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Name: Lizzie Gray
Age: 23
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Location: East Midlands, UK

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Unhappy As low as I've ever been. - November 27th 2012, 01:15 AM

I guess what I'm about to type I could have placed into alot of these forums, but overall they are making me become depressed. To start with I fell in love with this girl and she was the first person I had ever kissed or really proper loved, but she didn't want to be with me because she is having problems of her own and feels like she would just use me. Consequently, myself being very self loathing I feel absolute shit right now. I feel not good enough for anyone or anything. I have been infactuated with this girl for a while and I thought I was ready to move on, but everytime I get close to letting go of her I don't want to, so I become even more clingey and emotional. Its like a horrible vicous circle really. The effects of this sad feeling have started to hit me bad. I feel exhausted and I hate being alone, because than its just me and my head and thats bad. I have recently begun self harming, just because I want to feel like there is some reason for my breakdown I may be having. Also, I feel it is a bit attention seeking, eventhough I am loved and stuff, I don't know why. I'm struggling at school, I have always been bright, but the pressure has started to hit me and I just have no motivation like I once did at the beginning of college. I feel like I should be putting on a mask and getting on with my life, like it appears everyone does, but I just can't do this. I wear my emotions on my sleeve as much as I would love to hide them. Again, I think this is part of the attention seeking. Oh, and also I have stopped eating. I don't know if this is some part of my subconcious telling me to obtain a partner I must be thin and pretty, but this is worrying me and making me feel guilty. At the moment though, as I write at night alone in my room. I feel like I could just end it. There is literally nothing happy in my life anymore. The only person who made me happy was this girl and now I'm destroying her with my pain, which she has to watch my go through everyday. Its possible if I was with her now, I would feel happy, but I'm not. I'm just thinking whats the point. What is the actually fucking point. I have nothing to live for. I'm going to fail my exams and die alone, because I am so shit nobody wants me. I don't know what to do. I've never felt so low in my entire life. I am generally a low cynical person, but this is something different. If I was mature I could get through this and be a better person for her, but I'm not and I'm probably just scaring her off. Anyway, how am I supposed to feel happy again? How do I make these thoughts go away. I want to get back to the person I was and not this thing I have become. I can't really talk to anyone about my feelings. I hate talking to my parents, my highschool friends are all happy in relationships so they don't really care about me, my college friends want me to open up to them, but I can't because they don't know about my feelings towards this girl. And her, the one thing that makes me remotely happy, I feel is the only person I can and want to talk to, but I never get time alone with her.
   
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Re: As low as I've ever been. - November 29th 2012, 09:52 PM

Hey Lizzie! I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
I'd like to first say you should feel proud of yourself for posting on these forums. You could have just kept all these emotions and thoughts to yourself and did nothing but this shows you wanna make things better in your life and get help by this.
Thank you for being so brave and posting here.

Can you talk to her and tell her she won't be "using you" and that you're there for her and just explain how much you care? That way you can help someone that you really care about. As for your depression, I really don't think you're destroying her. That's the depression trying to turn this around on you into thinking everything's your fault and just destroy love for yourself. I understand wearing your emotions on your sleeve and becoming clingy and just loving someone so much that you begin a vicious cycle and just don't know what to do. I'm sorry you're going through that. All I can say is, if you can't get together with this girl, then I say, now I know this will be so hard but just let go. It'll only have a worse effect on you as time goes on like this. End it before it ends you. I know you care a lot but this girl isn't on the effort of making things work even through tough times then all this
pain isn't worth going through. You are worth something. You're a special person that deserves the best. Instead of being alone how about spending time with your parents or siblings/cousins or other family? Or getting a pet to hold. Something to love unconditionally. It's a cute distraction from all the bad things. Let it be a source of happiness. After all this you'll feel better and be able to move on. You won't always be alone honey. You'll find someone that loves you for who you are and accepts you. Just have faith and see the good things in the bad things. You'll become stronger everyday.
Attention seeking is still a sign of sadness and depression, you just want to know someone cares about you. That you're worth something. Don't end your life. It won't always be like this. People care about you. God loves you and wants you to come out of this stronger than ever.

We can be friends if you like. You can PM/VM me anytime you're feeling sad or lonely, you never have to feel like a burden around me. I can listen and try to help. I understand how you feel, I've been there. I can tell you it does get better. Hang in there and stay strong sweetie. I'm always here for you. <3

Hope I helped. c:

~ Christabel
   
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Re: As low as I've ever been. - November 29th 2012, 10:34 PM

Hello,

My name is Beth. I read your post here and while reading it, I couldn't stop thinking
"Wow this was me back in the day" Because it's very much true! I loved someone so much that they were the first thing I thought of in the morning, wondering how they were during school and the last thing I thought of at night. I was in love with this person! I went to youth group with them, we hung out after school and on weekends and summer holiday. I once baked him 50 cupcakes for his birthday once! He ate every single one of them I thought him and I are MEANT TO BE, I want him, i want to have babies with him and grow old. But............He didn't think of me in that way ever. I was a friend. He knew that I wanted to be with him, but He turned me down. It hurt! I cried myself to sleep every night in the 11th grade. I was so depressed, I thought of ending my life, I thought what can I do to make myself more attractive to him, I became sullen and my friends didn't even recognize me anymore. The breakdown bit you mentioned??? Yup been there, landed in the mental ward for two weeks! I'm telling you all this now because that was 9 years ago! People back then told me that I will get over him and move on, and of course I thought no I won't I will forever love this person...But I'm telling you right now that you WILL. I don't know you at all but I can tell you that you have a bright future ahead of you. You will find the right girl for you! She's out there waiting for you to take her hand in yours and make her the happiest she's ever been. I bet right now she is also crying and feeling lonely. It all sounds cheesy I know, believe but it's true! I found the love of my life, we've been together for 4 years and plan on having babies and growing old together. My advice is to try and not think of the girl too much, and think of you. Make yourself happy. You wear your heart on your sleeve, not everyone does that! It takes a person with great courage to do that. I bet that you can find 5 things that make you happy, for instance you live in the UK, I've always wanted to go there. All the lush green fields and the Real life Royalty, The quaint shops and the music. Maybe get yourself a kitten. I've always found that animals help me out, for they love you unconditionally no matter what. Set yourself goals short term and long term. I really hope you become happy, you deserve it. Oh and that boy I really loved in high school...Well I don't talk to him anymore, he became a memory for me.


Beth



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