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Jude27 Offline
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I feel like I am worthless (sorry this is long) - November 12th 2012, 07:52 PM

I feel like I am worthless.
If I am to find the root of all my problems, I think it is that.

The difficulty however is explaining the “why” to this, however. There are hundreds of pieces to the puzzle and, without every single piece, I seem illogical. True, I can stop myself right here and say that this all is illogical because I know that I am not worthless. However, the problem not that I “know” I am, but that I feel like I am. Thus, all arguments that try to prove to me that I am not worthless are sort of missing the mark, since I already know that I am not. I have to find a way to feel like I am not as well. The whole problem, therefore, is “logically illogical.” Such paradoxical statements are somewhat a theme of my life..

Anyhow, when explaining the “why,” there are four components. While none of the components can be counted as the “main” reason, they all play a major role in my reasoning. They are as follows:

1) Nature
2) Younger life experiences
3) College experiences
4) Recent experiences

Nature:
Firstly, I am the combination, genetically, of two very different people. My dad is outgoing, while my mom is reserved. My dad has little awareness of social queues, while my mom is extremely attentive. Both my parents are also quite smart and thoughtful. I am all of these things. When I am comfortable and in a good mood, I am like my dad. When I am uncomfortable, I am more reserved like my mom. As well, my Dad has bipolar tendencies, and my mom has anxiety. I probably have somewhat of both. More anxiety, however. Because of all this, I introduce my second paradox: I am an extrovert with social anxiety, by nature. Lastly, my dad is both very idealistic, takes everything that happens in life personally, is a hopeless romantic, and has an urge to solve problems immediately. I have all those characteristics.

Because of this, the quality of my day-to-day life is either really good or really bad. If life is going the way I want it to (and if I am fulfilling my ideals of life), I am in a very good mood and am outgoing and things are just good. If my ideals of life are not being met, I feel as if I need to fix the situation immediately, that its somehow my fault or related to myself, am now anxious, etc. When something is out of my control or is not related to me in the slightest, I still feel this way and it clearly is not a good thing… as I have no control over it.

What are my “idealistic” beliefs? Well, I place friendship and others way above myself and feel as if I need to be able to trust someone and need to feel like people can trust me. I define myself by these relationships and these type of relationships are directly linked to my self-worth. I am extremely independent when it comes to non-emotion things, such as jobs and schoolwork and such, but those aspects of my life are simply not valued by me at all. The fact that I can do well at finding a job and succeeding academically and financially is a given for me, and I just do not care anymore. Emotionally, however, I probably am dependent on others. I can maintain myself, but really feel as if I am a better person when I can trust / be trusted by people. Trust is a key word.

Younger life experiences:
Of all the components, this is probably the least influential. However, it still can play a role. When I was a kid, my friends moved to a different school and I became an outcast of the other friend groups. I missed out on a lot of social development that I had to eventually make up when I was older. I was teased a lot, needlessly, and even when I was young, I was used to people not caring.

Older life experiences:
My first relationship lasted for 3.5 years. I was extremely idealistic and young. When she cheated and I found out, she thought it would be best to not talk to me again completely, ever. It was the easy way out. She cared, but I was extremely naive and didn’t know how to handle it, and she knew that. Even so, because of the abrupt end, I ended up questioning everything about myself; I questioned my worth as a person, my character, my personality, my ability to be a friend, my ability to solve problems, everything. I concluded, after a year of depression where I lost 15pounds, that I was not as good of a person as I thought I was. I now don’t care about what happened in this relationship, though I feel as if I still am somewhat scarred and still am trying to prove to myself that I am worth something.


Over that summer, I had the potential to start another relationship with someone else, but I did not feel like I was worthwhile or capable of anything.

Near the spring of the next year, a friend helped me somewhat pick up the pieces. However, circumstances made it so that I wasn’t able to be their friend anymore.

Later in the spring, I was pushed into a relationship by my “best friend.” I was still not ready, though was almost there. From the start, I knew that I couldn’t make it work out long term if I started it now, but my friend said, and I quote, “that I was being stupid.” So, I did it. The girl was a great person and I ended up dating her for a year. It wasn’t the best match, but still was pretty good. However, the whole time, I knew that I should not have started it so soon and I kept telling her that, but she did not exactly understand what she could do to help. Really, there was nothing she could do to help. A relationship does not work for me unless if I was already “falling” for the person beforehand. Of anything, I regret the way this relationship ended up ending, because of anyone I dated, she probably cared the most about me. However, I could not maintain it because I fucked it up from the beginning for allowing myself to be pushed into it, and she wasn’t capable of understanding how to fix that. I don’t know if there was any way to do so. Anyways, what I learned from this relationship is that I am fucked up and will ruin something great, even when that person cares.


