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the_other_girl Offline
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Exclamation I Don't Know... - October 29th 2012, 03:53 PM

I've been depressed since I was eleven. In April this year, I stopped eating. I've lost almost [X]. I've been in an abusive relationship for a little over two years (on and off,) that recently ended. On Friday, I went on a date with this SUPREMELY cute/amazing/funny/lovable/gorgeous guy that I've had a crush on since 6th grade. Anyway, we kissed several times and talked about getting back together some time, except now he won't talk to me. This happened last time except I sent him some things that I regret and he didn't talk to me for months.

But I should have seen this coming. I mean, boys don't like me. People tell me I'm 'not that pretty' and 'oddly shaped and big.' My cheer coach makes it obvious that I'm the fattest girl on the team.

The other boys that have done this are 1.) Drake. 2.) Jacob. 3.) Blake. 4.) Colton. 5.) Devin.

In January, I attempted suicide. I probably swallowed at least [X], but I told my mom that I only [X]. I can't remember a whole lot except that my parents told me I was an 'ungrateful bitch' and told me I was worthless and that they regretted having me. I went upstairs, took an old Dr. Pepper out of the bathroom and took half the bottle of some medicine that my mom used to take. I sat on my bench in front of my mirror crying, trying to put on makeup to make myself pretty because I believed to heart what everyone told me.
I called my friend and he told me to go to sleep that I would be fine in the morning.
When I closed my eyes, all of these things started to pop into my head; me walking down the isle, me having a baby, me raising a family, etc. I broke down again. I stumbled into the bathroom and tried to force the pills up; but nothing came out. I fell onto the floor and clasped my hands together and said, and I quote; God, if you really do exist, please save me.
And then I told my parents.
My mom rushed me to the hospital.
I later found out that she took me to the farthest one from my home so that no one would see HER with me, dying in the passenger seat.

It was stupid.
I am stupid.

But I self-harm. No one knows but my ex, and I don't know how to stop. I won't do it for a week, and then I crave the blood and it comes pouring from my stomach or arm. I'm such a failure.

But now I'm going through the same things again. People telling me that they don't care about me, people PRETENDING to be my friends, then going behind my back and calling me fat and weird, boys using me, my family ignoring me, my ex boyfriend abusing me.

I don't want to die again, but I don't want to be here. Will someone please help me?

Last edited by Palmolive; October 29th 2012 at 05:21 PM. Reason: Removing triggering content and weight numbers (Weight numbers are not allowed on teenhelp!)
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Palmolive Offline
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Re: I Don't Know... - October 29th 2012, 10:42 PM

I'm really sorry that you've been feeling depressed Can I ask whether you have been diagnosed with depression or another mental health illness? Feeling the way you feel and thinking the way you think isn't very nice at all and I honestly think that you've done really well to come to us and talk to us about what is going on for you right now. I hope that you're proud of yourself for doing so.

I'm glad that the abusive relationship you have been in and out of is now off. Do you think you will continue to go your separate ways or do you haver any thoughts or plans in your mind of getting back together with this guy? If you do, I really think you need to take this seriously and think hard about it. Being in an abusive relationship is a horrible thing to have to experience and you shouldn't have to go through it. You deserve more than it. Think twice in the future and think about your safety and health.

I'm glad the date went well for you on Friday. I hope you had a real good time because you definitely deserve to have had a good time! Do you have any idea what so ever as to why this guy was somewhat all over you on Friday and now seems to be ignoring you and pushing you away? If not maybe this is something you can try and talk to him about to see what's going on there? Boys do like you but some boys aren't good at relationships and girls just like some girls. Not every boys is going to be the one for you but I honestly believe that there is someone out there just for you. Can I ask you who it is that tells you you're not pretty and that you are big? I don't think they are very nice things for people to be saying to you. Does your coach engage in this behaviour towards you?

I'm really sorry to hear that you felt so low you attempted suicide. I've been there and I can relate to how that feels. From what you have said, your mum doesn't sound as though she was very supportive to you through this. In fact, she said some harsh things. How did you feel about that? What involved popped into your head. They're all aims and goals you clearly have for the future and I think it' very important that you try hard to continue to hold onto these things. Make your own list of reasons to list. That might be really helpful for you too.

Self harm is a difficult thing to stop once you have started. But you need to know that you're worth more than the pain. It's not going to help you, not really. If self harm worked, then we wouldn't keep on going back to it. Have you looked at our list of alternatives? It might help you to do so but its important you understand that trying these things is a trial and error process. Different things work for different people and so it's going to take some time to know what helps you the best. And its important that while you are finding what helps you the most, that you don't give in when you try things and they don't work. At the end of the day, the only person who can stop yourself from self harming, is in fact yourself. You're in control of you and that's down to you. You can beat it.

And don't be alone talk to people. We're always here for you and you're always more than welcome to talk to us but I think it might be good for you to have the support back home too. Are you in education? Could you talk to a teacher/tutor or a school/college nurse/counsellor? You could even talk to your doctor and use helplines when you are really struggling. All these people care and can help but you have to let them in in order for them to be able to do so.

Keep on smiling. I know this is hard for you now but it's not going to last for ever. Keep on fighting through this because recovery is possible. Believe in yourself.

"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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