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Sour Offline
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Name: Amanda
Age: 22
Gender: Female
Location: Idaho

Posts: 14
Join Date: June 29th 2012

Exclamation Existing Is A Bigger Challenge - November 14th 2012, 11:56 PM

How ungrateful am I, pitying myself when other kids are dying of leukemia? I have to accept fate. It was my fault, my mistake, and now I have to own up. I don't need pity. I only want love. That's all that matters right now. I wanted to be a doctor; to help cure other people. I can't even save myself.

I heard that dying feels like drowning. I know that feeling. I hope that dying feels like anesthesia. It's so much better than struggling to breathe. I have sleep paralysis most times at night. I can guess that's what dying feels like. Trapped in your own body. Shallow breathing. Can't move anything. It usually lasts for hours until I can finally move again. It's incurable and I struggle with it every night.

I have a lot of problems, diseases, and conditions. Asthma, Autism, Triple X Syndrome, Ulcerative Colitis, Raynaud's Disease, Levator syndrome, Sinusitis, Sleep paralysis, Clinodactyly, Marfan syndrome, Monovision, OCD, MPD/DID. I only count myself lucky because I don't have a kind of cancer or epilepsy.

  • I take two capsules, and two pills every day. One (capsules) is for my autism, the other is for Acid reflux. The two pills help my asthma calm down. If I forget to take my pills, which I've done before, I become ill within a matter of hours. I have to take them.
  • I have to take a special kind of suppository for my colitis. It's not an "ew" factor for me because it's my daily life.
  • I have an emergency inhaler and oxygen tank.
  • I have insomnia and sleep paralysis. I only sleep fours hours a day, which gives me bad headaches. I have been diagnosed with Irregular sleep–wake rhythm.
  • Levator syndrome is extremely painful. Imagine that twisty feeling during a stomach cramp in your bowels/intestines. It's far worse than a stomach cramp.
  • My fingers and hands are always blue because of Raynaud's disease. I wear heating pads and warm blankets nearly everyday.
  • Colitis makes it difficult to have a bowel movement.
  • Triple X Syndrome is in ties with my Autism. I have trouble understanding patterns but I enjoy doing puzzles and riddles. Triple X slows down puberty slightly.
  • I am underweight. I have struggled with weight problems since I was 11. I've never gagged myself but I would stop eating for a while.

There is no happiness in my life. I am growing farther apart from my family. I feel like giving up. Sometimes I pray for God to take me away in my sleep. Dying is so easy. Living is an obstacle I can't get around. No easy way around it. I don't know what to do anymore. I hate having so many burdens on my shoulders. I hate being in pain. I hate being at such a risk of having terminal illness. I want to die a painless death, but it seems near impossible.
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Validity Offline
I can't get enough
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Name: Jay
Age: 22
Gender: Female
Location: In the deep, dark, treacherous place called my mind. Oh and Australia!

Posts: 2,459
Blog Entries: 23
Join Date: August 24th 2012

Re: Existing Is A Bigger Challenge - November 19th 2012, 02:49 PM

Hey there,

I am so sorry to hear how much you are struggling. You aren't selfish, far from it. Listen, suicide isn't the answer, who knows, you COULD still be a doctor and help cure/help others whom are diagnosed with the same thing as you. IN the future somebody may come up with cures for these things. You never know what the future holds so don't give up.

Feel free to message me if you'd like to talk, I'm always free. Also, I apologise for the lack of responses.


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
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