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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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_Valarie_ Offline
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Post Hello again, Suicide - November 10th 2012, 03:37 AM

I don't know why I'm writing this LONG entry. I don't know what I'm trying to get out of this entry. Maybe it's because I want to share my thoughts with someone other than myself? Either way, feel free to leave a comment or something after reading this. Would LOVE to hear what you have to say.

Honestly, I'm a rational person and I understand that wanting to kill myself isn't a rational thought. Yet here I find myself again--wanting to end my life and just make everything go away. I've thought about suicide before--especially during my senior year last year. Back then, I've even went as far as slightly cutting my wrist--it left a small scar but it wasn't really anything (looked like a cat scratch), and scratching away at my forearm until I had a huge scrape (looked like i fell off a bike or something). But before doing any of this, I really thought it. I was thinking of different methods--pills, cutting myself, starvation, dehydration, hypothermia (I'm totally serious about this last one)--and the outcome of them. Though the idea of killing myself was irrational I was thinking clearly about my actions. And now--while I'm writing this--I'm thinking about it again. This time, however, I have the option to take my car and just ram it into something at high speed.

*heavy sigh* I'm still in touch with my two best friends who are in a different college, I have new friends at my college, I'm doing very well my first year of college, just got a raise from 7.25 to $8 at work (and I'm still a beginner so that's REALLY good), I'm friends with the people I work with. Life isn't "bad". Yet I still want to end my life.

I feel like a total hypocrite because I'm always advising my friends that they shouldn't commit suicide because it's like taking the easy way out life--that there's always something to look forward to. But for me, I'm just sick and tired of having to live. The only thing that's really stopping me from killing myself through the methods mentioned above is that A) the method of choice might take too long or B) I'm not going to die/be "saved".
   
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Re: Hello again, Suicide - November 10th 2012, 05:57 AM

Well for starters, suicide doesn't "take it all away". Think of your family and friends. Knowing you are gone and left in such a tragic way, that feeling will NEVER be taken away from them. They will live with that for the rest of their lives. You said you have told friends not to end their life. How would you feel if they did? You'd feel the way they would if you were gone. Don't ever let that be a possibility. You're 19 years old hun, i'm only a year younger than you. There's so much I haven't done. We've hardly begun to live yet. The way things are will not be the same in adulthood. You will be a much different person and living a different life. You will think back on these days and think "Wow, I can't believe I wanted to go." Will be thankful you didn't. Nothing is so bad that death should be the only way out. You deserve to live as every other person does. Lets put it this way, I know how it feels okay? I have wanted to die too. I have wanted to cut. Have I tried ether one? No. Why? Because of 3 things. 2 nephews and my best friend. I cannot and will not leave my baby nephews in the world without an auntie. They need me in their life just as I need them in mine. My best friend is my world, I adore her and she doesn't know how many times she's kept me going through the absolute worse of times. When I wanted no way out, but still had one. I've also been on the other side, the friend side. There are no words to describe the terror, fear, and hurt that is felt when you know a friend wants to die. I have a friend that has tried and thankfully failed a few times. I look after her every single day, always making sure she's alright and the only thing I ever want to do is make her happy. There must be someone in your life that you love that much or that loves you. Everyone is loved by someone. Please think of all this cause I promise you, the way you feel now, you won't feel like this for long. When I say long, I mean forever.


   
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