College experiences:
Within the first week of the second year of college, I probably did the worst thing possible for me… I fell for someone that completely can never work for me… It’s complicated. I don’t know if someone could share more similar interests, and I care extremely a lot for her wellbeing, but I do not know if anyone has hurt me more, and I just don’t know.. It’s complicated. The third week of college, she ended up dating my “best friend” while keep mixing him up with me. That ended. After she dated around five other people (and a year later) she ended up dating me. However, I did not really get to “date” her, for everyone in my friend group hated that I was dating her and, though she is oblivious to those types of things, I had to act differently to appease those other people. As well, we were never intimately involved, nor did she communicate or share any of her personal side with me. Basically, I didn’t feel as if she tried at all. She ended up letting someone flirt with her at a party while sitting right next to me… and left me a week later for him. She said it wasn’t me, that it was just her being fickle (which I knew she was and I accepted that beforehand), but that whole experience further made me realize that I was worthless. After that, she also dated an ex roommate of mine as well. What did I learn from this experience? That affection, the one thing I like most about relationships, is bad… and that if I don’t live apathetically (the opposite of my personality) like everyone else does, I will get kicked in the face by life over and over again.

A year after all that, we became quite good friends again during the next summer. During the first month of the next school year, I told her that I still liked her. I needed to be honest because that whole apathy way of living was just… not a healthy way to live. She said that she knew and that the way I felt was okay. We both knew that we still needed to be friends, but at least we could be close friends + I didn’t have to hate myself for liking her.

The day after that, though, she kinda stopped talking to me for a week. A week later she pretended like nothing happened. A week later she started dating someone else in a “poly” relationship.


A week after that, I probably had the worst night of my life (and the start of a horrible sequence of types of night for throughout this semester). We all went to a party and they called people to come over. They got really drunk and started making out with people. I didn’t know what to do and was really anxious, because it was really weird (we weren’t even supposed to be in that house) and I was, for the most part, being ignored. The only way I left that house was to get really drunk.

Every week after that, she started talking to me less and less, and started getting more sexually active with random people that she didn’t even know well. This happened several times when she was even in the same room with me. She even was insensitive enough to make out with one of my exes (not discussed here) 20min after me and one of my ex made up / forgave each other for drama.

Basically, I ended up realizing that I cannot trust her to be my friend. At all. She said that it was okay that I liked her, and then she basically metaphorically kicks me in the face and didn’t give two shits about being even my friend. Things hurt. Actions have consequences. She is living her own life and being her own person but she doesn’t even care if I get hurt, nor if anyone else does.


Anyways,
Combination of all those things = I feel like I am worthless. I am not proud of anything I’ve done with my life, and I cannot trust the people I care the most about.
   
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Re: I feel like I am worthless (sorry this is long) - November 12th 2012, 10:01 PM

A lot of what you have described is very similar to what I have gone through. The only difference was that instead of cheating, the person I was in love with just said he "didn't love me anymore", which made me feel even more worthless. By the sounds of your story, you lean on people a lot which makes you very vulnerable to being let down. This isn't a bad thing, it just means you need to be careful. Try not to open your emotions so easily to other people. I'm not saying close yourself off, I'm just saying try to guard yourself a little bit so that you are not so easily hurt. I think another good thing for you would be to 'start again'. Easier said than done but it is possible and makes the world of difference, trust me! Try to distance yourself from the people who cause / have caused you pain and go out and socialize. Find some new friends and have a good time with them. Don't cut off your old friends, but surround yourself with new positive people. Now remember what you did wrong last time and try to make yourself a better person. Learn from your mistakes and don't make them again. It will be much easier to try to be a better person with these new people than the old people who know your history. A fresh start is very empowering. You will soon notice that rather than trying to make yourself feel like you are worth something, it will just naturally happen. But remember that it is human nature to make mistakes. You will do stupid things that will make you feel awful again, but just brush yourself down and go back to basics. I hope this helped x
   
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Re: I feel like I am worthless (sorry this is long) - November 13th 2012, 12:03 PM

You're not worthless because of bad relationships. You aren't worthless at all.

