature. However, I can also tell you that I have had a lot of good experiences talking to people. I have received so much understanding from teachers, my former guidance counselor, my therapist, and hospital staff. Even my parents. They were scared for me at first, but once they spoke to my doctors and learned more about my condition, they were totally on-board. You don't have to be ashamed.

I'm going to direct you to some very helpful resources that we have here on TeenHelp. First, the Who Can Help Me? thread can help to give you some idea of who you can approach with this information. I'd also like you to take a look at the Reasons to Live thread, because you have so much to live for. You may even want to consider making your own list. That's something that I have done in the past and it helped me SO MUCH.

Here is also a list of hotlines that you can call if you're feeling unsafe. Please don't hesitate to use them! It can help to distract yourself from self-harm and suicidal thoughts as well. Maybe you could try doing something nice for yourself instead of hurting yourself. I know it's hard, believe me. You mention not feeling pretty in your poem (which, by the way, isn't true -- you're beautiful!!). Perhaps you could try doing something to help yourself feel better about the way you look. For example, taking a nice shower and using some really nice smelling lotion helps me feel better about myself when I'm feeling particularly unattractive.

You don't have to be in pain. We're here for you, and help is available.

All the best,
Kylie
   
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Re: I can't take much more of this - October 13th 2012, 12:03 PM

Hey Kylie, it's okay to call you Kylie right?

What holds me back is that I've broken my promises to my mum and now I don't want to break my promise to the guy I like, I promised I'd stick around and fight but now it just feels so good to just hold those pills in your hand, counting them and realising how many mg's you'd be taking.

I think the thoughts stem for my hatred at how I've acted in the past, that I've always had evil tendencies, I had an interschool suspension in year 3 :/ and i've done a lot of things I'm not proud of. Plus, I have terrible self-esteem since when I asked out a guy he turned to me and said 'fuck off you fat, ugly slut, who the hell would go out with you'. A few years ago I didn't think I was that bad off and it just grew and grew to the point when I look in the mirror I just feel sick and I hardly want to eat anymore but I force myself to, or toss half in my bin.
I've had suicidal intentions since I was 8 but they went away for 3 years and then I developed PTSD as well, and I don't want to worry my mum. She found out about my sh and made me promise not to do it again and not to cut. I broke the first, burning myself that weekend, and then I cut today so I broke both. And when I ran away a few days ago she had this pitiful face, full of disappointment looking at me. I couldn't tell her, and when I go to a therapist appointment she has my therapist after my appt. so I feel unsafe in telling my therapist anyone. The only person I think I can tell is my old japanese teacher, he always says hello to me and tells me I'll be an amazing author one day so he always fills me with hope.

I'm too much of a disappointment and I hate having sympathy directed towards me so I generally keep everything quiet. I know my friends want to be there for me, but one told me I had nothing to cause me to feel this way and told me to grow up and to get my act together, so naturally I feel like everyone will be like that now.

I usually use this soap called Black Magic or something like that, forbidden forest, or something, it's made my Lux, and it smells really nice but doesn't help.

This site and many members have helped me, you included now, but it would be much more satisfactory if I could have some support and a shoulder to cry on face to face. I mean, sure, I have an old youth pastor, he always makes me cry for some reason, and I could talk to Ben (teacher) but I doubt they can really help me. When I ran away and I wanted to jump off a bridge I texted L (youth pastor) and he rang me and was like are you okay and I started crying, only a few tears slid down my cheeks though, it's getting harder to cry, anyway we had this talk and all he was saying was 'yeah, I know how hard it is' 'yeah' 'is there any way of getting your mum out of the room' 'yeah' he didn't really help and said, listen I'm going to talk to my wife and then ring you back. And when he rang me back he told me I was a mature girl and I could always talk to E (current youth pastor) if I ever needed someone to talk to.
Didn't really help but the walk and pain induced did.
I suppose, people just don't know how to help face to face anymore.

Jay.


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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Re: I can't take much more of this - October 13th 2012, 02:25 PM

Your mom cares about you, that's why she made you promise not to harm yourself. She loves you so much.
You know how much pain you are in, why do you want to cause this pain for your mom? I know you don't, because you felt bad that you had broken your promise to her.

Don't beat yourself up over what that jerk called you. He is so not even worth it! Who cares what he thinks? You shouldn't. You are beautiful inside, and out.

You gotta stop being so negative about things, and people around you. We talk ourselves into being depressed, because we build one negative thought onto another. Turn your back on depression, and walk towards happiness.
Jesus can help you walk towards happiness, because he is happiness, and love.

Think positive thoughts. There are so many people that care for you, and love you. That is huge.
Go for a walk outside, and look around. This world is soooooo beautiful.

Tell your mom how you feel, because it helps to get things off your chest, and it helps say things out loud to someone that cares about you.

PM if you ever want to talk, or just need to get things off your chest.


(I had a much longer, and nicer sounding post, but when I went to post it, it gave an error, and I forgot everything I wanted to say. So bare with me please, I don't mean to sound harsh at all. I just really want to help you get through this.)


I try my best to help, but that doesn't always mean I will be helpful.

   
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Re: I can't take much more of this - October 13th 2012, 05:06 PM

That guy is such a dick, fuck what he said. Only a few % of people would actually be that balls uptight to say that, and really, looks are overrated in the dating game. Well, it is a easy mode if you look good, but ultimately, you'd choose base on your experience with them.

I've always looked to teachers as inspiration too, I figure their adults and can sympathize alot from their ancient tales. However, the TH experience is not that common.
mmmmmMmmMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
I'm in a slump right now as well, so you can pm me if you'd like to talk. I'd love to actually, cause I'm getting shit on with negativity. I only go on nights though because I don't want my judgmental family to know I have issues.

To tell you the truth, you've gotta wait for happiness. Opportunities will rise.... and you need to snatch it tight. I'm in the process of finding such opportunity... namely, when I get a job (because my reputation is so bad in school that it's murderously pressuring me to talk to people, and I'm not even myself, I'm seen as a shy, angelic kid when I'm not an angel at all. I don't even want to be called an angel cause I do alot of shit..) a job would introduce new people, in a place where they don't see me as a shy guy, cause I'm not. I fucking love to debate in Social Studies, but I'm limited.
Normal's overrated. Final fantasy CC quote


What lies ahead is unknown. However, in some times, I've sighted several smooth pavements. I myself am the mender of roads, and it is with these we work on.
   
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Re: I can't take much more of this - October 13th 2012, 11:56 PM

No, my mum is just embarrassed to have me as a daughter. If I talked to her, she'd send me into a psyche unit and I don't want that. I just wish I could die. I know the exact amount which would lead to overdose with the tablets I take. If I even took two I could die, but imagine what would happen if I gulped down ten. Death would be inevitable and I can't wait to fucking die. It's just too much for one person to take. I'm always cruising the depression and suicide forum, telling people it's worth it. Ha, too bitter for me to swallow because I just can't take my own advice.

Thanks Justacityboy, I may send you a message soon. I just don't know what the time difference is, I'll look it up and then shoot you a PM.

Jay.


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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