You're human, humans make mistakes, it's genetically impossible not to make mistakes.

You are not defined by whom you date, you're defined by you. And you sound like a pretty nice guy whom has just gone through the motions.

Stay strong,

Jay.


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
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My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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Re: I feel like I am worthless (sorry this is long) - November 13th 2012, 03:30 PM

Hello.

Being that you're the same age as I am, I hope to be able to relate to you and your situation.

Let's start out with this. You are NOT worthless. No human being is ever worthless. Everybody is special and beautiful.

Your four components of why you think you are worthless, seem to make me think of past experiences. Although it sounds like you have had some bad experiences in younger life and college relationships, don't let these get to you and affect the way you perceive yourself.
I'm so sorry that you were cheated on and have a difficult time opening up/finding that special someone. I would suggest guarding your heart just a little and always try to befriend someone before falling for them. Starting off as friends will def. help your heart in regards to just falling for someone and than having the relationship fall apart.

I hope this helps, and I hope you can love yourself and see that you are not worthless!
   
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Re: I feel like I am worthless (sorry this is long) - November 18th 2012, 06:11 AM

Thank you guys for replying.

I just had another somewhat awful night and am really down… and I don’t really have anyone to talk to.

I do probably trust people too easy. But it also is just a part of who I am. I try really really hard to be a good person and I always try to be completely genuine. It really hurts when being true to myself kicks me in the ass.

For example… one of my ex’s came up to me at a party today and just started apologizing. She was drunk, but she was sincere. She kept saying that she just couldn’t do it because she thought I was “too good of a person.” She isn’t the first person that told me that. What the hell does that even mean? She said she just was afraid she would hurt me and didn’t think she, as a person, deserved me. How is that supposed to even make me feel?

If I’m such a great person, why do things never work out? Ever?

Also, yea, I constantly DO try to “start over.” I literally made my social group of friends by making a student organization at college. I keep trying to branch out and find more, too. I am an extrovert with social anxiety disorder and I force myself to go out and be with people because I am happier with people when I am not. I go to parties and all the things.

The problem is, all these parties, I just get ignored. It’s not because I am not attractive or do not have a good personality, people like me just fine. I just… kinda get forgotten. I have no one to talk to and everyone else is doing their own thing. It makes me feel worthless and insignificant. I just think that everyone is at the point of their lives where they want to be wild and crazy at parties. I mean, I don’t necessarily dislike these kinds of parties that have been happening lately… just, no one really seems to bother to care that I exist. Its not really fun where everyone is going wild and I am in a corner. Probably because everyone just thinks I’m too “good of a person.” What a fucking cop out.

And then, every party, I watch all the boys going for the girl that I’ve liked for 2 years (that I talked about), just so that they can take advantage of her and be with her physically. She doesn’t know that they don’t give a fuck about her, but I do. I’ve heard them. EG “Yeah so at my party, I was about to be with [girl] but [guy 2] went and took her home instead. So at [guy 2]’s birthday party, I fucked [guy 2]’s sister and then went up to [guy 2] and said, ‘that’s for stealing [girl] away!” What fucking tools. And she unfortunately cannot see when people are being dicks or not. In fact, dicks get a long with her better than most people, because she is turned off by people who actually DO give shits about her well being. Jerks like guy 1 and 2 don’t give a fuck (other then on a stupid superficial level), so she gets a long just fine.

Also, on another note, today my friends were all telling me how they need to find a way to hook up [other random girl] with [one of my best friends] and were trying to get me to help, while I actually have a huge crush on [other random girl]… They don’t even assume that I would be interested in anyone.


I don’t understand. It’s like, I don’t deserve to be happy or to be with anyone?
The reason I feel fucking worthless is because I don’t think anyone gives a shit about me. At least, nothing beyond a friend level.

Me as a human person though? I don’t think anyone cares.
   
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Re: I feel like I am worthless (sorry this is long) - November 18th 2012, 06:13 AM

I don't even want to be alive sometimes.
Not that I would ever hurt myself.
I feel like I am being fucking selfish whenever I am even sad.
There is nothing more selfish than me hurting myself..
I just, sometimes I don't think life is worth it.
I desperately need something to live for..


I'm really kinda sad right now..
   
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Re: I feel like I am worthless (sorry this is long) - November 18th 2012, 11:20 AM

Hey there, if you want to rant/talk, I'm here for another hour at least (its 11:20 pm my time) So don't hesitate!

Jay.


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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